Moving on to the next phase

[ciluzen]

You sound very good, Pax!

You may not want it to be an "I'm awesome" post, but it is and you are. Nothing wrong with that! I think if people watch you taking a negative situation and turning it into a positive force to propel you forward beyond it, they can't help but be inspired. You become a role model. Your posts inspire me, for sure.

Keep it up!Those endorphins will do you good!

[HaWho]

Go Pax go; full steam ahead.

[Pax_luv]

Hiya Friends,

Hope everyone's week is starting off fantastic.

I'm good... The physical fitness challenge is going well and its the best distraction! All I do is workout, work, cook, eat, workout more, eat more, grocery shop, and do dishes and laundry. I literally don't sit down to decompress until 9pm. It's great though... I love being focused and committed. Plus, I am part of the best team which makes it much more fun.

Something irked me this weekend. Apparently ex went out of town this weekend and left my dog with a (former) mutual friend. This was one of the friends he tried "dumping" when we were going through our rough patch. It bothers me that after he and I split, they got closer. But then, I think... Hmmm maybe that's sad because he didn't have any friends of whom he actually liked that he could turn to. Whatever. (And after all the nonsense I heard about these friends, I'm the one that he left, and they maintained their r's). Again, whatever.


I'm very bothered that the first time I see my dog in months is on someone else's facebook page. Time for me to put in the court order to make him share. Up until now, I've been keeping things as is in an effort to avoid his nastiness. But the time is now to buck up. I'm having my moment from the Legally Blonde movie, "I'm taking the dog, dumbas$!!!!"

Anyway, he's still as nasty as ever and keeps accusing me of trying to drag this out. He's the one that is so hurt and is just trying to move on with his life so he can forget this painful mess. and I'm the one who is bitter and vindictive trying to drag this out to punish him.

Thank god for lawyers and for no contact with ex. Sayonara.... I think I've honestly shut the door and welded it shut. Good bye, sir.

Ps- today is the 8year anniversary of our engagement. (Rolls eyes).

[Pax_luv]

Hi all! I need a favor... I need some good reading material to keep my head on straight. I swear, ex is going to be the death of me.

He's kind of lost it in terms of his sanity. Per usual MLC antics, I was supposed to walk away from our 11 year relationship with just the clothes on my back because every last possession, property, nickel, and yes, the dog.....is his property.

Well, it clearly doesn't work like that. He's gone off the deep end in terms of manipulation, dishonesty, and turning me into a monster. Saying that I've been dishonest and misled him about my income!?!?! It's insane. I know it's projection on his part.. But what the heck?! Emotional terrorism at its finest.

So my ask- are there any threads out there that are similar that I may be able to read up on? I've gone through all the current threads here. I'm not trying to reconcile, I just need hope and inspiration about a lbs (wife) who was able to survive a truly heinous divorce from an MLC monster. Though... All our stories are kind of like this, right? If anyone has any crazy stories along these lines, I would like to hear them. In fact, I need to hear them.

That's a very needy ask of me. I just need something to keep me grounded. I'm about to lose it. Yes, I'm leaving this all up the lawyer... But it's not faring well for my emotional wellbeing. I've been great and I refuse to let this jerky bring me down because I worked so freaking hard to stand up and smile again.

[Sotto]

I found Codependent no More really helpful in this general area.

It does deal with difficult behaviour from others (which is up to them of course) and looks at how your own feeling and your own life needn't be impacted. It doesn't deal directly with this kind of scenario but there are many parallels to make I think.

V has also posted quite a bit about high conflict divorce. Personally, I would aim for absolute serenity and firm adhesion to fairness in all dealings WRT him. And how he behaves? Well, that's up to him....

Xx

[Pax_luv]

Thanks Sotto. You've always provided great wisdom in reinforcing the fact that his actions and behaviors are his to own. I've gotten OK with that, but he sinks my battle ship every time the financial stability gets threatened. He refuses to look at the numbers as facts and instead goes straight for the jugular.

Thanks for the book recommendation. Xoxo

[Rouky]

Hi Pax, I have no advice to offer you but I'm thinking of you and I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Take care of yourself.

[Brubeck]

Hey Pax,

Sorry you're riding the rough tide in the D process. I am 3 1/2 months into my D, and what makes me angry is the back & forth that's created solely out of the crazy demands that stem from their sense of entitlement. You're not alone. It feels like you're being dragged into a fight you'd rather walk away from. Hang in there.

I am repeating for you two things I recently saw on other threads. I'm paraphrasing... even though they filed for a D and say they desperately want to get out of the M, they still drag out the process - to continue to keep the focus off of themselves, to antagonize you so you'll lash out at them thus justifying their decision.

Expect the D process to be a rocky, bumpy ride because they become "custody of the cats crazy" over stuff. (<===CaliGuy)

Remember, their problems will continue long after we're gone. You cannot put a price of peace of mind; something we are far more capable of achieving & maintaining in all of this. Take care.

[bttrfly]

Here's what I can tell you about my experience. My xh dropped the bomb, had a plan in his head for what would happen then got pretty freaked out when things didn't go according to the plan he had in his head. I consulted a lawyer and advised him to do the same. So, he lawyered up with a VERY expensive father's rights atty who demanded a ridiculously high retainer for a non-contested divorce with a kid who was 15 --- age is key, as son was old enough for the courts to take his wishes into account. Ex's lawyer caused way more problems, so much so that exh actually terminated their relationship about 6 or 8 months before we even went to court.

It seems this lawyer also convinced my xh that I was hiding assets because my name is on the deed to both my parents home and a plot of land that they own. According to xh, I hid this from him, I lied to him and it's a marital asset I was trying to keep from him.

This was totally irrational and erroneous. My name was on the properties four years before we'd even met. In fact, xh drove me to the lawyer's office to sign documents to change my name on the properties after we'd gotten married. My parents always paid taxes on the properties and I was specifically listed as only getting control after they both pass away. The land was supposed to be ours to build on but we never opted to do that. This was all well known to xh, yet in the throes of the divorce process he truly believed I was lying and out to hide assets from him. I don't know if he still believes that.

Was this instilled by his lawyer, fueled by MLC insanity and a medical condition he had? I believe so. He also took a secret vacation to Hawaii on our 21st wedding anniversary then months later when he had to show me credit card receipts he said he expected me to pay half.

In my experience they are nuts. The closer to the actual divorce proceedings you get, the crazier they become. No one is at their best. Try with all your heart to figure out what it is that you want. Negotiate from there. It helps to pray for the highest good for all concerned to be the result. That's the best I have to offer. My xh towards the end of it all did say that I never asked for anything for myself, it was always to protect our son, and acknowledged that I worked hard at being fair.

You will get through it though it feels really awful at the time. I likened it to free falling from an airplane without a parachute.

You can do this. xoxoxoxo

[Pax_luv]

Rouky, brubeck, and bttrfly- thank you so much for your comments and feedback.

It's been so unbelievably busy and I'm grateful that I have positive things to fill my life up with instead of being scared frozen about my divorce. The beautiful thing in all this is.... I am ok. I am healthy and happy and stbx can't take that away from me. No longer does he have any influence on my life. I do have fear about the financial outcome because I'm a responsible and honest person.....and he is quite the opposite.. But that is why we have laws and that is why I have a lawyer.

Things are still very unpleasant with him but I'm not letting it affect me..... I've wisened up.

On some happy notes- Today marks the halfway point for my 60 day challenge. It has been an amazing journey and I get stronger every day. This gym is so supportive and encouraging with some tough love thrown in there.... It's the best environment to be in right now. I have muscles!!!! I'm looking forward to seeing what the next 30 days will bring. Additionally, I'm running a half marathon on Saturday. That should be fun too. It's been hard running on my new clean diet, but that's what makes it a feat to attempt.

Got promoted at work and I'm taking on a new bucket of work. It's very exciting! And one of my community leadership groups is actively working on a new project that will impact the county. Yesterday, we had a team meeting and it was in a councilperson's office.... I felt so honored to be amongst all the official house of representatives memorabilia. so cool.

All in all, things are great. Sometimes I sit back and think, how did I get so lucky?!!! And I know I wouldn't have gotten to this place or had these experiences if I remained married to the ex. I believe that God really does have a plan afterall.

With that, I wish you all a happy valentines day. I believe that all of us do and can come through this trauma with more compassion and with a deeper propensity for love. have a lovely day! Xoxo