MLC? Maybe you can tell me...

[Cristy]

Hello KarenHC,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. Michele has an excellent video regarding the Sex Starved Marriage. Please email me if you would like me to send you the link at no charge.

Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal.

Focus all of your time, effort and energy into being the best KarenHC and mom that only a fool would leave.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Bird]

Testing...not sure if I'm still on moderation or if my last post yesterday just didn't make it through?

[Bird]

[quote=Gordie
You say that you guys are still very compatible in terms of your interests and intellect, but it seems like you've lost the emotional connection and physical/sexual connection. What happened on those fronts? Were they good in the beginning but atrophied with the professional/financial/parental challenges? Were you able to share your inner lives with one another? Was the loss of sexual intimacy the cause or effect of drifting apart? [/quote]

Okay, looks like I must have screwed up my response yesterday. We shared everything with each other. We were truly a team, best friends. We were always close, sex was always good. Not always frequent, but always good. It wasn't an issue of where I wanted more than he wanted or vice versa. I guess neither of us prioritized it because we were doing other things like working and raising little kids. In hindsight I realize how important it was and we both should have worked a lot harder to maintain that intimate connection. Two years ago, he surprised me for my 40th with a family party at Dave & Busters (we love video games) and at the party he surprised me with a trip to Jamaica, just the two of us. It was an awesome trip. We had a private Valentine's Day dinner on the beach, super romantic. Lots of relaxing and fun and (ahem) lots of other things. We didn't want to leave on our last morning there. I think of that trip just two years ago when he rewrites our history. I know that was real. When we got back from that trip, we got the call about the company buyout and that is when everything started falling apart.

Was the loss of sexual intimacy the cause of effect of drifting apart? I don't know. It's like the chicken and the egg. I guess a little bit of both?

[job]

Karen,

You were taken off moderation on Tuesday morning. Are you sure you hit the submit button when you posted earlier?

[Bird]

Who knows. I probably didn't, no worries though!

[Gordie]

I'm no MLC expert but you asked if we can tell you. It feels like he is running away from the challenges of life...career not working out, a difficult parenting situation, and what to him might feel like a loveless and sexless M...and into the arms of the OW. Those are signs of panic, immaturity, selfishness, maybe depression, maybe MLC. Is he obsessed with aging/youth, working out/appearance, fear of sickness/death? Have you read that famous John Updike novel about a man like your H who is trying to run away from his life and makes messes wherever he goes?

[Bird]

Hmm...he hasn't articulated a problem with aging. He lost around 20 pounds last winter but he wasn't trying to. He just wasn't eating much. We used to run together but he hasn't exercised in a long time. It would be good for him to do so, but I digress. Like I said, he's tall and lean so he's not putting on pounds. He has been spending some of his free time with people from work, one guy I know is only around 30 and of course the OW is only 33. He hasn't communicated much with "our" friends who are his own age.

The main thing that makes me think MLC (besides the depression) is his erratic behavior - the "mirror image". So many of his choices lately have not been typical. Even little things. My 12 year old asked me to make her an appointment to speak with a counselor as she's been feeling some emotional numbness/depression. I texted him on Tuesday (the first time I've communicated to him since Friday night's blow up) and asked what he has planned with them for Feb break (he has them) because she wanted me to take her to see a counselor. He responded with what he has planned/when she will be free. Didn't ask about her at all. So unlike him. He texted me yesterday and asked if there was anything he needed to know about why she was asking to see a counselor. As if skipping out on your wife and kids and renting a house down the street wasn't enough of a reason?

I've never read that book but I just looked it up on Amazon - is it Rabbit, Run? I'm inclined to check it out.

[Gordie]

1. Well, ditching your old friends/pets/children/spouse is a typical trait of MLC and they usually get replaced by younger and/or like minded single/divorced people who will support your H's new life/lifestyle/romantic interests. Typically, looking younger (working out, dying your hair, plastic surgery), acting younger, and fears of aging/death are also part of the package. Also, going back to/getting stuck on some prior trauma from youth/family of origin is also part of the package (conscious or unconscious).

2. Re your H's reaction to the counseling, I think the advice given to me which I will pass on to you is to keep your expectations at ZERO. This is for your protection. When you expect him to do the normal thing (show concern for his children) and he doesn't do it, it only upsets YOU. Treat him like a male neighbor or a store clerk. You can be polite and friendly and ask them about their day or the weather, but you don't expect anything from them emotionally or physically.

3. Yes, that's the book. It's literature, not self help, but can give you insight into the walk away husband's mindset and the crazy things he can do. Not sure you want to read it in your current state of mind/situation, as it may hit too close to home. But it's a classic of 20th century English language literature for a reason, so thought you may have bumped into it along the way. Maybe read a summary of the book before you buy it and decide whether or not it is helpful/hurtful for you.

[Bird]

Expectations is definitely something I'm working on. Honestly I expected once he was gone for a few weeks that he would show up going "what did I just do?", instead I found out he's really probably with OW. So expectations hit me like a hammer. I need to learn Expectations and Detachment, and fast.

He's definitely stuck. He went through something similar on a far smaller scale about 15 years ago. Was reading all these books like "What color is your parachute" trying to figure out what he wanted out of life. I feel like that might be an undercurrent. Just general dissatisfaction, but maybe that's also the depression poking around.

The other trait I'm seeing with him that's different for "standard" MLC is that he isn't nasty or angry. He's more...despondent. Extreme martyr. I guess if he takes all the blame for everything that's happening that he's somehow absolved? He is just completely checked out. He claims to feel awful at the loss of our relationship, he claims to have cried and still cries over it. And then in the next breath tells me he's thinking of asking OW out (pretty sure they're already together but he's going to deny that to the bitter end). But that he knows this is "the right thing" and we'll all be happier. That I deserve someone who is inspired to be a good husband and he just isn't. He's right, I'm well aware of what I deserve. I just know that guy is still in there, somewhere.

Having said that, he gaslighted me a little the other night when I was trying to get him to be honest about OW. Our marriage counselor got him stuck on the idea of "telling his truth". I guess he's working on being honest with himself but not necessarily with me. So part of the text he sent the other night went "Since you are wanting me to deliver truth which I am trying to be with myself...my truth is that I don't think focusing on who I or you may date has any value at all. I have spoken to Monica and learned more about her recently. And I may decide it makes sense to ask her out. Or maybe not. But by mentioning that I'm guessing that will be all that's taken away." I'm not sure if it's gaslighting or victim blaming, but that last sentence set my teeth on edge. He can't have any idea how painful it is to read something like that from your mate.

I just don't get it. If you're sad to lose our relationship and you feel so awful, why not put some effort into reconnecting and keeping it? We had a good life. Great kids, best friends, mutual respect. Why not try to hang on to that?

He should have the separation agreement in his hands by now, but I haven't heard anything from him or my attorney about it...

[SBJ]

Karen, I am no expert, but everyone says that detachment is the key and setting your expectations of them and anything from them to zero is a must.

My W is not an angry MLC'er either...she is happy go lucky all the time, at least when she is around other people. We don't see them when they are alone, so who knows really what is going on with them emotionally.

As far as right from wrong...I think they pick and choose what to believe in that department. They are only concerned with what is right for them...this is their selfishness I think.

I too wonder about how they deal with hurting us as their longtime spouse/best friend. I can't get it either. I'd like to think that I would never be able to do that to someone I love, but I'm not the one in that type of crisis. If you get a chance to read anything posted on these boards from AmyC, it might give you an idea of what goes thru the mind of one in MLC.

God Bless!!!