Working on a Trial Separation Agreement with MLC H

[ccgrrl]

Well, as you all can see, I've taken a break from coming here for the past few weeks...It actually seems much longer than that.

My H. and I have come to a written separation agreement without the involvement of lawyers, something we both felt was very important. It almost crumbled when he refused to actually sign the document, even though we both found that the document would not be enforceable anyway. For me it was very important because it meant that he did actually intend to live up to what he was agreeing to. Ultimately, I let it go, though. I told him I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, even though he could not do that for me. I also told him if it didn't seem he was really trying to meet his financial and childcare obligations, when this agreement expires (in 4 months), I will be using a lawyer. He thanked be for my generosity.

But before all of that, the negotiations were quite difficult. At one point he asked me to put in a line that said I was okay with him seeing other women!! I told him that was cruel and that I knew well enough that I could not control him when he was out the door, but that there was no way I was going to add that to an agreement that is about childcare and finances.

I told my IC and she said that actually I would be surprised by how many men seem to want their wife's permission to have an affair. It's really quite bizarre to me....

Anyway, so he is supposed to move out at the end of the week. Tomorrow we tell the kids (6 & 13)... I'm really scared for how they will respond. I have come to terms with this insanity, but how could they possibly understand this?

Whatever happens, I plan to use these four months to get my life as a single parent together, because it really does seem he is pretty certain he wants a divorce.... It's so strange, because things have become rather congenial here and I don't understand what he thinks will be better out there. I don't think he know how much he is going to miss this family time - either that, or he is under the mistaken impression that we are all still going to hang out together.

At any rate, while I am working through things (I recommend this book called "Transitions" by William Bridges) and I think my detachment is really becoming a way of life for me, I don't know how to guide my kids through this since it will be as surprising to them as it all was at the BD. I've had over 3 months to absorb it, but it will all be fresh again tomorrow when we talk.

Wish me luck...And thank you all for your continuing support.

[SBJ]

Good luck and God bless tomorrow.

[ccgrrl]

Told the kids and everything went okay, but we’ll see what happens moving forward. S13 looked very disappointed in us (I can’t blame him) and said he knew this was going to happen..S6 didn’t seem to really care and just wanted to get back to the game he was playing, so that worries me a bit. But now I’m feeling pretty unsettled because of some other stuff…

So, we’ve set up a fairly details separation agreement and both agreed to it. It’s pretty much just about money and kids as he made it clear he does not want to work on the relationship at all, so it’s just logistical. The thing is, since we both work various jobs and also do freelance work, our childcare schedules have always been kind of complex and really only work because we work with each other to alter the schedule whenever either party has something out of the ordinary.

Well, now, the relationship is different and I don’t really feel like I want to bend over backwards to help him make more money than he is obligated to give toward his obligations, as I get nothing in return. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I do get it - I cannot expect anything from him, but he’s really asked me to look at our relationship differently, he’s told me he doesn’t even want to be separated - he wants to be divorced asap, he’s told me he can’t guarantee he’ll be faithful and indeed has women he’d like to pursue, and has said in both words and actions that he does not want to deal with my emotions/needs.

So, during these past few months, I’ve realized how much I had been bending to the needs of his minimal freelance career, all the while telling him we need him to get an actual job because we should not still be living paycheck to paycheck at this age and with two kids to support. Now, motivated by his desire to “escape,” he’s been applying for jobs like crazy and actually got one, but doesn’t want to give up the freelance work. All of that is fine, except it makes our agreement re: childcare schedule completely useless as every week he works different hours. If he gets his way, the kids will have no stable schedule at all. And as for me, as usual, I will not be able to count on any particular schedule.

I want to say that if I were still in a committed relationship where we were working to build a future together (as we had been for 27 years), I would continue to support him 1000 percent, including living with a completely random schedule, but now that I am being denied affection, care, respect, concern, and commitment and I am being told there’s no way in hell we are going to end up back together (said more nicely than that), it seems like he’s trying to get all of his freedom back without giving up any of the security of having me have his back.

Am I wrong?

How do I balance my rage about this with the kids’ needs to continue seeing him on a regular basis?

[Rose888]

What does the agreement say with regards to custody?

The most stable system for the kids is probably to stick with your custody schedule and have each of you be responsible for finding child care as needed during your time.

[ccgrrl]

I guess I wasn't really clear... We worked out a whole complicated schedule to accommodate for our typical schedules and now at every turn he wants an exception. So, for example, he has the kids every Saturday night and I have them every Friday night. Well, he just scheduled a bunch of freelance gigs (he's a musician) on Saturday nights, even though we both agreed to this schedule. Then, the day before that he asked me to move something on a Tuesday and he'd "make up the time" to me on Sunday....

Child care is an issue because my kids have never had a babysitter in their lives due to our mutual ability to work together so one of us was always home. In retrospect, this "flexibility on our parts" also led to us never doing anything together since one was always doing childcare. We have no relatives nearby and live in a semi-rural area. S13 could do some babysitting, but not late at night.

I just feel like I am expected to keep up the flexibility and compromise of our old relationship, even has he's cast that aside - would not even try therapy, even though we went a couple of times. He says he needs to "stand on his own two feet," but that seems to me I have to always be available to pick up after him and his kids will not be able to count on a regular schedule.

I'm really stuck here because he (and we) does need to make money and should take opportunities as they come up, but if he does that, I have to pass things up and the kids also don't get to see him.

[Rose888]

I guess I wasn't really clear... We worked out a whole complicated schedule to accommodate for our typical schedules and now at every turn he wants an exception. So, for example, he has the kids every Saturday night and I have them every Friday night. Well, he just scheduled a bunch of freelance gigs (he's a musician) on Saturday nights, even though we both agreed to this schedule. Then, the day before that he asked me to move something on a Tuesday and he'd "make up the time" to me on Sunday....

Child care is an issue because my kids have never had a babysitter in their lives due to our mutual ability to work together so one of us was always home. In retrospect, this "flexibility on our parts" also led to us never doing anything together since one was always doing childcare. We have no relatives nearby and live in a semi-rural area. S13 could do some babysitting, but not late at night.

I just feel like I am expected to keep up the flexibility and compromise of our old relationship, even has he's cast that aside - would not even try therapy, even though we went a couple of times. He says he needs to "stand on his own two feet," but that seems to me I have to always be available to pick up after him and his kids will not be able to count on a regular schedule.

I'm really stuck here because he (and we) does need to make money and should take opportunities as they come up, but if he does that, I have to pass things up and the kids also don't get to see him.

You're not stuck. You have a choice. You can choose to continue to be flexible or you can choose to stick to the schedule and tell him he needs to find a babysitter.

I'd definitely choose the second option, because I think over time the first option will cause too much resentment on your part, and arguing between the two of you, and that will be worse for your kids than having a babysitter.

I'm sympathetic to the fact that you want different choices, but I think it's important to acknowledge that you do have a choice because framing it as being stuck tends to lead to increasing feelings of powerlessness.

[ccgrrl]

Thanks, Rose888.
You're right. I do have a choice, and I am looking for different choices than what I have.

I don't want to be someone who isn't flexible, especially if it is in the best interest of my children. But I also feel like enough is enough, so you're right, it probably would breed more resentment.

He is moving out tomorrow night and I feel much more comfortable with that now, in fact, I feel like I just want him to get the heck out of our house before I strangle him. (just kidding of course). He's like a child when it comes to keeping track of schedules, money, anything like that and I know he never really developed those skills because he's been with me since he was 19 and I took care of all of that.

I don't want to take care of him now that he has emphatically declared he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me beyond co-parenting. But part of me knows he won't be able to just do this on his own. I'm trying not to get sucked back into being his caretaker now that there is no committed relationship.

I know I need to cut the rope and let him sink or swim. I just feel angry that I am in this situation and that if he sinks, because we're not divorced, he will drag me down, too.

[ccgrrl]

Update - In MC we talked about the way I was feeling taken advantage of and he seemed to get it. When we were home later, he told me he felt like he was having a heart attach - I don't know if that was him starting to regret his choice, or if it was just a fleeting moment. Either way, I think I feel stronger and less scared than him, ironically.

He moved out today while the kids were at school. He's only going a couple of miles away and it's temporary because he's staying in a house that is only available for 4 months, but still, it is a little weird.

I did my first grocery shopping for the week as a 3-person family. My H had all sorts of food issues, so it was so strange to go and be able to buy so many things we haven't eaten in years. There was a novelty to that, but I did feel sad and anxious.

Anyway, he has the kids for the afternoon and then they'll be home. They will sleep over his place for the first time this weekend, so I've arranged to do something fun with a gal pal, but it is going to be extremely odd going to sleep in a house with no other people in it after all these years...

Part of me wants to shove all his stuff in the spare room and redo the whole house, but I am holding back so the kids will not feel like their entire world has shifted the way mine has.

Trying to focus on some work projects I have and getting our tax information ready for the accountant. My IC, whom I dropped already, told me it was good to focus on the things I did have control over, to keep from getting sucked into a never-ending obsession with what I think he should be doing or what I'm afraid will happen, etc. That was the only good advice she gave me, I think. For now, no more IC for me. H says he may be dropping his IC as well. We'll stay with the MC through this 4-month "trial separation," seeing her every 2 weeks until we feel like we don't need to, I guess.

[SBJ]

I am sorry to hear of the move out...I also remember the first night the W was gone. She left on a Saturday. My youngest was out of town and my daughter told my W that she wanted to stay with me that night. The W had to spend her first night in her place by herself. Did it make any difference? No.

They are lost and I don't think they really know what they are looking for. I hope they find it. I desire to continue to grow in my faith and will stand for her as long as God will assist me. He is the only one that can help me stay strong for my kids.

While I have made a few changes around the house...her closet, her night stand, and her side of the dresser all remain empty. Maybe I'm just leaving them open for her to return. Silent hope without any expectations. I am a prayer warrior for my W and pray that she finds her way thru this.

Like I have said before...you are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong tonight. I'm a good Catholic, but I'm not prude...Bourbon helps sometimes, but only in moderation. HAHA!

[peacetoday]

CC

You sound good

I felt sad when MY XH moved out finally after months of crazy MLC behavior

The house was peaceful,,,yes it hurt and was sad but the energy in the house was more positive with him gone

AS time goes on, you can redecorate and make the house new for you and the kids

as for now, it is probably best to let everyone adjust and at the same time, create some new positives for you the kids..activities, friendships, hobbies
I found -they adjust quite well