She moved out, filed, but I'm still working Pt. 5

[MoveFrwd]

Kaizen...the point of the conversation was to let him know that I love his mother no matter what happens. He said that he doesn't understand what was happening and I told him that I did not either. I will not drag her thru the mud, but I will answer if my children ask me something. I have not and will not ever talk bad about her to them.

Thats fine. But if I am a 19 year old, and my dad says that he loves my mom so much, but they are getting a divorce anyway....then all I can do is assume that its my mom's fault. To me, its not really that different to say "I will always love your mother" than to say "your mother isnt in love with me." It is kinda of dragging her through the mud by pointing out that you are the "clean" one.

I think its much better if you talk about your relationship with your son and other children instead of with their mother.

But again, Im not an expert and these are just my opinions.

[SBJ]

She has already told the two older kids that her feelings have changed and that this is something she wants. She made that clear to them when she moved out.

I also always tell my kids how I feel about them...they know that I am going to always be there for them. The W has always been a great mother to them and I am glad that she hasn't run out on them like so many on here have. She is constant contact with them and the two youngest split time 50/50 between our house and her place. The oldest moved back to our local university and is now my roommate full time...pretty awesome.

[CaliGuy]

CaliGuy,

I don't want to hijack SBJ's thread, but thanks. This is exactly what I'm trying to prepare for as we approach telling the kids. How to be honest...without throwing my W under the bus. I don't want to screw this up. So what would you say?

Honestly ... .kids are smart. They know, and they will put their own personal stamp on what they feel is right/worng and what happened with mom and dad. MLCrs may/may not tell the truth on this which is when the LBS feels that urge to shout what really happened from the rooftops but this just creates more damage, confusion and turmoil right? If our MLC is in crisis and has reverted to that time in their lives then we truly are the only adults in all this .. .adulting is no fun and this is one of those times.

My approach .. my S knew, she did not make an effort to hide it. So I simply told him that sometimes people change, your mom and I have most definately changed over all the wonderful time we have had together and I truly wish her peace and happiness wherever she may find it. Thats it ... and it was the truth ... I did leave out my personal pain and frustration, I will not toss her under the bus nor label her as sick. The one thing I learned through all this is the kids know they are 50% of you and 50 them ... if that other 50% is bat$hit crazy horrible monster then in fact they are 50% of that ..... I constantly tell my son he is the product of 50% of all the good things from her and I.
Hope that helps

She has already told the two older kids that her feelings have changed and that this is something she wants. She made that clear to them when she moved out.

I also always tell my kids how I feel about them...they know that I am going to always be there for them. The W has always been a great mother to them and I am glad that she hasn't run out on them like so many on here have. She is constant contact with them and the two youngest split time 50/50 between our house and her place. The oldest moved back to our local university and is now my roommate full time...pretty awesome.

SBJ

CArefull with this line of thought..... it paints you our as someone waiting on the proch steps in the rain waiting for her to return. She will sense this if not by your actions ... then by the kids feedback "Dad is a mess without you" which will reinforce to her you are there where she left you.
GAL, let those kids see you are doing ok ... they will see the bad times and "that look" you get when a memory hits as it is ... fake it till you make it.

I read a thought provoking post last week elsewhere in reference to a man going through this and how he was handling it all ... simple and to the point.

"Are you showing your children the man you would want them to marry or would wish them to be?"

[SBJ]

Cali, thanks for the input. I am trying my best at the fake it until you make it scenario. Exercising, spending time with friends, learning to play music again, eating better, shaved the bushy beard of 4 months...look 20 years younger, trying to be a better man all around. I'm doing all of this for me...not for anyone else. When all of the kids are with me, we have a great time. When it is just me and the oldest, we do the sports and trash talk thing.

I'm not going to tell the kids that I will be pining away for 25 years waiting on their mother. But, I'd like to think that they know how I feel about her and that I'd do anything in"my" power to save my M. The oldest two already know that this is in their mothers control...because she told them it was. I have told them that with God's help we will all make it thru this thing. I didn't say that we'd get back together, but they do know about "God's will" and that ultimately we are out of control anyway.

As far as showing them the man I want them to be or to marry...I want to think that that is my goal. I realize that I wasn't. I was Mr. Nice guy and look where that has led me. I guess I want to put God first at this point and have him guide me to be the man that I am suppose to be.

[peacetoday]

SBJ

I hear a lot of growth in you
Mlc has a way of doing that to us
so in Gods plan, maybe it is good
No matter what

everyone learns grows and changes
If our kids see an adult learning from the pain as you are, they too will learn from all the pains I their lives(my opinion)

[roist]

You are doing great, no doubt about that. I like what I read in your last post. You have come on a long way. You have grown.

However I didn't like you thinking that you will be pinning and waiting after her for the next 25 years. I am glad you refrained from speaking like that to your kids. But you need to change that thinking. Maybe you will choose to stand for 25 years, though I have rarely read about such cases. You honestly don't know how you will feel next month or next year.

Pinning and waiting belittle you. Your thinking shows through in your actions behaviours and attitudes. You can try hide it from the world but that rarely succeeds for long. Better to change your thinking.

I am not saying don't stand nor wait. I am pro M and that is not my point. You need to get to a point where your life is full and rich without W. She needs to know you are living and thriving without her. Turnarounds rarely occur on this site before the LBS starts truly living for themselves without looking over their shoulder to see if WAS may be becoming interested.

But more importantly than it improving your chances of turning things around it will be better for you. Otherwise life will be an empty fake grind. Fake it until you make it but you have to move forward to actually make it.

Maybe you need to close that chapter of your life. Accept it is over. Accept where you are at and just be. No need to explain the how or the why. She has left and you are enjoying life as much as you can. Forget that you are standing and start living. The fact you are standing is irrelevant for now and only relevant if she ever comes back.

I am glad you have your faith. It must really be a comfort.

Best wishes

[SBJ]

Peace and roist...thanks for the encouragement. I feel stronger every day. I'm not saying that there aren't moments that it doesn't hit me, but I have been able to get thru those times with prayer and the knowledge that fear will no longer control me.

She and I ended up at the same get together last night. She didn't even acknowledge me. Kind of odd. I hung out and visited with old friends and made some new ones. It was enjoyable, but the reality was that had this been this same time last year I would've been standing with her hip to hip. while I miss her immensely, I also seem to like how I feel now. I would love to save my M, but it takes two and she is opting out for now. Should things change I would like to think I would want to keep some of this new independence.

Isaiah 41:10New American Bible (Revised Edition) (NABRE)

10 Do not fear: I am with you;
do not be anxious: I am your God.
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

[SBJ]

Nothing much to post, so I will simply say...Happy Valentine's Day to you all!!!

Even though I couldn't buy her any gifts from myself, I still had to take care of the things from the kids to her. We bought her flowers, candy and a card. We sneaked into her office last night after close and placed them all on her desk. I actually got a very nice call from her this morning with praise and appreciation. It was the nicest I've heard her in quite a while.

[Gordie]

Happy V Day to you too...good job today!

[SBJ]

Short lived happy talk...she is now back to the D talk. Wants me to hurry up and finish my paperwork for the divorce. I assume so that she can get out in the world. She says that she is almost out of her retainer money and that she has to hurry up. I typed the text back...I want you to come home. I did not send it, but that is how I feel.

Thoughts?

As someone said, sometimes they feel that they have to have complete closure before it hits them.

Thoughts?