Finding ME again

[Courage]

BTW - your ex may have failed to take his thyroid medication regularly BECAUSE he has a brain tumor that is messing up his memory and thinking. It sounds like he really needs help - is there anyone in his family that can assume a caretaking role for him right now?

I don't know that it's that bad just yet but even if it were, he'd never let anyone take care of him really. Well, his girlfriend, yes, but I'm not sure she'd be able to handle it.

[Courage]

kml, zues, vanilla,

I REALLY appreciate you all dropping by.

kml, you asked all the right questions and I appreciate that. You sure know your stuff.

I seem to have lost all ability to judge just how a bad a situation is while I'm in the middle of it... sort of like turning the temperature up on the stove while sitting in the pot. Am I in a slow simmer? Is it boiling like nuts and I'm just looking around wondering why I'm having all these panic attacks in the middle of the night? Am I gas lighting myself because stbx has trained me so well over the past 20 years that I just spare him the effort and do it for him?

I feel paralyzed. I mean really paralyzed.

He has ALWAYS struggled with getting things done and having any general sense of responsibility so his behavior isn't worse now than it was before any of these dx.

I wouldn't win a fight for full custody and I don't even think that's what's best necessarily. Of course right now he's doing a great job of getting d9 to her extracurriculars... because we'll likely be meeting with a mediator soon and he knows that will come up. His M.O. though is to do REALLY well for a few weeks, maybe even a full month and then slowly decline using every excuse in the book. Then he decides that "she's not really into karate anymore so I'm not going to take her" or "she says she wants to quit piano, she's not learning anything anyway". Mark my words... in less than a month, that's where we'll be. But until then, he'll accuse me of doing everything in my power to keep her away from him.

I want to roll my eyes, cry, scream and throw a fit all at the same time... and yet none of that gets me anywhere while the water is boiling over.

[JellyB]

Hi Courage,

Glad to see you back here getting support, I must have missed you the first time around. I arrived here back in March 2015. I don't post often anymore as there are only a few of my tribe left, V and Zues being among them.

I am curious as to why you think you would not win full custody and why you think it would not necessarily be in your daughters best interest if you did. If you could divulge more of your thinking I would appreciate it.

Through my work I have worked with a number of families in your position. Your situation is complex and easy to get lost in the day to day overwhelm and drama, that occurs with a child presenting with certain needs, her father with significantly compromised physical wellness and a life crisis related to death and loss, with the possibility of stxh dying, and the ending of marriage and family through divorce.

Are you working with any specialist regarding your family's presenting situation. I don't mean specialist for your daughters and stbx's diagnoses, and I don't mean a mediator. I mean, a home visiting specialist, who understands acute family dynamics and the impact of health and disability issues on family functioning.

There are some clear vulnerabilities here, you included, as the most functioning individual in this family system. The pressure to make the right choices, to ensure safety and maintain relationships is beyond a burden. The load needs to shared.

It is apparent that something is going to have to give, and soon and it feels like you daughter maybe the one who wears burden.

I am trying to make sense of something from your writing. I keep coming back to you being scared of something, but can't work it out. What's stopping you from saying no to him. He is clearly struggling to the point where you believe it is impacting on your daughter's mental and emotional well being and her daily functioning. What's the barrier to stopping it? What would be need to happen for you to say no more for your daughter? For yourself?

You must be beyond exhausted, you say as much. Problem-solving and coping mechanisms decrease with people who at are mental and physical overload. Are you at burnout? If you are not, what would push you there? Is your daughter there? How bad does her behaviour and emotional dysregulation have to be before it is enough for her?

The answers to these questions are important, as they guide the urgency with which actions need to take place and which ones are the most appropriate given what is presenting in the here and now.

Maybe we can help you nut this out.

I might sound over zealous in asking these questions Courage, but I am worried for you, your daughter and even stbx.

I take no offense if you do not feel like responding to any of the above. I completely understand.

I wish you all much light and love through this part of your journey.

JellyBxxx

[Courage]

Hi Jelly! I do appreciate your questions and your concern. I'm going to try to answer them all and I hope that doing so will bring me some clarity. If not, maybe you could not-so-gently kick some clarity my way.

I am curious as to why you think you would not win full custody and why you think it would not necessarily be in your daughters best interest if you did. If you could divulge more of your thinking I would appreciate it.

Let's see if I can explain:

Stbx isn't incapacitated in any way, I mean, besides his long-standing struggle to be organized, plan, get things done. The tumor isn't affecting him as of yet. It's not growing (though he has not had a recent scan and is not forthright with information about his health to me because he thinks I'll use it against him) and is low-grade.

He's a good dad in a "fun dad" way. His biggest fear is that D9 won't remember him or that he won't leave a legacy for others to remember him. He has always been a let's-drop-everything-and-go-do-something-fun-today-dad and has never been super responsible about much. He has always been the squeaky-wheel-gets-the-grease-guy so if a bill is WAY overdue, that's when it gets paid but if there are bills unopened sitting on the table, they'll sit there for two months because other things have priority and "he's only one man". This is also why we are only NOW getting 2014 taxes filed. I'm kicking myself that I wasn't more involved in our taxes during our marriage but I literally could not do it all.

I don't think that his lack of type-A-ness means he is disqualified from having custody of D9. Am I way off base?

He contends that he DESERVES to spend valuable time with her because he doesn't know how long he has left. I push that 50/50 is fine so long as she gets to her extracurriculars, gets her meds on time and that he picks up 50% of the responsibility (doctor's apts, dental apts, managing her prescriptions, makes sure I'm not being his mommy by having to remind him about things). He of course agrees that he will do all of that but previously when we had 50/50 custody, he was woefully unreliable. He'd "forget" about karate (even though it is at the same time every week for the last 3 years), he'd "forget" about piano (same time every week for the past 4 years), she'd get to bed late because after karate he'd go to the market since there was no food in the house and then they'd get home around 7:30 which is when he'd start cooking dinner.

Is it annoying? YOU BET! Is it super frustrating that he can't seem to handle 50/50 custody? YES! But does that mean D9 shouldn't spend that time with him?

I don't know. I've lost all judgement on what is right.

Are you working with any specialist regarding your family's presenting situation. I don't mean specialist for your daughters and stbx's diagnoses, and I don't mean a mediator. I mean, a home visiting specialist, who understands acute family dynamics and the impact of health and disability issues on family functioning.

No. It's not like stbx is lying in a hospital bed. He's up, working (when he has a job), driving, having a social life, etc.

There are some clear vulnerabilities here, you included, as the most functioning individual in this family system. The pressure to make the right choices, to ensure safety and maintain relationships is beyond a burden. The load needs to shared.

You're right. The load needs to be shared but stbx shares no burden and never has. He is VERY strong-willed and pushes and pushes and pushes until he gets his way. Fighting him is close to impossible. I begin to question whether I have any right to fight 50/50 custody. I'm not even sure I'd have any recourse if he "promises" to get D9 to all of her extra curriculars consistently and on time and then slowly becomes unreliable in that area (which is what has happened in the past and is basically his M.O. when it comes to areas of responsibility). What is the court going to do? "Oh, you don't take her to karate? Well, then you can't have custody." No, they won't do that.

When I call him on his slow decline of responsibility he denies it and then, like someone who has been gas-lighted for 20 years, I think I must be nuts. So I document and refer to it often. But not getting D9 to karate consistently, even though that's what he said he will do, is not egregious enough an offense to take away custody. Right? Or am I wrong here?

It is apparent that something is going to have to give, and soon and it feels like you daughter maybe the one who wears burden.

D9 is actually doing very well for the first time in years. The last few months she has shown a maturity and sense of self I've never seen in her before. Her therapist agrees that she is doing well and would be capable of handling a more flexible schedule. Things are less chaotic with her for sure, in the last two months.

I am trying to make sense of something from your writing. I keep coming back to you being scared of something, but can't work it out. What's stopping you from saying no to him. He is clearly struggling to the point where you believe it is impacting on your daughter's mental and emotional well being and her daily functioning. What's the barrier to stopping it? What would be need to happen for you to say no more for your daughter? For yourself?

I'm scared he won't keep his promise. I'm scared I won't have any recourse when he doesn't. I'm scared of saying no to 50/50 custody and spending $20K in court only to have them give him 50/50 custody. I'm scared of the damage all of this could cause D9. I'm scared of her saying to me, "why do I see dad so much less than I see you?! I want to see him more". I'm scared of her accusing me of keeping her from him when she's older and being angry with me. I'm scared of his slow decline in consistency with her will change how well she has been doing. I'm scared of being so exhausted that I won't fight for what is right. I'm scared I don't even know what IS right. I'm scared of being strong-armed and steam rolled by him. I'm scared of his gas-lighting. I'm scared I don't trust my own instincts. I'm scared of how anxious I am. I am scared of the power he has over me. I'm scared he'll make me out to be some controlling mother who doesn't understand a father's equal right to his child. I am just really scared.

You must be beyond exhausted, you say as much. Problem-solving and coping mechanisms decrease with people who at are mental and physical overload. Are you at burnout? If you are not, what would push you there? Is your daughter there? How bad does her behaviour and emotional dysregulation have to be before it is enough for her?

I am beyond exhausted. It's Wednesday and I think I've gotten 4-5 hours sleep total since Sunday night. Each day I slowly chip at my own argument for him not having as much custody. I say to myself, "maybe I am being too controlling. How bad could it be? She loves him and wants to be with him, there's no harm in that". My gut tells me he just can't handle it but the other hand is telling me that maybe I should let him fail? Again, I don't know.

Yes, I am getting close to burnout. I've resisted an anti-anxiety rx but I called my doc for one today. Not sleeping and panic attacks every time he emails or texts has me in a very unhealthy state and I realize that.

My daughter doesn't know about any of this custody discussion. She's pleasantly unaware and that's good. Things are stable for her and consistent (because stbx knows we may go to mediation and will soon be discussing custody, he is on his best behavior as far as being responsible with her). If she becomes unregulated because of his inconsistency or poor responsibility I will fight AGAIN but I'm not sure what recourse I'll have then.

The answers to these questions are important, as they guide the urgency with which actions need to take place and which ones are the most appropriate given what is presenting in the here and now.

Maybe we can help you nut this out.

I might sound over zealous in asking these questions Courage, but I am worried for you, your daughter and even stbx.

I take no offense if you do not feel like responding to any of the above. I completely understand.

I appreciate you asking these questions. I can feel that others are worried for me and that makes me feel like I should take more action but I am lost, JellyB. He has a justification for everything. I am dying to sit with the mediator and really spend the time to break down all of this about my concerns regarding his wavering responsibility / consistency, his health, etc. but if he is there (and he would be since it's mediation), he will interrupt, overpower, contradict, manipulate, gas light... ANYTHING and I get lost in his projection, conflation of the facts, deflection and steam rolling...

This whole process is so terrifying. It hits my fear center so pointedly. I need help. A strategy. I don't trust my judgement anymore. I can't see through the fog.

[Dawgs]

Courage,

I am dying to sit with the mediator and really spend the time to break down all of this about my concerns regarding his wavering responsibility / consistency, his health, etc. but if he is there (and he would be since it's mediation), he will interrupt, overpower, contradict, manipulate, gas light... ANYTHING and I get lost in his projection, conflation of the facts, deflection and steam rolling...

You may find it more comfortable to have each of you in separate rooms. Oh, and the mediator will see through any crap.

[JellyB]

Courage,

I am just home from a long day at work, and I have read your response to my questions. Just from my brief perusal of your responses, you are more reasonable and self knowing than you think. I need to do some chores and such, and maybe ponder a little on your words (I'm an introvert, so I need some marinading time). But my general impression is you have a considered view of your stbx as a father, you recognise both his strengths and his weaknesses. Your daughter is doing well currently, this is yours and her therapist assessment, and you obviously feel her desire to be in his space. There is definite room to move here. My feeling off the top, is your exhaustion, anxiety and fear, are colouring your ability to see the strengths of this situation and your ability to advocate for a happy medium, given how poorly stbx, acts out towards you. Control of yourself and less over him and playing to his strengths as a parent, and minimising his weaknesses seems the way to go.

I really do think there is more positive here and than negative. The fact that your lovely daughter is maturing and finding her balance and self in the midst of these circumstances is just amazing. Children with your daughter's diagnoses are super sensitive to their surroundings, including the invisible stressors, its like they have sixth sense to things being slightly off. However she sounds like she is growing, potentially thriving. Whatever you have been doing has been building her personal resiliencies and capacities. She may be able to buffer more than she was once capable off. Maybe she is fully aware of her father's shortcomings and somehow, someway she has learned to compensate. Maybe his "fun dad" is all she needs him to be. It is enough to fill her love bucket. Maybe she relishes a little flexibility and adaptability to her life and schedule, as she likely has a lot of structure and routine in the rest of her life. I really don't know Courage, I'm really just throwing some initial ideas around, trying to bring a Beginners Mind to this situation of yours.

But in all this, you my lovely woman, need some relief. I'm glad you are considering options. Oxygen mask analogy is appropriate here, but so too, is the brain can only handle so much. Trying new strategies and being solution focussed, requires a clear mind. Lack of sleep and genuine rest, means the body is in a constant state of flight, flight or freeze. You mentioned feeling paralyzed yesterday. Your mind and body are taking care of you. It believes you are under attack. First we work towards feelings of safety and decompression for the heightened state you are in.

V talks about extreme self care, particularly for those of us who have experienced high levels of conflict, possible abuse and trauma. Believe me this site is a testament to divorce being a traumatic life a event. It should be honored for those who have experienced it as such. Honor your overwhelm and exhaustion Courage. A friend of mine told another friend of mine, who has a very similar situation to yours (a spewing ex and a child with mental health vulnerabilities) , that it is like you are standing on your head, while juggling dinner plates, all the while trying to wrangle a set of wild cats, it's kind of reasonable that you would find it hard and exhausting.

Anyway Courage, I must away. But we are all here, to love and walk through this with you. You may feel alone in this, but there is always some here, ready to listen, and at the very least, pay homage to the amazing woman and mother you and what an AWESOME job you are doing!!!!

Much Love

JellyB XXX

[Courage]

Jelly,

I can't express properly in words how much I REALLY needed to hear every single word you wrote. Your timing is incredible and I appreciate the time and care you took to write your thoughts. I question myself so much these days but your affirmation and validation has made me feel much more grounded. I feel like maybe I can trust my judgement a bit more and for that I owe you a debt of gratitude.

Thank you. Thank you so much!

You've given me courage!!!

[JellyB]

Hi Courage, just stopping by to see how things are going. Thank you for the kind words, but I only call things as I see them, and all need people to remind us of our spectacular we really are. Many special people from here gave me that gift when I needed it, and I am happy to pass on the love.

I have read through your posts again and just wondering what your ideal care and custody arrangement would like in the context of daughter and stbx. The extra-cirrular activities seem to be the sticking point for you. At least that is what comes across in your posts. I don't know your daughter's schedule, so I don't know if there is room to schedule her extra-curricular activities when she is not in his care.

You talked about a possible 40/60 arrangement. What would this look like?
Would you be prepared to do a 50/50 arrangement but still provide the pick and drop offs to activities. Look I may have only picked up on one of the worries you have about stbx parenting. But to me this seems to be the main one. Which appears with some parental buffering by you, may well be addressed.

On reflecting on your words, I feel that a lot of what is going on for I see with a number of parents on the board. The frustration of what he "should be" doing. I have seen that this leaves the full time parent with feelings of anger and resentment and of course the overwhelm of parenting with out support. Having spoken to many of friends about this issue, my observations have been, its the anger and resentment that eats you up and makes things difficult, rather than coming to some acceptance, that he isn't stepping up like you think he "should", so you might as well work with what he is giving up. And what he is giving you is "fun dad" or what other's here call " Disney Dad".

My suggestion would be how can you come up with a custody agreement that works to his Disney Dad parenting style. Look I know it not fair, but as my friend Zues says life isn't fair. But you have to find a solution that brings you as much peace of mind as possible. Don't get me wrong, peace of mind is does not mean physically and practically taxing. It just means your not piling mental and emotional energy on top of the practical and typical emotional demands of parenting.

Anyway Courage, just some thoughts. I hope you and your lovely girl are having a good weekend.

Much Love

JellyBxxx.

PS I understand you know my friend SunnyB!!!

[Vanilla]

I have read Jellyb amazing posts to you and your responses.

My concern is you, not D9 or H, but you.

In this dynamic you are the most important 'factor of production' and without extreme self care the system breaks. It does so because you do.

I understand that you are concerned for both D and H, but in reality your welfare must come first. This is likely to deteriorate as H health declines. He is not yet dependent or unable to take care of himself. He is the dad he is and that is separate from his role as H. It truly is separate. Absolutely his sandbox.

Children come first that is as it is, in order to do that to a large extent you have to take extreme care of you.

Frankly I would like to see your goals and plans for you.

Remember holding in this position is good enough, often just treading water is enough. Your health iservices declining, you are exhausted and weary, you are anxious (using your own words). I get it, truly I get it, if you read my threads you can see I am narrowly avoiding fin disaster and I work 80 plus hours a week in peak times. Different sitch although the dynamic is similar.

So

How do you eat?

What is your sleep like?

Do you exercise even a little?

Have you had a full PHYSICAL? Do you know your numbers?

Do you GAL?

Have treats such as massages, naILs, hairdressers......

Do you need supplements or hormone support?

Do you dress to the shoes?

Have you a confidant, that loves and supports you?

An IC?

Some me time?

Truly value self care, you are worth it and a role model for D.


I recollect the amazing RD always advising me on self care, to put my money where my mouth is and now I do. Recovery from depletion is slow and steady and easily set back. There are challenges to come like an athlete you can build your resilience to meet it.


You are stronger than you know.

V

[Courage]

The extra-cirrular activities seem to be the sticking point for you. At least that is what comes across in your posts. I don't know your daughter's schedule, so I don't know if there is room to schedule her extra-curricular activities when she is not in his care.

Yes, I feel that if he wants half of the custody, he should take on half of the parental responsibilities, too. It's not about fairness, it's more about, well, that's what parenting is. If he wants to be "fun" dad and leave the work and responsibility up to me, then he can have wednesdays and every other weekend. If he's up 50/50 custody then he can take on 50% of the work and responsibilities.

You talked about a possible 40/60 arrangement. What would this look like?

We currently have about 40/60 now and the vast majority of the shuttling falls on my portion. I'm ok with that generally because then at least i know she's getting to her things on time and prepared. He's pushing for 50/50 which is FINE, great even, but then he can pick up some of the responsibility, too.

Would you be prepared to do a 50/50 arrangement but still provide the pick and drop offs to activities. Look I may have only picked up on one of the worries you have about stbx parenting. But to me this seems to be the main one. Which appears with some parental buffering by you, may well be addressed.

Parental buffering, in this case, feels like I'm being mowed over. My time with D9 is mostly shuttling to and from things. If he wants 10% more custody then he can share the responsibility, too. I don't think that's a ridiculous expectation from a dad who wants 50% custody. With my 50% being FULL of extra curricular and his being completely unencumbered he then gets solid quality time with D9 and I get to be her Uber. If we share the ubering then we each get equal quality time, too. Does that make sense? I feel like that is super reasonable.

My suggestion would be how can you come up with a custody agreement that works to his Disney Dad parenting style. Look I know it not fair, but as my friend Zues says life isn't fair. But you have to find a solution that brings you as much peace of mind as possible. Don't get me wrong, peace of mind is does not mean physically and practically taxing. It just means your not piling mental and emotional energy on top of the practical and typical emotional demands of parenting.

I see what you're saying here and it's not really about what he "should" be doing. It's more practical than that. I can't make it so he doesn't allow her to curse at his house. I can't make him limit her video game time while she's there. But if he wants to have her half of the time, he absolutely SHOULD be required to take her to things not because that's what I want but because that is what is BEST for D9, it's what she wants and it's what she needs for her development.

PS I understand you know my friend SunnyB!!!

I do indeed!!!