Gord...her goal is for us to be great friends which we have always been. She just doesn't want to be married to me. I have heard that she wants me to get over her so that she can start dating. She only wants to look good in people's eyes. Never mind that God says he hates divorce. She can divorce me, date other people, and we can all be wonderful friends...no thanks.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
So help me out because I am really strugggling with this. My W also says we will always be best friends. I said I want to be her H not her friend. W also says she meant her vows when she made them but she's no longer the same person so they no longer apply--how convenient! How do you manage this twisted dynamic? And yes, she cares about appearances so will not go public with her romantic pursuits until we are officially D.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
She is a Sunday Christian. She says with her lips how much she believes, but her actions show otherwise. Personally you should be all in or all out when it comes to your religious beliefs. You should not pick and choose what you believe from the Bible. Or better yet...you should not try and interpret what the Bible means and then bend it to fit your desires. Like you said, she meant her vows, but doesn't now. That's BS.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Everything is all about them...you are right. Even though she feels like she spent the last 20+ years taking care of everyone else like her sisters, her parents, her kids, and her family...like most people do day in and day out. I never put any demands on her regarding anything...we never fought over the house, money, kids, work...nothing like that. Our only issue was the regularity in the romance department.
1. What was the issue regarding regularity in the romance department?
2. You also indicated she had an EA which preceded the BD. What was she getting from the EA that she wasn't getting in the M?
3. Also, has your W just drifted away from the faith...or is she in rebellion against it?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
***1. What was the issue regarding regularity in the romance department?
We've been together longer than we were apart. 25 years together and she is 43. In the beginning things were great and then we had that life thing happen. 3 kids, work, volunteering, extended family obligations, etc. She has always been kind and caring, but has never been extremely passionate when it came to the bedroom. Now that she has gone thru her physical transformation...she feels she wants passion...just not with me. And claims that she will never be able to be with me again.
***2. You also indicated she had an EA which preceded the BD. What was she getting from the EA that she wasn't getting in the M?
The EA went from April-July that I know about. We didn't meet this guy until then so I know that it didn't start earlier, but I can't really say that it ended. She changed her cell service and all of her passwords so there was no way to snoop. Good for me, because I would have been OCD about it.
As for what she got out of it...she claimed they were just friends and that it was nice to have a male friend that didn't expect anything from her. I call BS on that statement. I can't speak to his intentions, but I did tell him to cut all ties with her and my family. Again...can't tell for sure if that happened. I'm sure there is some resentment from her that I ended their EA...right?
***3. Also, has your W just drifted away from the faith...or is she in rebellion against it?
She is more involved with our church and our outreach programs now than she has ever been. Again, I feel that she is putting on a costume...showing everyone an exterior of this perfect Catholic woman, but not living what she preaches. We are all hypocrites, I know and we are forgiven in God's eyes, but you can't commit a sin over and over and keep asking for forgiveness...because you aren't really sorry for what you are doing.
Maybe she is rebelling against me. I don't know. I'm no psychologist, but I know that her mother did this same thing to her father when my wife was young, and her grandmother did the same thing to her grandfather. This is a generational thing with them. None of the women were sorry for what they did, but when talking to my FIL, he desperately wanted to work things out. He didn't get the chance. He is utterly confused at why she is doing this to me and our kids, but he sees the similarity to my MIL.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Just a small 2 x 4. When you say "She is a Sunday Christian". Her "Actions don't match her words", this takes on a judgemental position. I'm not saying you are wrong, but understand most of us see things from our own perspective and not through someone else's eyes.
The problem with judgement is it can take on a negative aspect and this negative aspect can lead you down a path where you don't let other people's opinions or actions count.
I understand this is a tough journey. Especially when a spouse does things that you don't agree with or is in the best interest of the family. There is a line in a book from James Hollis - become comfortable with uncomfortableness. Much of life puts us in those positions.
What I get out of this is you need to put yourself first to be healthy, similar to DR, DB. Heal yourself first. Once you do I think things like judging other people's actions ie wife aren't that important and you can allow people to be who they are. Now you may not like who they become and you have some choices to make.
This is a difficult journey. I wanted to give another perspective for you to think about.
Starting to sense some anger coming out through your posts, its not entirely a bad thing unless as my Mentor Ur (Bless her heart( would say "Just do not live there" ... use that to fuel you to the other side of where you need to be.
I can relate to the Church/Catholic thing. Truth is I was married in a Catholic church, promised to raise our children Catholic as was the requirement. about a year after BD while I was struggling, I started going to church on my own .... a few things happened and was clearly God nudging me along I attended the RCIA program and converted to Catholicism. I was now armed with what I will just describe as Self Obtained Righteousness and could not believe my MLCr who was secretly having a full blown unapologetic affair would have the nerve to receive the Eucharist. I recall just turning beat red with rage, shame, you name it ... I wanted God to settle MY score.
I finally arrived at where I am now, her sins are her buisness and that will be between her and God ... who am I to judge .. I have my own plate of sins I have asked for continued forgiveness for. Be quick not to Judge as mirage wisely said ... thats His job right?
So as I have read a ton I knew I had seen something similar ... this was a post here by AmyC who was a MLCr and she had the courage to share quite a bit while she was here. May help you understand a bit of what your W is up against.
Quote:
I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that there was NOTHING ANYONE could have said to me that would have moved me. As an example, right smack dab in the middle of my MLC, while practicing adultery, I sat my self-righteous butt in church and my Pastor pointed his finger straight at me one day during an altar call and he said to me "how long are you going to sit there?" He had been talking about letting the enemy influence us and destroy our families from within. At the time this happened, not one soul knew I was having an affair. Not one soul. I got called out, IN CHURCH, by a man that I had so much respect for, KNEW God had sent into my life the year before, and yet when he stood there that day, I didn't move a muscle. That is very telling of the grip the enemy had on me and I didn't even realize it. It is interesting to me that I basically lost my mind within a year of darkening the doorway of a church for the first time ever in my whole life. I got involved there, having felt "led" to that teacher for some reason.... 6 years later I know why. It's because every tool he gave me during that first year, I have had to use mightily in order to be able to stand for my marriage.
mirage and Cali...I am trying to come to grips with it all. She is a cradle Catholic and claims to have so many strong views on her beliefs. We were asked to assist in teaching in a confirmation class. During the classes they discuss all of the Holy sacraments of the church. She believes that they are all sacred, but that whole Marriage one is not as important. Maybe she can look at the Ten Commandments and pick and choose those as well. Just Kidding...Kind of.
I realize that I have no control over her or her decisions. I know that we all only answer to one true God for all of our life decisions. I know what kind of man I want to be. I'm worried about what my kids will learn by her decisions...I hope they will learn more from me on how to stand for your M and your beliefs.
I have read AmyC's posts and they truly hit home. I can only hope and pray that at some point in her journey she is touched by His Word and spirit. Until then, I'm battling with the anger vs sadness thing within myself.
I don't try to sound self-righteous as I know that I fight daily to ask for forgiveness of my own sins. At this point I can only pray for her to find the peace she desires.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
***...she feels she wants passion[ate]...just not with me.***
Sigh, I've heard this one. She says she likes ML with me, but she says she's no one man can satisfy her...
***As for what she got out of it...she claimed they were just friends...***
Yes, my W said she and her POM were just friends and that she had no control over how she started feeling towards him...do you know your W's EA is completely over?
***She is more involved with our church and our outreach programs now than she has ever been.***
Maybe it's good that she's more engaged/involved? Maybe it gives her more opportunity to be touched by something there...in God's time...
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
At this point God is the only one that can touch her. I just posted to your thread about Amy's postings. As she said...nobody could have said anything that would've made a difference in what she was doing.
In his time all things will be revealed and healed.
Today I am trying to let go of some anger and sadness. Hard to totally let go and let God take control.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
