hopefully the MC is actually wanting to help you save your M. My W used our MC sessions as divorce facilitation from the second meeting. Finally I caught on what she was doing and decided to end the sessions. She moved out and filed in November...3 months after BD. She had her mind made up from the get go...I think. No real desire to work things out.
Our first MC was like that. She used him to validate her reasons for divorce. He never tried to work it out and save the marriage. We did five sessions with him. Our second, and last, was awesome...she tried to work it out to save the marriage. But as SBJ said, my ex's mind was made up and there was nothing that could have been done. And then there was the fact that she lied about the affair even after the MC presented evidence. Good times. Not.
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I pray that your path is shown to you. You are not alone in this fight. She is battling demons that you know nothing about. Try and let go even more and see what happens. You can only control you.
^This. Remember the road analogy. You are each on your own roads. Unfortunately, hers doesn't have room for you. But, you can leave room for her on yours if you so choose...just know that only you can walk your path.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
In Michele's book, and also in the LRT newsletter, she says "you need to give your partner some space" - isnt a break a ton of space?
In our mind, yes. But, once again, your break was - what, four weeks? You have to remember that this - for her - was most likely years in the making. Four weeks isn't going to do anything.
Your only option now is to almost pretend she doesn't exist. What hobbies do you have? Find something that you can immerse yourself in and that also takes your concentration. I talk hobbies quite a bit as they are great at helping you work on yourself. The unfortunate thing is that, in reality, to her you don't exist in some aspect. She's doing what she will in her own time frame. As should you. Own your road because only you can.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
What hobbies do you have? Find something that you can immerse yourself in and that also takes your concentration. I talk hobbies quite a bit as they are great at helping you work on yourself.
Is there a thread on her discussing hobbies? I need some ideas. I spent some time yesterday thinking about what hobbies id want to take up, in additon to working out more. Ideally, id like something where i can meet other people my age (40ish).
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
The key to hobbies (getting a life - GAL) is to find something that is immersive and fun. Something that makes you happy and helps distract you from your marital issues. When I was looking into GAL activities, I considered things like skydiving, but I started doing some home projects and I became totally hooked. I currently have five projects going simultaneously and it's awesome.
Is there a thread on her discussing hobbies? I need some ideas. I spent some time yesterday thinking about what hobbies id want to take up, in additon to working out more. Ideally, id like something where i can meet other people my age (40ish).
No, I just mention them in various threads from time to time. Working out is great and has helped me immensely.
As for me, I took up one again that was a favorite of mine back in childhood - and it really has helped me. In the darkest of my times during all this, I happened to be in a store that sold model airplanes and ships. I think I sat there for an hour or so just looking at them...it just sort of allowed me a brief escape of everything. I think I looked at everyone over and over, maybe reminiscing. Now, mind you, I've been around aviation for a good portion of my life and airplanes have always fascinated me. So I just picked one up. After the kids went to sleep I opened it and started...I found that for that time, my thoughts didn't stray to my troubles. I was hooked again and still build them, but I have branched out to the wooden ships, too. I have other hobbies - golf, fishing, etc.
What I'm getting at is find something that suits you and allows you to get lost, so-to-speak. For some it's painting. Others, woodworking. Or, go back to your childhood - you'd be amazed.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
My immediate, short term measure is that she genuinely wants to try to fix things.
As of 4 weeks ago, she said "i do not want to try to fix things" and she has spent the time since doing things that definitely dont help (e.g. talking to the other guy).
My point is you can't measure success based upon what someone else will do. You can only measure it upon what YOU will do.
My immediate, short term measure is that she genuinely wants to try to fix things.
As of 4 weeks ago, she said "i do not want to try to fix things" and she has spent the time since doing things that definitely dont help (e.g. talking to the other guy).
My point is you can't measure success based upon what someone else will do. You can only measure it upon what YOU will do.
You can not control someone else - only yourself.
Giving up and filing for divorce probably isnt the right definition of success right now. Im having one of those days though where it sounds tempting.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Giving up and filing for divorce probably isnt the right definition of success right now. Im having one of those days though where it sounds tempting.
I did the passive thing for 2 years. It was a living hell. I had a cake eater on my hands and I was serving her the cake. I woke up one day and found my missing testicles. Hobbies? I took up some. First, I filed for divorce and had her served. Second, I really moved on, didn't just pay it lip service, asked some nice ladies out to lunch, coffee, movies, etc. Nothing serious. Not really dating, just friends and fun.
WOW DID THAT NOT HAVE AN INSTANT IMPACT!!! More impact than anything I had tried from any program on any website. She was sitting on a fence and eating cake (like your wife). I took away her cake and knocked her off the fence. In a nanosecond I went from pursuer to pursued. I realized I was the quality spouse. I was faithful. She wasn't. She was a cheater. Who the hell wants a cheater? Once this was my mindset she saw that I was the "winner" of this whole thing and that I was going to move on and have a great life. She decided she wanted in on that. Sobered her up from a 3 year MLC crisis in a white hot second. I wasn't even sure if I wanted her anymore. She became the crier, the begger, the sobber. She became the clingy one pursuing me. I felt like a million bucks because I was moving on to more quality non-cheating women. Well, my heart softened and if you read my signature you know that it worked out. We love each other and respect each other. My wife knows one thing. Cross even ONE boundary with a member of the opposite sex, one flirty text, one advance by a male that isn't immediately shut down, etc. and I'm gone. Gone for good and I'll be just fine. Millions of wonderful loyal loving caring beautiful women in this world who would be thrilled to be with a successful, nice, smart, in shape, loyal man.
That's my two cents. This whole passive thing where she laughs at your boundaries and disrespects you at her leisure? That's not going to work. She's going to think even less of you for that. Good luck my friend. I really mean that.
Second, I really moved on, didn't just pay it lip service, asked some nice ladies out to lunch, coffee, movies, etc. Nothing serious. Not really dating, just friends and fun.
Getting back on that horse, however short the ride, works wonders, no?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
