If she says she still wants out, should I put a stop to the affection?
Why would you want to be affectionate with someone who does not have the desire to return it?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Update: after our chat a couple of days ago, we both agreed that we need to work on ourselves and try to heal from loosing our and other challenges we've had before we can make our marriage work the way it should. We both want it to work, so we aren't going ahead with the divorce. She will still be going interstate to get extra support from her family for a little while and during that time, I'll be trying to get some help as well. The last 3 days have been really good. We've been compassionate and loving with each other. We've been looking out for the other person and supporting each other as best we can. I'm trying to give her as much "her time" as possible and she's doing the same for me. She is struggling with the kids, but I've been trying to get home earlier from work to take over from her and she'll go off for a bit to recharge. Our youngest one is still not sleeping through the night and we found a service where a trained sleep consultant will spend 2 nights with us toq help get our youngest into a better sleep routine. My wife is so excited about the potential of more sleep.
I know it's been good for the last few days, but I also know we have a long road to travel and it won't be quick.
One thing that's really helped me is to let go of all of my expectations. I think I've had a lot of expectations of my wife, and it's been totally unfair on her. All it's done is made me angry when they weren't met while causing her stress and tension between us. She's commented tonight that I seem more relaxed and grounded.
The affection is still there, but it feels different now. It doesn't feel like an obligation.
You're getting mixed messages because, at best, she's confused herself. At worst, she's being manipulative.
Why do you want to leave the house? You mean for a couple hours, or move out?
Just for a few hours to clear my head. I can't think straight. I know if I ask to leave for a few hours, she'll get upset and think that she can't rely on me. She asked me not to work today so I could look after the kids while she did the paperwork for the business.
If she asks you to watch the kids and you need to physically remove from your situation, just say "I'm taking the kids out for..." choose your adventure...go to a park, a playground, the movies, anything...you both get much needed space and you get some bonding time with the kids.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Update: after our chat a couple of days ago, we both agreed that we need to work on ourselves and try to heal from loosing our and other challenges we've had before we can make our marriage work the way it should. We both want it to work, so we aren't going ahead with the divorce.
Let's focus on you. What are you going to do to work on yourself?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I hope you both can get help and she can get rested. Sleep deprivation can have bad side effects.
At least she is not talking divorce, at the moment....right? Maybe you will be able to relax your nerves a bit.
Sam, how long has it been since just the two of you were able to get away for a weekend? She might not be comfortable leaving the children in the care of someone else, but she seems so physically frazzled that it must affect her emotions and thought pattern.
I think I have asked once before, but is she a SAHM?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Update: after our chat a couple of days ago, we both agreed that we need to work on ourselves and try to heal from loosing our and other challenges we've had before we can make our marriage work the way it should. We both want it to work, so we aren't going ahead with the divorce.
Let's focus on you. What are you going to do to work on yourself?
I'll start by going back mto martial arts training. I stopped going because of the time the classes were on. They were on when the kids needed to be fed and bathed. I'll find another place with times that are more suitable.
I hope you both can get help and she can get rested. Sleep deprivation can have bad side effects.
At least she is not talking divorce, at the moment....right? Maybe you will be able to relax your nerves a bit.
Sam, how long has it been since just the two of you were able to get away for a weekend? She might not be comfortable leaving the children in the care of someone else, but she seems so physically frazzled that it must affect her emotions and thought pattern.
I think I have asked once before, but is she a SAHM?
I hope we can both get some rest as well. I know she'll cope better if she's had a decent night's rest.
No divorce talk. Just talking about working on ourselves and looking at other stresses in our lives and how we can alleviate them.
We haven't been away together (just her and I) for years. I think after loosing our son, she doesnt want to be away from the kids for too long.
Yep, she is a SAHM, but she does work at our florist 1 day a week. That's just to get her out to have other adult interaction and conversations rather than being a mother all the time.
Hi sandi2, Doing sort of ok. Things have been better between us, but she is still going interstate in about 10 days time. We've both agreed that we need to work on ourselves before we can make our marriage work, so we've been mindful of the other person and trying to help each other out as much as possible. This week has been hard as the kids have been sick and haven't been sleeping well. I've organised a night nannie to spend some time with us to help us get our 11 month old into some sort of sleeping patterns. Self settling and the sorts. It's helped, but it takes a couple of weeks for it to really work. I'm still concerned that when she goes interstate and spends time with her family, alot of the blame and issues will be towards me, rather than the real issues like the loss of our son, my wife's struggles with the kids , the post traumatic stress. I'm also worried that when our little one starts sleeping through the night and my wife gets some decent sleep and feels better, that she may think she's feeling better cause she's away from me. Then again, maybe she will be. Her family have no idea of her stresses other than the stuff I've told them. They're a bit airy fairy and like to think everything should be perfect and there shouldn't be struggles in a marriage. so I think they'll try to convince her that she'll be happier by ending the marriage And that a marriage shouldn't be that hard.
Marriage is hard work and throw in the type of stress and loss and hardships that you and your wife have had to face these past years makes it even harder. It might not be you or your marriage that your wife is upset over, but her life in general.
Most of the posters on this board have spouses that were cheating, abusing drugs, or alcohol, gambling issues etc. Not all of our perspectives or experiences will necessarily apply to you or situation.
Your wife is not one of these cheating, lying, abusive spouses. She is a spouse in need of support, affection, love, and loyalty. She is a spouse that (like you) has had to endure the greatest suffering one could possibly endure and is having trouble coping.
Have you tried one of the DB counselors? I found mine helpful and feel that had I used mine earlier in our situation our marriage could have been saved. Much of her advise was actually not what was recommended by many posters on these boards. She recommended cultivating a friendship instead of going dark.
