I guess the most important rule of all to follow is to do whatever gets results, and not what doesn't.
The single most important thing to remember is that you are making any changes or whatever for you and you only. It seems that what you are doing it working, so keep it up. Funny how earlier she had complained you were distant, and now that is working your favor. Odd how that works.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
The single most important thing to remember is that you are making any changes or whatever for you and you only. It seems that what you are doing it working, so keep it up. Funny how earlier she had complained you were distant, and now that is working your favor. Odd how that works.
So making changes for both me and her isn't good? I'm still trying to understand this mentality. I'm also still reading DR. If I understand correctly, things that I do for her might not stick, if she comes back, because if I get her back, I will have reached my goal, and won't perhaps feel as much motivation to keep doing whatever it is. Is that right?
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
So making changes for both me and her isn't good? I'm still trying to understand this mentality. I'm also still reading DR. If I understand correctly, things that I do for her might not stick, if she comes back, because if I get her back, I will have reached my goal, and won't perhaps feel as much motivation to keep doing whatever it is. Is that right?
I think you misunderstood. You make the changes within yourself for YOU and you only. Never make them on the hopes of winning someone back.
Think about this - let's say someone in our situation works very hard and makes all the changes that they think will bring the person back - only that it doesn't. So, all they are left with is the bitterness/anger towards the ex and within because they feel all of it was for naught. And that is no reason to do it.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I think you misunderstood. You make the changes within yourself for YOU and you only. Never make them on the hopes of winning someone back.
Think about this - let's say someone in our situation works very hard and makes all the changes that they think will bring the person back - only that it doesn't. So, all they are left with is the bitterness/anger towards the ex and within because they feel all of it was for naught. And that is no reason to do it.
I can see that, but if you made the changes for both of you, then you can still be happy you did it, right? Not trying to argue with the philosophy. Just trying to understand.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Sure. As long as you are doing them for you and remember that she is secondary for them. If she recognizes and decides to come back, then that's awesome. If she doesn't, then you'll still be in a better place. You just don't want to do things and place hope on them winning her back, because if she doesn't come back...
You are on the right track and seem to have your head on straight. Good on ya!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
The idea to save yourself before you can save your M/R is similar to the instructions you hear on a plane before the flight departs. You can't help anyone else if you run out of oxygen.
Your objective should be to get to your happy place (GAL activities) and make changes within yourself to improve your relationship skills and gain new ones. This will serve you well with all of your relationships(at work/family/friends).
Then you will be better prepared for a new relationship with your W, or a new relationship altogether. You have a tremendous opportunity, so use your time wisely. If we don't address our issues, they are portable. They will hang on until we take care of them. Same goes for any WAS. That's one of the reasons piecing is so difficult.
Here's something else to ponder. When you gauge/temp check your WAS, it generates expectations and keeps you on the emotional roller coaster. We hang onto every word and action looking for a glimmer of hope. Keep your expectations at -0-. That will be a significant help.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Here's something else to ponder. When you gauge/temp check your WAS, it generates expectations and keeps you on the emotional roller coaster. We hang onto every word and action looking for a glimmer of hope. Keep your expectations at -0-. That will be a significant help.
Thanks for all the advice, LITB. Well put. I wanted to comment on this ^^^. My understanding from reading DR, is that you should be looking for small improvements to celebrate. It keeps you motivated to continue fighting for the marriage, when you see improvements, and it makes you patient, because you feel like your patience is being rewarded with the small improvements.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
If you are detached, then I think you will be able to do it without being on a roller coaster ride.
Personally, when the thoughts of my W consumed me, it slowed me down. That being said, this is all counter-intuitive. It takes practice.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
It keeps you motivated to continue fighting for the marriage, when you see improvements, and it makes you patient, because you feel like your patience is being rewarded with the small improvements
Be careful when looking for those small improvements. What I thought were small improvements in my ex were actually her getting more comfortable in what she thought was a friendship.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Be careful when looking for those small improvements. What I thought were small improvements in my ex were actually her getting more comfortable in what she thought was a friendship.
I have been afraid of that. You think my wife might just see me as a friend?
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
