She moved out, filed, but I'm still working Pt. 5

[SBJ]

Got to talk with my S19 over dinner Tuesday night about the sitch. He says that he doesn't understand why this is happening. I told him that he is right that it doesn't make sense, but that I love his mother and am praying for her every day.

He is wise beyond his years and knows that there are no true grounds for D between us. I told him that I loved her for 25 years and would be open to reconciling with her, but that that would have to be up to her. I said that I could not force her into to doing it. She will have to come to the conclusion herself.

It was a great talk...I love my kids so much. They are truly awesome.

4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4New American Standard Bible (NASB)

[Gordie]

Great update. This will be hard on all of the kids. I am expecting for my elementary school kids, this will be primarily emotional and don't expect them to ask the adult questions. For my teenagers, I expect them to ask all of the adult questions. Is that correct? And how much are you supposed to share with them? I don't want to bad mouth their mother at all, but I also don't want to lie about things. What amount of covering up or beating around the bush is appropriate when asked direct questions?

[SBJ]

Great update. This will be hard on all of the kids. I am expecting for my elementary school kids, this will be primarily emotional and don't expect them to ask the adult questions. For my teenagers, I expect them to ask all of the adult questions. Is that correct? And how much are you supposed to share with them? I don't want to bad mouth their mother at all, but I also don't want to lie about things. What amount of covering up or beating around the bush is appropriate when asked direct questions?

I don't have any answers on those questions either. I have been waiting on them to ask before I say anything. I am trying to keep my head up and stay in an upbeat attitude when I am with them all. My oldest and I were alone so we were able to talk like adults...it was nice, but I did not say anything regarding her EA or that the only reason she can come up with for leaving is that she needs more passion in her life...I don't know where it says that that is ok in the Bible. Haha. My son and I had a good discussion about what God says about divorce...it was eye opening.

My D14 and my S10 have not asked me about any of what is going on. The only thing that I have said to my D14 is that I love her mother, I love all of our kids, and that we will get thru this with the help of God. My S10 is too young to really understand what is going on, but I feel that he gets exasperated sometimes when we have to load up and take him to the other house.

In the book of Matthew (Matthew 10:26b it says...Nothing is concealed that will not be revealed, nor secret that will not be known). I feel that at some point the secrets will all be out in the open.

[MoveFrwd]

I told him that he is right that it doesn't make sense, but that I love his mother and am praying for her every day.

He is wise beyond his years and knows that there are no true grounds for D between us. I told him that I loved her for 25 years and would be open to reconciling with her, but that that would have to be up to her. I said that I could not force her into to doing it. She will have to come to the conclusion herself.

Im sorry, and I may be out of line here, but to me, this doesnt seem like an appropriate conversation to have with your son. To me, this puts a ton of your influence on his relationship with his mom. I dont know what was said by whom, but in my opinion, saying that you'd be open to reconciling, but it's up to her is placing a lot of blame on her. I dont see how you can tell your child that and have it NOT impact the way the view the other parent.

Again, just my opinion.

[MoveFrwd]

I don't want to bad mouth their mother at all, but I also don't want to lie about things. What amount of covering up or beating around the bush is appropriate when asked direct questions?

Its their mother's story to tell.

If they are so curious, direct them to talk to her.

[Gordie]

Kaizen, so you are suggesting along the lines of:

D: Did you cheat on mom?

Gordie: No

D: Did mom cheat on you?

Gordie: I'll answer questions about me, but think you should talk to your mom regarding questions about her.

[MoveFrwd]

Kaizen, so you are suggesting along the lines of:

D: Did you cheat on mom?

Gordie: No

D: Did mom cheat on you?

Gordie: I'll answer questions about me, but think you should talk to your mom regarding questions about her.

Works for me. And I wouldnt say that it's 'bad-mouthing' or lying.
Like I said, in my opinion, thats her story to tell.

[SBJ]

Kaizen...the point of the conversation was to let him know that I love his mother no matter what happens. He said that he doesn't understand what was happening and I told him that I did not either. I will not drag her thru the mud, but I will answer if my children ask me something. I have not and will not ever talk bad about her to them.

I don't have to say anything to them...here is what they have seen...a close family friend (male) that is always around and is always talking/texting mom on the phone alot for 3+ months and then all of the sudden he's disappeared and mom is moving out and filing for D. It doesn't take much to piece together. Again, I haven't said anything negative to any of the kids. One of these days it will all come out, but I will never say anything bad about someone that I truly love. I don't like her or what she is doing right now, but I do love her.

[CaliGuy]

Kaizen, so you are suggesting along the lines of:

D: Did you cheat on mom?

Gordie: No

D: Did mom cheat on you?

Gordie: I'll answer questions about me, but think you should talk to your mom regarding questions about her.

This is basically answering the question without answering the question... in a sense throwing your W under the bus. I totally get it, you have been wronged and those of us who have been wronged ... in the worse way mind you... want validation, we want that shining armor and everyone to say .. hey look he is a stand up guy what she did was wrong. Just does not work that way now does it, so even on the subconscious level we imprint things in ourselves and those close to make sure its all out on the table .... here is the problem with that:

Certain things can not be unsaid, unseen nor undone. When it comes to the kids we as the LBS become even more angry, its not just our lives that were torn to shreds, little Billy/Sally will never know what a normal life and family will be due to our MLCrs selfishness .... not many of us voice this here but I do not think I am alone in at the least thinking it .... but you know what happens ... we continue to fill our personal resentment bucket and it will eventually spill over and now its us .. the ones who are not in crisis (well not the MLC version of one anyways) .. we are to be the rock, we are the stable one, the voice of reason and if we allow this resentment to spill over and effect our children we are missing a chance to stop this cycle. I am of the opinion this MLC crisis is passed down from generatiion to generation, dig deep I bet you will discover some turmoil/trauma from the MIL/FIL.

I know for me I will do all I can to shield my son from repeating this horrible history. If that means taking it on the chin and missing out the chance to be a martyr then so be it. I arrived to this conclusion on a nice sunny day as my then 8 year old asked me "Dad, what is a ho?" I answered refering to the garden tool and he corrected me and said "no .. the other kind of ho... Noah told me a Ho is a woman who has more than one man" Stopped me in my tracks, we are still talking about the mother of my child and the fact he would see her in that light disturbed me to no end. So I explained what the term meant and pounded the fact that his mother was not to be considered this.

With the kids sometimes you need to stand your ground as a parent and simply tell them certain things are not as they seem, they are much more complicated than one would think. Think about all of us here in MLC land ... to the majority out there whom have no understanding they would never come close to understanding what most of us have been exposed to nor how to deal with it. Do we educate them? No ... unless you have seen MLC happen to a loved one you are just not going to understand it.

Protect your children, at some point regardless of the M... regardless if you reconcile or not do not take their mother/father from them by causing unrepairable damage more than the MLCr is causing themselves ... the relationship they have with the kids is solely on them .. good/bad its their circus/monkeys ... mess to clean up when they get there.
For me my S just this week informed me that his mom and him are really forming a much better relationship, similar to what he an dI have had .... regardless of the sitch this made me smile knowing I have not allowed this crisis to destroy what should be a good relationship between my MLCr and my son provided she ever wants that (again between the two of them)

I know it hurts, you are the grown up here, you are the rock, the one who can think logically ... not the MLCr ... be that person and take one for the team ... you will be grateful later on regardless of the end result with your M

[Gordie]

CaliGuy,

I don't want to hijack SBJ's thread, but thanks. This is exactly what I'm trying to prepare for as we approach telling the kids. How to be honest...without throwing my W under the bus. I don't want to screw this up. So what would you say?