Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[Chris73]

I've spent a lot of time on this board looking for sympathy and advice as a man who has been cheated on and betrayed. I've done a lot of wife bashing and presenting my case for why I'm in the right and now doing the noble thing to save my relationship and keep my family together.

But in an effort to get more in touch with the complexity of my situation and see things from my W's point of view, I wrote the following essay (on my phone, on the train this morning on the way to work), and wanted to share it with you all.

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The argument for my W as the the one who was betrayed.

This isn't an essay about what my W did wrong. It's only about what I did wrong.

I didn't have a physical or emotional relationship with someone else. I had a physical and emotional relationship with myself.

I wasn't abusive. I was supportive. I was a good father. But I wasn't a good husband.

I neglected the relationship, assuming that it would always be there. I never nurtured it. I was always attached to my former life of "being able to do whatever I want." A life that shifted into high gear when I turned 30 and had my own apartment. But frankly it was a life that I had led to a certain extent since I was born.

From 2008 to 2016

Once the kids were born, I focused on the time each day when I would get my life back for a few hours before I was too tired. Sometimes I would wish/hope that I could stay awake longer than my W so that I could sneak down to the basement to play video games, work on my website, watch movies or watch porn. I never devoted any energy to our relationship unless it suited me. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries... I made them about me, instead of us or (god forbid), her!

When I wasn't focused inward and self-absorbed, I focused my energy on the kids, choosing to put the marriage on pause in favor or the more pressing responsibilities of raising our kids. In the back of my mind I assumed that my W felt the same way and that we would "pick up where we left off once the kids were bit more self-sufficient." But this was an incorrect assumption.

Our relationship drifted apart and we lost all emotional connection. As terrible as this was on it's own, it got worse because along with my self absorption came a general disinterest in doing anything more than the bare minimum around the house to get by. My W became mother to a third child and took on all the "executive" responsibilities our our family. I was a willing employee "most" of the time but even when I was, I adopted an attitude of resentment when there was extra work around the house that was left for me. "I go to work all day to financially support this family," was my argument.

My family, particularly my mother, reinforced this position, which made it all the more justifiable.

Meanwhile, my W was dealing with more and more stress. Taking care of two kids with someone else's mother interfering. Running a business. Dealing with mother who was dying. And I was there for her physically... I was always home, never out late with friends. Never cheating. Never abusive or bad tempered. But I wasn't "there" for her emotionally. She battled through most of the stress alone. She had lost touch with most of her old friends by now and craved company and social situations. Something that I wanted no part of, and I never made the effort to change my position on this for her sake.

When we did get involved in social situations, my attitude was always a crap shoot. More often than not my W had to make concessions for me by socializing exclusively with me, deciding to leave the gathering early, or just opting out of going entirely.

Meanwhile, if the social situation revolved around my side of the family, I was Mr. social. And we spent many Sundays at my mom's pool with me doing nothing and my W doing everything to take care of dinner plans and getting the kids ready for bed before we left to go home.

My W's mom died in 2013. And along with the loss of her mother came the loss of her connection to the rest of her family. Just like me, they all focused inward and as much as my W tried to take over the role of keeping the family together, most of her efforts failed.

Two years after the death of her mother. Depression set in. Our relationship hadn't changed. I hadn't changed. And my W started to look at her life in terms of what was missing and how she wasn't getting any younger. She found an urgency for needing to be happy and emotionally connected to someone or something. And despite my behavior up until that point, she tried even harder to connect with me. But it didn't work. I was still set in my ways:

Self absorbed
Socially introverted
Shirking responsibility

I took on the role of roommate/brother/3rd child. This was not the type of person she wanted to connect to. So she regressed, and discovered unresolved love with someone from her past. They began talking as friends but inevitably because of their past the relationship this evolved into something more.

This was the point when my W was throwing the most obvious signals at me and I still wasn't responding. So she gave up and gave in to her desires. As much as my W's value system advised her against betraying our marriage, in her mind I had already betrayed the marriage long ago.

What happened next and since is well documented.

And now that I'm FINALLY starting to make positive/lasting changes that I feel are genuine, I'm resentful that my W isn't responding. Meanwhile, why SHOULD she respond? It has taken 8 years, the deterioration of our relationship and the threat of divorce for me to finally wake up to these problems.

So whenever I wonder:

Why she's acting the way she is now?
Why is she being so stubborn?
Why won't she soften her heart to the idea of a reconciliation?
Why is she being so cruel and heartless?

I need to read this again and remember that her selfishness really only started a few months ago compared to the 8 years that I assumed that role.

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[Gordie]

Chris73,

Wow, brave, humble, honest! I've thought many of these things, but haven't had the discipline to write them down. Step 1 of every 12 step program is admitting you have a problem. I congratulate you. You are inspiring to me. You are a real...Superman!

So, assume you didn't see things this way before BD, right? You thought everything was fine? Since you've gained this perspective, how many of these thoughts have you ever shared with your W (not saying that you should or shouldn't have)? If you haven't, when, if ever, is it appropriate to share them?

[Chris73]

Thanks Gordie!

I can't say that I didn't acknowledge that there was a problem before the BD but I certainly didn't realize how bad it was. In fact, we were on an upturn about a month before the BD. I was really starting to listen and taking stock in what my W was complaining about.

But then I discovered her A and the bottom dropped out of everything. I'm convinced that she would have kept the affair quiet if I hadn't discovered it on my own. I really don't know where we'd be right now if I hadn't discovered it. Maybe better, but maybe not. For me I think it took something as drastic as an affair and the threat of divorce for me to REALLY make changes.

My W and I have discussed a few of these but not to the extent that this essay describes. Right now the two of us are in a very low-conflict state which is mostly due to the fact that I've put all the R problems aside and have just focused on trying to reconnect with her.

But one day soon I hope to sit down with her and share these details. I'm also trying to keep a running list of the specific instances when I exhibited these behaviors. At the moment I have 8 of them listed, but I'm sure I can come up with another 20 easily!

[JRuss]

I don't know. Introspection is good, taking accountability is good, making changes that need to be made because you don't want to be the person you were, also good.

But at least 2 other men? We're not talking moral equivalency here, not by a long shot. She isn't a long-suffering WAW at this point; she crossed into WW territory some time ago and still lives there, and I just don't think you can mea culpa her back into your marriage at this point. Those rules of Sandi's -- that's where you want to be looking, I think.

[PsySara]

A lot of your post really resonated with me. My WH checked out after desperately trying to get sex/physical affection with me. I was so tired after a long day at work and then handling the bulk of the child care evenings. I still wrestle with my resentment occasionally but overall I have set our R aside and like you, focusing on rebuilding our connection. It seems to be working.

[Chris73]

But at least 2 other men? We're not talking moral equivalency here, not by a long shot. She isn't a long-suffering WAW at this point; she crossed into WW territory some time ago and still lives there, and I just don't think you can mea culpa her back into your marriage at this point. Those rules of Sandi's -- that's where you want to be looking, I think.

Valid points JRuss. And the purpose of my post was certainly not to give my W a pass. It was really just an exercise that I used on Tuesday when I was feeling overly resentful. To try to look at things from her point of view because I felt like I was spending too much energy on my "holier than thou" attitude. After 45 minutes of non-stop journalling I read what I wrote and found it very helpful in softening my heart a little. So I thought sharing it here would help validate my feelings a bit more and possibly help those on the board who might be feeling the same way.

For me the idea of "lovingly detaching" means that I have to find a way to get rid of the resentful and all the other negative thoughts about my sitch that are pre-occupying my mind. These thoughts become obsessive and ruin my mood, which in turn affects my outward behavior. When these obsessive thoughts take over I find that there's no room for anything else.

So I continue to work on coping mechanisms to defuse these obsessive negative thoughts. There's really no way that I can make any GAL progress if I'm constantly hung up on, "where is she? what is she doing? who is she with? what is she thinking?"

I am still very guarded about if/how the relationship is going to be reconciled, but make no mistake, I am still fully committed to making it happen. I've done a lot of of wrestling with my ego, motivations, desires, and values over the past few weeks and I've come to the conclusion that the damage I've endured by my W's recent (and ongoing) behavior has not (yet) reached "deal breaker" status.

I have analyzed all of the logistical, financial, and emotional effects of dissolving my marriage and I want no part of it. It goes against my core principles. I will not help to facilitate a divorce in any way. It only takes one person to get a divorce, and that person won't be me.

On the subject of OM, my philosophy is this: Either she telling the truth (and there are no OM) or she's lying. Either way it's good for me because any relationship that is built on a foundation of lies and deception will never last. The minute she starts to try to legitimize an affair with me is when we'll have a problem.

Obviously this is personal decision that won't resonate with everyone and some of you might consider me a sucker or a doormat. And that's totally ok. I respect everyone's opinion on the board because the bottom line is that we're all here to try to help each other.

If the past 10 months have taught me anything it's that I don't need my W to be happy and I'm very excited about the GAL progress that I have made recently. But the reality is that I love my W very much, I want to stay married to her, and I want to keep my family intact.

A very wise person advised me that, "If you get to the point when you think you're DONE and ready to walk away... give it another year. Spend that year doing everything you can to improve yourself, fix your issues, and reconnect with your wife. Make it your top priority. When things seem hopeless remind yourself that you're not just doing this for your current relationship but for the next one as well."

[Chris73]

Today was a good day.

Everyone was home because of the snow. Believe it or not, with nothing to do and nowhere to go in the morning, my W and I actually sat on the couch and talked for a good hour. Nothing about the R or the logistics of who will be home and who won't. Instead we talked about the state of the country and politics. And I was relieved that despite all the other things that have changed in my W over the past year, we still agree on politics!

Tuesdays and Thursdays are normally her days to work late. Over the past 2 months that we've been "separated," (I've now decided to put that term in quotes because she's the only one describing our situation that way) she usually finishes up work around 8pm but doesn't ever show up back at our house until close to midnight. She did that just 2 days ago. But tonight she came home right after work and spent some time trying to fix the pinched nerve in my neck (she's a massage therapist, btw). I was very happy that she agreed to do this since it requires her to touch me voluntarily. I realize the touching is somewhat clinical, but if she is truly turned off by me (as she's claimed in the recent past) she would have never volunteered to do this for me.

Next week we swapped our days because she's going out Monday night to paint night and does not have to work late on Tuesday (which just happens to be Valentines day). I've been encouraging her to start going back to the paint night because 1) none of her "girls gone wild" friends will go 2) there's no alcohol 3) it brings her joy and makes her feel closer to her mom (who died 3 years ago). All good things!

But the interesting thing is that even though I'm "supposed" to stay out late on Tuesday she told me that she'd be making dinner and invited me to come home early to join her and the kids. I will definitely NOT be making a big deal about Valentines day. Just cards from the kids.

These small accomplishments are keeping me motivated so I'll take them wherever I can get them. I just have to keep reminding myself that the immediate goal is for us to reconnect and create an environment of low-conflict in our house. Sometimes I want to speed things up and try to push the R into something more, but I know now (because I've tried this and failed too many times) that this won't work.

I read a quote the other day that said, "You can't talk your way out of a situation that you behaved yourself into."

Man does that describe ME to a T!

[Gordie]

Sounds like a great day and a great PMA. I'm glad your W talked to you and didn't think you had cooties today. Remember to keep your expectations at zero.

[Chris73]

Can't think of anything more depressing than picking out Valentine's Day cards for my W from the kids and passing over all the ones that would no longer be appropriate from me. Just one year later...

[Gordie]

I was thinking the same thing...then it struck me she had this plotted last V day too...I just didn't know it yet...so sad...I feel like a sucker...