Never good enough

[ForGump]

I'm so sorry you got this news. I can imagine how painful it is to hear.

Listening to the fiancee telling me how perfect she is, basically all the things WH wants, just simply drives home my own imperfections.

She's not all that perfect if she's engaged to someone and is sleeping with someone else's husband with kids at home.

You've got loyalty and heart. You can't just put that on by getting a membership at the gym.

p.s. Re: child support -- there is absolutely no shame in getting child support and using it to support your household. I hope you'll talk to an accountant or a financial planner to figure out some options.

[Dawgs]

You've got loyalty and heart. You can't just put that on by getting a membership at the gym.

What?

[Dawgs]

Hi Chewie!

Sorry that you are dealing with that. It seems like yesterday when the OM's wife called me to break the news to me...the day after Christmas, 2016. Same boat. Two families destroyed. And I believed her lies.

I've spoken to the fiancee a couple of times. I've actually encouraged DB advice without mentioning where it came from. I feel bad for him because this is fresher for him than for me and his children are very young. I find myself going down that slippery slope again. Listening to the fiancee telling me how perfect she is, basically all the things WH wants, just simply drives home my own imperfections.

Can be therapeutic to talk with him. Just be careful. The slope of fault will always be slippery. Always.

My rose colored glasses are off. I see my R for what it was and know that in the end, he's probably doing me a favor. It's just learning how to pick up all the broken pieces thats so hard.

Removing the glasses is the hardest thing of all...and the most painful. You'll get those pieces picked up - they'll go back in a different order, but back nonetheless.

[ForGump]

What?

Was trying to say that the OW might look pretty on the outside but if she's having an affair, she's not so pretty on the inside. In contrast, 010207's got loyalty and heart. The OW can't get those qualities by working out more at the gym.

[Dawgs]

Was trying to say that the OW might look pretty on the outside but if she's having an affair, she's not so pretty on the inside. In contrast, 010207's got loyalty and heart. The OW can't get those qualities by working out more at the gym.

Gotcha. You'll have to excuse the brain fart. Haha

[010207]

I read here more often than I post. Following along other people's journey and finding myself going through the same wave of emotions.

I spoke with a friend tonight who is going through a separationqqq too only she's the WAW. After talking with her and reading some things here, I'm getting to a place of understanding H. Sort of.

You spend years with someone feeling they aren't listening or maybe just not speaking your love language. You start building that wall and maybe losing respect. It no longer matters what they say, you don't respect their opinion. And of course, your spouse is supposed to say those things so maybe it means less. In steps OW, in my case, who says or does the same thing, but it matters more. It gives H that good on top of the world feeling. Validating his self worth. While it in no way justifies the action, on some level I get it.

I know he's still planning to move forward because he mentioned it again last night, but he's doing things he hasn't done in months. Lots of little inconsequential things that mean absolutely nothing and yet it's different. I try not to read into because in the end I'm not sure it matters anymore. But I still wonder why?

OW's fiancée asked to get together for coffee. I'm not sure this is in anyone's best interest so I've put him off. Most days I'm in an OK place. I try not to dwell on it and I feel like meeting with him will pull me down again.

Gump, thanks for the kind words. Unfortunately those things only matter to some and apparently not the man I married.

[010207]

I meant to ask, when do you start drawing a line in the sand? And how do you accomplish it without seeming vindictive.

H still acts entitled to things a wife would do - cooking his dinner, going clothes shopping for him, laundry among other things. I'm not trying to create additional tension, but I no longer feel this is my responsibility either.

[ForGump]

An affair is a drug hit. Your H might feel high now, but he'll eventually feel empty.

What inconsequential little things is he doing?

People in the forum encourage you to think about your boundaries, and set them firmly. It has a little different connotation than drawing a line in the sand. It's not about giving an ultimatum or doing something to affect or control your spouse's behavior. It's about defining what your principles are, and setting boundaries to protect your own dignity, feelings, and well-being.

For example, if you want to stop cooking and cleaning for him because you hope you'll send a message or alter his behavior, that's not what setting a boundary is. But if you believe cooking and cleaning for him at this point, given what he's done, somehow crosses a line for you, it violates your dignity, respect and well-being, then you stop doing it.

Also, boundaries are enforced not through commands, ultimatums or threats. You just do what you have to do to keep your boundaries.

That's my understanding. Probably best to think long and hard about it before you act upon it.

[Dawgs]

H still acts entitled to things a wife would do - cooking his dinner, going clothes shopping for him, laundry among other things. I'm not trying to create additional tension, but I no longer feel this is my responsibility either.

I made the mistake of keeping doing things for her even when I felt it wasn't my responsibility. So I stopped. Did she notice? Yeah, but it didn't make any difference.

[010207]

That's the thing, Gump. I'm not doing anything in the hopes of changing him. I think I'm passed that.

I'm a nurturer by nature. I bend over backwards for people, especially H. I'm having a hard time breaking that habit. I have no issues with cooking and cleaning, it's what needs to be done. But asking me to help cut his hair, help with his tanning crap while he stands butt naked in front of me or buying him new clothes so he can look nice for his girlfriend is really beyond what I think I can handle anymore. I feel like telling him, you have someone else..... go to her. However, I don't feel like instigating and I worry putting my foot down will look more like an act of retribution since it's not my character.

As for the things he's doing...
Even prior to BD, he rarely ate my dinners even if it was something he asked for. Always too many carbs or fat or not enough protein. He'd make his own meal and eat somewhere else. Now he eats everything I make and sits with us faithfully every day.

He's starting to pick up after himself again and hasn't done that in months.

Last night he offered to take the garbage to the curb, also hasn't done that in months.

Prior to BD, he was asleep by 9:30. After BD he was up all hours of the night. The last couple of weeks he seems to wait for me. He doesn't talk to me, there is no touching of any kind, but he's up until I go to bed at which point the TV and lights immediately go off.

After BD, he started working even more than before. 14+ hour days plus extra on Saturdays's. This past week he comes home at normal time and was a bit offended when I asked him why he was here. Guess that didn't come out right when I asked.

I know these things mean nothing but they are a change in his recent behavior.

I'm ready to get my life back. Figure out who I am and want to be and become her.