Don, may bell completely nailed it! Listen to this advice!
It made me realize I do not even look for a ""person" anymore. I look for the the relationship. Now, I believe that is hurting me in a way too. I do look to far to the future to make sure we are compatible . I'm so scared to have things end as they have in my M.
But I do think you need to stop finding the perfect woman. Look for a suitable partner. Really visit what you want in a relationship. Think about what you have to offer someone else.
Would you please go into your signature line and fix the "url" address or take it out completely? Posters can't click on the "url" address as it is reflected in your signature line.
Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As much as I'm trying to, I fear I'm not understanding much of what you are trying to tell me MayBell. I like to think, and many agree, I'm a pretty intelligent guy but when comes to R I can be dumb as a box of rocks. I'm going to try to answer and clarify and hopefully you can give it one more shot. I'm fine with blunt - I often don't get subtle. I'm just not getting a lot of this.
So are you trying to say, I'm not getting anywhere because I don't check THEIR boxes? Is that your point? And if so, do I check anyone's boxes? That's what I mean about this being my fault. Is that why I've had interactions, dates or asked out a dozen women and gotten pretty much nowhere with any of them - because I don't check their boxes? And if so, who's box will I ever check? I used to have this happen online as well. A women would state 10 things she is looking for. I'd honestly firmly fit 8 of them. I'd write and only get back a "I don't think we are a match." I'd be like, huh? You asked for business professional, who plays a sax, has a sarcastic sense of humor, flies a plane, owns his own home and is financially set. (just an over-the-top example) yet we are not a match? I DO NOT GET IT.
Back to reality... You also stated "There is something about the way you write about the women you're interested in that makes it sound like a constant audition for your attention, rather than a search for a partner." Can you explain this? Are you saying it seems like I'm auditioning women who catch my attention? Or who are attentive to me? I'm totally lost on this one.
"I also rarely hear about you showing interest in local women, so I wonder about that."
I have as well, although I do travel a lot, which is where I have met many of them. Others I've met through friends. Some used to live here and moved away. However, that said, the last two I asked out, including the women just last week, were very local. The woman from church is local and her parents, who she is close with, have retired 3 miles from my house. The one from last week is about 20 minutes away. So they are not all long distance but for whatever flipping reason, many have been. This is NOT a conscious thing on my part. Could it be subconscious? Most certainly. I'm just not overlooking local on purpose.
I'm just at a loss as to how or what to change in what I'm doing. I thought I was being too picky and eliminating too many right out of the gate - ie, lives too far away so don't bother. Instead, I've thought, give it a chance and see. Same with other attributes.
I'm more confused than ever. I know what I want. I just can't find it so I've thought about giving up some of what I want to not be so narrow about it. I've long thought it's something I'm doing or about me. Many here have said that's not the case. I just can't agree anymore. There has to be a reason all around me people move on, their wife dies and they have a new GF two or three years later. Yet I'm D 10 years and so single that if I showed up someplace with a GF I think people would fall over in shock - it's been THAT LONG!
Perhaps I need a dating coach or a life coach. Or just need to accept this is my life and it's not going to change. It's been this way for 10 years now and is going to continue.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Perhaps I need a dating coach or a life coach. Or just need to accept this is my life and it's not going to change. It's been this way for 10 years now and is going to continue.
I would as long as there is an appropriate companion...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Don: I put my list on my thread because that's where it belongs. Looking at it, I'm seeing, it took me quite a while to know if My Guy brought those things into my life. Partly it was absolute terror of getting hurt on my part. Partly it took a while for the relationship to grow enough to where I could see that he fit the things I was looking for (and I'm sure same on his side but I'm telling my story here). A couple of the things that were qualities that "he" had to have (height, political beliefs), My Guy doesn't have, but as it turns out the ones he does have are so very deeply precious to me that it is worth living without them.
It took several months to figure out *in that relationship* what was really important to me. Then several months more to trust in it. I had to change the way I looked at dating and just be willing to throw spaghetti at the wall and watch to see *who* people were. I only wanted the quality people who wanted me back. That eliminates a LOT of spaghetti pretty promptly.
When I say you are looking for the wrong things, it's exactly that "grocery list" mentality that you showed when you said how you've got 8 of the 10 qualities a woman says she wants on a dating site. What people want isn't usually what they think they want. If you want, say, a blond, athletic sax player, I'm pretty sure you'll find a blond athletic sax player, especially if you're willing to date someone who lives 500 miles away. But if you say, I want someone who will listen to me talk about famous sax players at 2 in the morning when I can't sleep, well, you're going to have to watch for an entirely different set of qualities, and you're probably not going to know if you've found it until you've invested some time. This isn't a lion/antelope situation. And you might end up with a brunette librarian who knows nothing about the sax, but she knows and likes everything about you, which is really what you want, right?
Finally, so what all those other people end up with new relationships fairly promptly? Maybe the widows were so good at relationships that they knew what they wanted fairly quickly, and so had an easier time seeing it. Maybe they're settling for something that doesn't really work at its core, but they are afraid to be alone. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I don't know. But what I hear from you is a guy who looks for surface qualities and hasn't really been willing to see WHO a woman is before deciding if she's "Perfect" or not. That's probably how you're showing up for these women and they can see it. If they're quality women, they don't want to be judged that way and they're dodging you.
I havent' gone through a years-long dry spell, but I did live in a highly isolating marriage for many years. It gave me a lot of time to understand what kind of relationship I really wanted for myself, and for my kids to witness. I know what loneliness feels like and how desperate a person can be to get out of it. I have sympathy for you. But you may have more luck if you see yourself as that woman's potential partner, and identify what you bring to HER table, instead of the other way around.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think it's difficult to put too much emphasis on "compatibility scores". People answer what they think will sound good...just like what they write on their profiles. Every woman loves life, sees the cup as half full, likes wine,looks good in jeans or a little black dress, likes to laugh and her passion is travel...oh, and she works out day and night lol. One thing I've noticed is that what they emphasize as important is often what you won't get from them e.g. honesty, no games!It's only through contact where you really get an idea of whether you're on the same page or not. I often find women are not really committed to the idea of meeting someone. They're sticking their toe in the water and that's about it. I get it, it's scary! Anyway, what I've learned to do is not contact people who a) write "ask me" as their profile b) carry on about what they don't want c) put 20 photos of themselves online d) "let's be friends first" (is this Facebook?) e) "I'm new to this and not too sure about it" . I've learned to go with my gut with women too. Sometimes I think I've ditched them too early and go back but find out very quickly I should have stuck with my original gut decision. Anyway, I don't know if that helps but...
I get it, it's scary! Anyway, what I've learned to do is not contact people who a) write "ask me" as their profile b) carry on about what they don't want c) put 20 photos of themselves online d) "let's be friends first" (is this Facebook?) e) "I'm new to this and not too sure about it" . I've learned to go with my gut with women too. Sometimes I think I've ditched them too early and go back but find out very quickly I should have stuck with my original gut decision. Anyway, I don't know if that helps but...
You know, just for kicks I've been looking at some of the sites for locals and this seems to be a common theme. Dang. Saw quite a few that I know on there.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
