H and I are high school sweethearts. Immediately after our marriage there were significant changes in him. I'm fairly positive he is bipolar, though he's never been diagnosed.
The mood swings over the years played a huge part in our marriage and probably the complete breakdown of it. He had 2 EA's and I've just recently learned of his PA by his new girlfriend's fiancee.
He started to become manic around September. My first indication of serious problems was due to sudden FB posts the day before Thanksgiving. After telling him I was humiliated and upset over his behavior, I was not only unfriended but also completely blocked. In the end, this was a great favor to me. I didn't need to keep being exposed to that.
He didn't mention D until after New Years, however he's changing history to suit his selfish needs. He's already lied to OW multiple times and tries to convince me too. He's great with manipulation, but I'm pretty clear on how it all played out so that won't work for me.
We have an in house separation and this is tough. In most cases, he avoids me like the plague, but in others still expects me to behave like a wife.
I'm close with several members of his family, so talking with them usually ends in a tear fest. My kids are from one end of the spectrum to the other. 1 is angry with his father, 1 is happy because she thinks she's getting her dad all to herself and 1 either doesn't understand or doesn't care. I'm worried about them when the time actually comes. They know about the talk of D, but nothing has been filed and we're all in the same house. Their lives haven't been really impacted yet.
I'm doing well with detaching. Most days. I've started GAL and feeling better about myself. Completely scared about my future, but ready to get on with it. However, I'm not blind to the fact that this could be because he's still here that I'm feeling ok with moving on. I can't imagine you spend 26 years with someone and on moving day not become a blubbering mess.
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
help with his tanning crap while he stands butt naked... I worry putting my foot down will look more like an act of retribution
[MLC-H] hasn't done [some new behavior] in months....
I think a lot of people who show up here are nurturers/fixers/codependents. It feels good to fix, nurture, produce results. But we have to break out of that habit.
I don't think it'll come across as retribution. If it does, it's on him, not you. Not reasonable to be naked w/ you while he's seeing someone else. That's sadistic. Just don't do it. No explanation needed. If pressed, you can say I don't want to do that any more.
Tough not to try to mind read his change in behavior. Most likely, it's to satisfy his sense of guilt/righteousness. I hope you'll not hang any hope on it.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
He had 2 EA's and I've just recently learned of his PA by his new girlfriend's fiancee.
Ouch. I remember the call I got...day after Christmas 2015. Ugh.
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He started to become manic around September.
That may be the time the affair got into full-swing.
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I'm close with several members of his family, so talking with them usually ends in a tear fest. My kids are from one end of the spectrum to the other. 1 is angry with his father, 1 is happy because she thinks she's getting her dad all to herself and 1 either doesn't understand or doesn't care. I'm worried about them when the time actually comes. They know about the talk of D, but nothing has been filed and we're all in the same house. Their lives haven't been really impacted yet.
I'd be very, very careful about talking with his family. After all, blood is thicker than water, you know. The kids will need you to be your best.
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I'm doing well with detaching. Most days. I've started GAL and feeling better about myself. Completely scared about my future, but ready to get on with it. However, I'm not blind to the fact that this could be because he's still here that I'm feeling ok with moving on. I can't imagine you spend 26 years with someone and on moving day not become a blubbering mess.
We are all scared about the future. Nothing we can do but face it, because cowering does no one any good, especially the kids. 10 years was tough for me. Sigh.
You are doing great. Keep it up!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
The thing is... as I become a stronger person, I am learning to like myself again. I'm realizing that while WH may not have appreciated them, I do have good qualities. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm starting to value myself.
I know my faults and how I contributed to the end of my marriage. Unfortunately he will never admit his role in it or the effects his actions took on me over the years. The things he is STILL doing. I'm starting to dig myself out of this hole and I really think when I'm free... I'm going to realize I had been fighting for the wrong thing all these years. I should have been fighting for me. A happy healthy me.
I did actually tell him I was no longer going to do X, Y and Z. His response was, as long as I'm giving you money, you will. At which point I told him those were things a wife or girlfriend would do and I am no longer either. It may not have been the most appropriate thing to say, but it drove my point home. I will say he stumbled on that. I'm not sure he's really thought about it that way or maybe he just had no response.
I still ride the roller coaster, but it's different. My bad days are more because of the loss of dreams and plans and family. Yesterday was a tough day. People outside of our family are now becoming aware. It was such a difficult pill to swallow when a parent of my D's teammate starts questioning me about H and I have to look them in the eye and say I don't know because..... It took everything in me to keep it together.
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
I did actually tell him I was no longer going to do X, Y and Z. His response was, as long as I'm giving you money, you will. At which point I told him those were things a wife or girlfriend would do and I am no longer either. It may not have been the most appropriate thing to say, but it drove my point home. I will say he stumbled on that. I'm not sure he's really thought about it that way or maybe he just had no response.
Good for you! Totally appropriate in my book!
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It was such a difficult pill to swallow when a parent of my D's teammate starts questioning me about H and I have to look them in the eye and say I don't know because..... It took everything in me to keep it together.
Ugh. I know the feeling. Sucktastic, for sure. I have a feeling you will be just fine.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Appreciate you being in my corner, Gump. And yes, quite often I have felt I don't even rate high enough to be hired help.
My S told me he believes his father is leaving us for another family and will have nothing to do with them. I was completely devastated by that, because I know what he's saying is entirely possible and probably likely. I try very hard to be up front and honest with my kids, but I did every thing I could to dissuade him from that. I made sure he understood that he is also my child and I was never going anywhere. But at the end of the day - I'm not his dad.
I spent quite a bit of time debating whether or not to share that with H. I never know what his reaction will be - will he sit down and talk with S or will he blow up? With his mood swings it could be either. I decided to keep it to myself because I don't want to subject S to that. Still don't know the right answer.
Spent quite a long time talking to OW's fiancée this morning. Eye opening on so many levels. OW apparently saw me in a store and ran the other way. I'm honestly not sure what I would have said or done if I had seen her. I no longer care about her. What does that say about me?
And it's not bad enough that H is having an affair, he needs to trash me to this woman who obviously feels the need to share that with others. To top it off most of it is lies. Why is there a need for this? I'm fighting this overwhelming desire to call and rip him apart. I'm not a passive person, but I also know the situation requires different handling. I'm having a hard time juggling between respectfully handling everything and being a doormat.
And as I sit here writing this, I wonder if this is still the right forum for me to be in. Everyone here is actively trying to save their marriage and I think mine is past that point. I still hurt, but I think my path is different now.
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
I spent quite a bit of time debating whether or not to share that with H. I never know what his reaction will be - will he sit down and talk with S or will he blow up? With his mood swings it could be either. I decided to keep it to myself because I don't want to subject S to that. Still don't know the right answer.
I wouldn't. It could backfire and him come back saying something crazy like you put the idea in his head or something. Just let sleeping dogs lie.
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And as I sit here writing this, I wonder if this is still the right forum for me to be in. Everyone here is actively trying to save their marriage and I think mine is past that point. I still hurt, but I think my path is different now.
I'd say its much less than you think. I'd be willing to bet that most of the posters here know its futile to even try. This place is great at helping others cope and move on - and that's the endpoint of it all.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I hope you don't sink to his level. Take the high road, whatever that means in your particular situation.
It'll be better for your soul and your heart.
I'm sorry to hear about your son's thoughts. This whole thing is painful enough for us, but it's a whole 'nother level when you think about what it means to the kids. I've heard that as long as one parent remains a solid rock, kids will be OK in the long run. I hope that's true.
Look on the bright side ... no more slathering fake tan on his a$$....
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
