Advice needed

[Rose888]

Sam, it's clear from the additional details that you shared that you are dealing with a lot yourself, and you are doing a lot right.

One thing you don't seem to understand is that your wife probably needs breaks often and regularly. You mention that breaks don't seem to help for long. It's like eating. It's not a once-in-a-while thing. I'm thinking time alone a couple of times a week, or an hour every night. Something she can count on.

Even for people who aren't grieving and don't have PPD, the toddler years can be rough.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and get you guys through the next few years.

[Sam22]

You're right rose. It does need to be a regular thing. I'm thinking of going home today after work and telling W that as soon as I get home from work in the future, she has to go and have at least an hour to herself, regardless of what's going on with the kids. I want to tell her that I don't want to leave and that I don't expect her spend time or effort on working on our marriage as she has other things to work on that are more important and that I'm not going to give up on us No matter how long it takes or how hard it is, I'm going to help her with her healing process.

[JujuB]

(((Sam22)))

I always say that a nanny or housekeeper after my son was born would have saved our marriage. I was awful post partum. I really really resented my husband at that time. I think there was little he could do because I was just so hormonal.
Just keep being understanding and forgiving and empathetic. Get the right marriage counseling. Dont give up. Dont give in to resentment. The above advice is spot on. It will get better.

My brother and his wife went through a similar situation as you almost 4 years ago. They each mourned in their own way and it certainly was/is not easy. My nephew was absolutely beautiful and I think about him all the time. Your donation to the hospital with the sale of flowers is incredible.

Best of luck in getting through these painful times. You both sound like wonderful people and parents.

J.

[Sam22]

Thanks jujub.

We did have a nanny for about 2 months come every day to help out, but it started getting really expensive. It was costing us over $700 a week. My wife decided to stop using her as she felt she was getting better with handling 2 young children. I'm also trying to find a way where I can leave my day job so I can be home with her and the kids. I've built an app that I'm launching shortly which I'm hoping will replace my wage so I can support her at home, or at least get the nanny back for a couple of days a week. It's taken me about 6 months to build it, so hopefully it's worth it. I rarely let that time take away from helping my wife. I would normally get into work at 4am to work on it before I started my day job or work on it while working at the florist shop, or I would work on it after she went to bed. I tried to make sure that whenever I worked on it, it wouldn't impact my wife or add extra pressure on her.

[Sotto]

A couple of things you may want to think about Sam in terms of resources. People seem to find the Retrouvaille workshops really helpful and also you may want to have a look at the His Needs Her Needs book to really understand what needs we hope to have met in a marriage or relationship.

Remember that marriage is about both your needs and managing to convey what those are and ask what you need to do. Don't assume you know what your W needs at this point - ask her what she feels is the way forward and what she needs.

Just in terms of the website and your regular job. I would urge caution there and make sure you don't make an already stressful situation more so by the loss of regular earnings. Also, are you burning yourself out a little there? You can't be all things to all people you know?

Can I also ask - honestly, what unmet needs (which lead to resentment) do you think you have within the marriage?

[sandi2]

She doesn't lash out at the kids, but I've gotten home a couple of times and there have been holes in the walls as she's punched the walls or she's thrown or damaged furniture.

Anyone else know about her punching holes in the walls and throwing/damaging furniture?

[Dawgs]

I always say that a nanny or housekeeper after my son was born would have saved our marriage

I can't wrap my head around this one.

[Rose888]

I always say that a nanny or housekeeper after my son was born would have saved our marriage

I can't wrap my head around this one.

What confuses you about it? It makes perfect sense to me.

[Sam22]

She doesn't lash out at the kids, but I've gotten home a couple of times and there have been holes in the walls as she's punched the walls or she's thrown or damaged furniture.

Anyone else know about her punching holes in the walls and throwing/damaging furniture?

I've spoken to her brother a couple of times as I know she needs help, professional help rather than the spiritual helpers she prefers to see, but she feels strongly about the spiritual helpers and can't connect with someone in the medical world. Ive told him I need help in trying to help my w, but nothing really happens. They'll call her once to talk and that's as far as it goes. She is against medication.

[Dawgs]

Let me ask this - saying that a housekeep/nanny could have saved a marriage is suggesting that deeper things lie. It's like putting a band aid on a hole in a dam when there are cracks all over.