Maybe She Isn't Evil

[RDS]

RDS,

Happy Anniversary??? You sound good in your post and I hope that's the case. Best of luck getting through tomorrow.

All the best.

Thanks Trying. I'm pretty sure tomorrow I should be okay. I will see.

[RDS]

Today is my 1-year BD anniversary.

I go out to my truck and see my W had dropped by early this morning and left me a bowl of chicken salad (it's awesome BTW). I text thanks and she calls me immediately. We talk for 30 minutes. It was a good conversation, as it always is. I am not sure she even realizes the date, but she is the person who remembers every birthday, anniversary, and every other date so It's unlikely the date hasn't escaped her.

Oh, and she didn't put her dog down. I was given bad information.

[RDS]

I don't know why I did it, but after nearly a year, I have been wearing my wedding ring the last two days. I was scheduled for travel this week and as I was packing I rummaged through a nightstand drawer and discovered my wedding ring.

I don't know why, but I put it on. In a matter of minutes it didn't feel strange. It felt like it was supposed to be there. I didn't take it off and I've been wearing it while I've been on the road. It feels good. I know it's stupid. Now I'm afraid if I take it off while I'm traveling I will lose it.

Why would I do this after a year of not thinking about it?

[RDS]

My M is 99.9 percent over, and the only reason it's not official is because of a small snafu in the alimony wording, but my L is working on that now and if they can get it in court next week I will be officially divorced.

I went to court today to finalize the permanent spousal agreement and I honestly thought it would be a walk in the park as my W and I had skipped mediation and worked everything out among ourselves (with our L's approval). There was never any talk about divorce among us. In fact, we never talked about our R at all.

Little did I know the divorce proceedings were well under way and as part of the proceedings the judge would have signed the divorcee decree and I would have been divorced. A year in the making, but also it would be over just like that.

I still had lingering hopes we could still get our M back. I am a much better person than I was a year ago (my L and my W's L both say I'm a great-standup guy), but my W just can't trust me anymore and all she seems to worry about is the money she can get from me.

My weekend plans were to pack my stuff as I'm moving into another state next week because of my job. It was something I was dreading and now it's doubled the misery I'm going through.

Crap.

[JujuB]

You never know rds...Your situation did not have infidelity. Your stbx still cooks for you. Maybe after all the stress and conflict that comes with a divorce isbover and the dust settles she will be able to truly reflect a little more?

[RDS]

It may happen, but I doubt it. We have been physically separated for over a year now. We still talk but not nearly as frequently and since January I've only seen her a few times.

I think she was being nice to me because she didn't want me to get angry with her and fight her on alimony.

I'm free to date now, but I've yet to meet any woman (not that I've met many) who remotely interests me.

[RDS]

Journal time.

I finally moved to a different state 600 miles from home for my new job a week ago. The apartment I’m living at is 100 times better than the last apartment I lived, but nowhere near as great as our dreamhouse my W and I lived in for 15+ years. The morning I moved I stopped by my W’s office to help her with some computer issues she had. When I was leaving she gave me the longest and deepest hug I’ve had in years. I tried to pull away a time or two but she kept pulling me closer. After we broke our embrace we kissed for the first time since the BD date. It wasn’t a passionate kiss, but there was feeling in it. I looked into her eyes and I told her I loved her. It was nearly two years since I told her that. I not only told her I loved her deeply, but I also told her I was unfortunately still IN LOVE with her. Tears welled in eyes and I knew she was seconds from bursting into a full-blown meltdown. I kissed her a couple of more times before I left.

Oh, as usual, she had packed me a “goody” bag for my trip. Luckily, some things never change.

We’ve talked once since I’ve been here, and a couple of texts, and that’s it.

I was more melancholy than sad. I still want to be married to her in the worst way, but that will have to be way down the road because she isn’t stopping the divorce. If I’m to be married to her again it will be a remarriage. I hold out a little hope but with so many miles between us I am a realist to the slim possibilities.

I don’t think I would change a thing on how I did things after she left me. My W and I get along well. I make her laugh again and she knows I’m incredibly ashamed of how I acted the last few years of our M. I long ago stopped blaming her for the destruction of our M; even though her spending habits and refusal to work caused me to stay angry at her for years.

After my W left me I went to an IC and I hired a marriage coach. I cannot stress enough how the marriage coach helped me through this. Even though my M won’t be saved my sanity dealing with my W remained intact because of the guidance the coach provided. Without the coach and this board I am sure I would have acted inappropriately many times over the year. I might have acted so childish and tried to be “right” our feelings might have turned to hate. I don’t know.

I didn’t post much, but I did voraciously read nearly every thread; especially in the early days. It helped. A lot.

For some stupid reason I joined Match and paid for a 3 months. I browsed through the amble postings but I’m just not into it yet. There are many amazing (judging by their posts) women out there, but I’m not ready to pull the trigger. During my dark days of my M I always thought going on dates again with other women would be fun. Now the thought of dating almost terrifies me.

[Coconut]

RDS, you and I started posting around the same time, I remember first reading your introduction and sitting in disbelief, W says she's not going to Daughters graduation so she can care for sickly dog, then when you come home she's gone and won't tell you where to... Hopefully I am recalling the correct sitch, I did not go back and look.

I really didn't know what to make of it at the time, I thought maybe there was some sort of abuse that you weren't opening up about, but I felt for you, dealing with 100% loss in an instant whereas most of us with WS lose a little bit everyday over many months.

Other than her wanting (expecting) a size able amount of alimony for the rest of her life (just cause she never had to work I don't feel like that makes her entitled to never work after D) I admire your ExW. Most of us lose our spouses and have to deal with that pain while our WS are having "fun" in their new R, but your ExW was brave enough to leave without that crutch, she accepted the pain of losing her M without looking for someone to cover it up.

Your update makes me jealous, you and your ex are both healing, both remember the M you had, both good and bad, without someone else in those memories. There is healing that still needs to occur, there is still self improvement on both sides, but when I read what you wrote, I see two people that are likely to be together in old age. Keep DBing, keep moving forward and being the best you can be, enjoying the hell out of life. Then one day when you don't feel emotional about your wife, like you do towards an old friend you haven't seen, call her to get together... Maybe at a family function, maybe your in town and want to catch up over lunch, just get together and talk face to face.

[RDS]

RDS, you and I started posting around the same time, I remember first reading your introduction and sitting in disbelief, W says she's not going to Daughters graduation so she can care for sickly dog, then when you come home she's gone and won't tell you where to... Hopefully I am recalling the correct sitch, I did not go back and look.

Wow, C-Nut, you have an amazing memory. You are 100 percent correct on your recollection.

I really didn't know what to make of it at the time, I thought maybe there was some sort of abuse that you weren't opening up about, but I felt for you, dealing with 100% loss in an instant whereas most of us with WS lose a little bit everyday over many months.

You're right about losing everything in an instant. It felt like a sudden death. One of my neighbors lost his W suddenly to a heart attack and I stupidly thought I had it worse because my W chose to leave me, where my neighbor's W didn't have a choice. It sounds incredibly stupid to think about it now, but as you know when your in the deep fog like that your mind thinks stupid things.

In her eyes I did abuse her emotionally. I was constantly angry at her because she put us so far in debt and gave up trying to help to get us above water. In some ways I felt as if she cheated on me, but that was me trying to justify me staying angry at her.

Other than her wanting (expecting) a size able amount of alimony for the rest of her life (just cause she never had to work I don't feel like that makes her entitled to never work after D) I admire your ExW. Most of us lose our spouses and have to deal with that pain while our WS are having "fun" in their new R, but your ExW was brave enough to leave without that crutch, she accepted the pain of losing her M without looking for someone to cover it up.

I haven't really thought of it that way, but I agree.

Your update makes me jealous, you and your ex are both healing, both remember the M you had, both good and bad, without someone else in those memories. There is healing that still needs to occur, there is still self improvement on both sides, but when I read what you wrote, I see two people that are likely to be together in old age. Keep DBing, keep moving forward and being the best you can be, enjoying the hell out of life. Then one day when you don't feel emotional about your wife, like you do towards an old friend you haven't seen, call her to get together... Maybe at a family function, maybe your in town and want to catch up over lunch, just get together and talk face to face.

Thanks for the kind words Cnut. It really does me a lot. I mean it.

[RDS]

This time next week I will be divorced. Two months shy of 33 years of M and it will be over in a matter of minutes. I still can't believe I'm saying that. I've known for the past 14 months this was inevitable no matter how well we got along and all that other stuff, but the naïve part of my brain thought it would not come to this and there would be some miracle to stop everything. I won't be in court as I signed the required paperwork for my L to present to the court on my behalf.

I get panic attacks when I think about the divorce, the financial burden it entails, the future of single life, and everything else this situation brings me.

Moving 600 miles for a new job away from friends and family just before a divorce isn't helping either. I've only been here a month and it feels like an eternity.

This [censored].