Hi everyone, I just finished readying The Divorce Remedy, and found this website. I believe if my marriage can be saved, this place can become a huge help to me. There are so many posts, threads, etc. that I am a little overwhelmed about where to begin. What I've already read on here about going dark has made complete sense to me. I think I have been doing it already (mostly) but not calling it that. I want to know more basics about that, and any advice for beginners that anyone can share with me.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here, but I think you have come to the right place in search of advice. There are many vets that can offer up their support and help in any way they can. I am new here as well so I would def tell you to start reading as much from Cadet's post as possible. Then post any particular questions you may have about DB and how to apply it to your situation.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
I guess I should have opened with my own story. I am 58 and my husband is turning 50 this summer. We have been married 13 years (2nd marriages for both of us-no children together, but 4 between us-all out on their own). Our first 10 years were like a fairy tale romance novel. I foolishly let myself believe that our marriage was bulletproof. After both of us having very controlling partners in our first marriages, we felt we had found the perfect partners in each other. Now I realize we both drug some unresolved baggage into this marriage from our first ones. We live in the south and owned our own business. Three years ago, the business got very slow and H got a fabulous job offer in NYC. We were thrilled and so excited to take it, and since all the kids were grown, saw this as a wonderful opportunity. We made the huge change, moved up north, got an apartment on the banks of the Hudson (on the NJ side) with fabulous views of NYC, and began the true fairy tale life. The first two years there were just that. Although H went from owning our own business and living paycheck to paycheck, he rose quickly in his job and we had more money than we could believe. Our apartment was like a revolving door, more like a hotel really, with no shortage of friends and family being able to do the NYC thing with free tour guides and a free place to stay. We are both very social and loved having people visit. Looking back, I think H nor I were aware of just how big the life changes were, and their impact on us. In November 2015 my H younger sister lost her 10 year battle with cancer. He took time off during her last few weeks and almost never left her side. I don't think he allowed himself grieving time after she passed, and I think this may have contributed to where we find ourselves today. Although he has been very successful in his NYC job, he has taken on a role of leadership that he had no training for, and created a great deal of stress for himself along the way. Still, we were happy and kept living the dream life. Slowly he began to make decisions without discussing them with me, and although I complained, it just escalated. Decisions that affected my day to day life, and sometimes I would find out after plans had been made, which both hurt and angered me. Both of us tend to shy away from confrontation, so resentment and defensiveness built up on both sides. We still owned the small business down south, and I just ran it from our NJ home with a crew carrying out the physical work and me managing the business end by internet, etc. About a year ago, we realized the crew needed closer supervision, so after making several trips back south, we decided it would make sense to rent an apartment for use when we were here visiting family or checking on the business. We did that for most of 2016, with me dividing my time back and forth. Since he was busy with his work, it worked well for me, and I was able to see my grown children and my mom, who all live here in the south, much more frequently. I kind of felt I had the best of both worlds- money and freedom to go back and forth. He was very supportive and traveled back and forth a lot also, as much as his work would allow. In October 2016 we gave up the apartment and purchased a "fixer-upper" house with the intention to flip eventually (which is my passion-fixing up houses)- so I was pretty much down south from Oct 1 until the end of the year, except for holidays. I still thought we were fine. Of course I missed him, but did not sense our relationship suffering due to time apart. Abruptly, over Christmas, almost overnight, he became a different person. He was cold, distant, would not touch me, and after an agonizing week of (I admit-my constant hounding- what's wrong, what's wrong?), he admitted he'd had a drunken one night stand the week before. I was shocked, and he seemed devastated. He said he was sickened by what he had done, cried a lot, looked like someone haunted, said his head was all messed up and he needed a separation to figure it all out. I didn't want to come back to south but I really didn't think forcing it would help, so I came back. That part..... I get all that. He kept saying- we can work through this, I don't want a divorce, I just need some time..... But the struggle for me has been since I came back south on Jan 1. When he said separation, I guess I thought he meant geographical, but he meant total- like no communication, etc. I have hurt more deeply in the last 6 weeks than in my whole life combined. I feel kicked to the curb, dark lonely, confused, useless, I can't even breathe sometimes. I'm trying to use the time to work on me, and leave him to lick his wounds, whatever THAT MEANS. I'm staying busy, and going to counseling, and reading reading reading. This is the best material I have found and makes the most sense. It's just SO. HARD. TO. DO. I'm so afraid no one will ever hold me at night again, love me like he did, have fun with me, GET ME. I feel like that part of my life is over. I can't imagine another man touching me, but I'm not old enough to live without someone to love. My goal is to work on myself and resolve to be OK however this turns out, but GOD it's hard. But still.... I know I must detach myself from the outcome of this. There is a Korean word that has no literal English translation- "han"- a state of mind of soul really; a sadness, a sadness so deep no tears will come, and yet still, there is hope. XOXOXO
Last edited by Cristy; 02/15/1702:03 PM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Hi Leah, Can you give us a little background about your situation? ow long have you been together? Children? What brought you here?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Yesterday was so painful with flowers and candy everywhere you look, but so thankful to have found this online community. I only slept about 4 hours last night because I could not stop reading the posts on here. It's like I stepped into a warm, inviting room full of hurting people just like me.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Yesterday was so painful with flowers and candy everywhere you look, but so thankful to have found this online community. I only slept about 4 hours last night because I could not stop reading the posts on here. It's like I stepped into a warm, inviting room full of hurting people just like me.
You will find this to be one of the best places there is. The people are great.
I know the feeling...the first Valentine's in years that I brought nothing. I did, however, get something for myself as a gift to me.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
