I get the traditional idea of being the provider Anna. Most recent men work like that. It's actually his way of caring. He wants to provide. Basic, but normal IMHO.
Did you not want that?
What did you want
What do you want from the next Mr Right?
Hard questions I know. Sorry.
Surfer, I have no issue whatsoever with the traditional protector/provider kind of guy. My family of origin is very traditional in that sense, and that's the kind of behavior I associate with being loved. In the situation with my H, I think that was his goal, but we really clashed over the way he went about it. He wanted to be respected as "the man," but tried to go about it by issuing ultimatums and demanding compliance rather than being willing to talk and compromise. He was very much, "I make the money, so I make the rules."
Being older now, I see that a lot of his behavior was rooted in insecurity and need for me to look up to him as a husband and as a man, and that he just didn't know healthy ways of accomplishing that without resorting to cro-magnon behavior. But we married very young and, at the time, all I saw was unreasonable behavior and unwillingness to compromise, so I dug in my heels. Ultimately, he was really hurt, felt unsupported, and I think that probably played a part in why he first started seeking validation and admiration from other women. Caveat: I'm not saying anyone should be a doormat for a demanding, controlling spouse, or that I should have let mine steamroller over me as he often tried to do. I'm also not justifying or excusing infidelity. I'm just saying, in my particular situation, I wish I'd had the foresight to see his behavior for what it was and had dealt with it in more healthy and validating ways.
Next Mr. Right? Gosh, I don't know... I loved being married...I'm very much a family person...but I haven't yet given a lot of thought as to what that might look like next time around. I have grown and changed so much over the course of this journey. Ultimately, I think the only thing that truly matters to me is that someone is as committed to the idea of family as I am. There are always going to be differences and edges that need to be smoothed out when you're integrating someone new into your life. I'm not looking for a fairy tale or someone to be perfect. I really just want someone who is willing to do the work to stay close and connected, and who will stay. Anything else is negotiable.
I think guilt has a lot to do with it. H even admitted to me at one point that he started fights with me to avoid dealing with feelings, and he wouldn't look at me or initiate conversations because he had a hard time seeing the hurt on my face. They mask a lot of their own difficult feelings with bad behavior.
Just to be clear ... at least in my case, I think it's a mix. I think my WW (who is highly judgmental due to low self-esteem, and anger-prone due to poor impulse control) always found many of my ideas and habits acutely annoying, and, while her mind was in a "let's make it work" mode, she tried really hard to repress those feelings.
But now that she's decided to divorce me, I think it's a relief for her to stop repressing those feelings of judgment and frustration against me, *and* it's ramped up further because it helps her justify wanting to give all that *she knows and remembers* is good in our partnership.
Knowing this helps me be a little more tolerant of her contempt for me, and helps me detach a little better. It helps -- it doesn't make it easy.
I think the right approach is to validate (acknowledge how she feels) but drop the rope -- don't argue on the specific points. And of course detach and GAL.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
it helps her justify wanting to give all that *she knows and remembers* is good in our partnership.
Typo above. I meant to say:
It helps her justify wanting to give UP all that *she knows and remembers* is good in our partnership.
Anyway, the mix between "there really has been frustrations all along" and "WH is inventing frustrations to justify leaving" might be different in your situation.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Just to be clear ... at least in my case, I think it's a mix. I think my WW (who is highly judgmental due to low self-esteem, and anger-prone due to poor impulse control) always found many of my ideas and habits acutely annoying, and, while her mind was in a "let's make it work" mode, she tried really hard to repress those feelings.
But now that she's decided to divorce me, I think it's a relief for her to stop repressing those feelings of judgment and frustration against me, *and* it's ramped up further because it helps her justify wanting to give all that *she knows and remembers* is good in our partnership.
You make a good point. I think that is probably the case in any relationship past the initial days of infatuation and imagined perfection. Everyone is an adjustment when you choose to enter into a relationship with them, and we are all going to have our ways that are going to annoy each other and requiring some tinkering. IMHO, there is really no such thing as that perfect match, or "the one," but rather closer-than-other-approximations, and what-type-of-flaws-can-I-live-with in exchange for someone else offering the same grace to me. It makes perfect sense though, that we become less willing to extend those courtesies when the relationship is on the rocks. I think the differences that also initially attract us to one another can become polarizing with time, as well. For instance, my H is very closed off emotionally, and I'm very open and heart on my sleeve. He loved that about me in the beginning of our relationship, but it was a huge barrier to our ability to communicate and connect as time went on.
I think the fairy tale "the one" is the kind of BS a wayward fantasies of. Me and my wh generally gelled on practically everything. Worked together as a team. We just showed love slightly different, him through acts of service and me- verbally, through touch. But he is adamnet we just "aren't right for each other".
I think going through DB-ing helps us to understand the dynamics of MR's. We learn so much. But they don't go through that journey of realisation and a probably pretty much doomed to make the same mistakes over and over until they realise it's not like a Disney movie
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I came across an old post by you, and liked what you had to say, and went to read up on your situation, and realized I already had a few exchanges with you back in August last year.
Your signature says separated 5/2014. I think in one of your posts you talked about dating after the divorce. So you did divorce, right? Or are you still DB-ing hoping he'll come back?
If you did divorce, how did you know it was time to date again? Did you wait til you no longer felt in love with your H?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
For instance, my H is very closed off emotionally, and I'm very open and heart on my sleeve. He loved that about me in the beginning of our relationship, but it was a huge barrier to our ability to communicate and connect as time went on.
Explain this in a little greater detail, please. How did something what was loved become a huge barrier? One or both of you changed in a way as to make this unpalatable for both. Either he grew tired of hearing it or you grew tired of doing it. Either way, it leads us in a roundabout way to the question I've put on another thread regarding just what we are willing to over look in a partner...which relates to choosing right/wrong. Knowing issues before hand and thinking they aren't big but still overlooking them will lead to the same issues rearing their head later one. Ask me how I know.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I am not divorced. Although WH was the one who left and eventually initiated divorce paperwork, he flip-flopped constantly through the process. It took him over a year to start the paperwork (during which time he talked repeatedly about coming home and how we were going to make it through this and he just needed time). Then out of the blue, he couldn't get divorced fast enough. Two months later, he was second guessing himself and told his attorney not to turn our final paperwork into the judge. Two months after that, he told me he missed our family and wanted to come home. He promised to dismiss the divorce case but didn't and just left things stagnating in the court. Things kept dragging out with him being neither here nor there, and it seemed like he was incapable of making a decision. Eventually, I had enough, packed my bags and left. When he saw I had no intention of returning, suddenly he was desperate to have me back, started seeing a counselor, and dismissed our case. We are currently still married but living separately.
As for dating, I waited until we had signed the papers. In our situation, we had already been living separately for almost a year and a half by that point, and although I have no concrete proof, all signs pointed to him living with the woman he left me for. I wanted, and felt emotionally ready to move forward, and I felt like he had already disrespected our marriage so much from his previous affair, plus current situation, it really didn't matter either way.
This is not to grill you but to understand your thinking: If you left him, and he's probably living w/ OW, and you're OK dating others, why not file for D yourself? Are you still hoping for a reconciliation?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
