Im after some advise from the community on my situation.
My wife and I have been together for about 7 years and today I told her I wanted to leave the relationship. Now I know that might sound weird as I'm coming here for advice, but the truth is that I don't want to leave.
We've had a pretty rough run of things over the last few years.
About 4 years ago, my wife and I lost our son soon after he was born. He was 11 days old when he passed away. He suffered severe brain damage due to lack of oxygen during the labour. We decided we wanted to have another baby, and we did, but we found out a few days after he was born that he had down syndrome. We've been lucky as he's healthy and there aren't any complications, but it has added another level of stress on our relationship. He'll be 3 in april. We've had another child who will be 1 in March and she doesn't have down syndrome.
As you can appreciate, our relationship has had alot of stresses over the years and I think we've struggled to deal with them and haven't focussed any attention on our relationship. Things have been getting worse between us and 2 days ago, my wife said she needed some time to figure out if she had the energy to work on our marriage, but she was leaning towards ending it as she couldn't see how we could make it work. This didn't come as a suprise as I know we've had issues.
When talking to her today, she said she doesn't know how or if we can fix things or if she has what it takes to try to because she doesn't have the energy. We've tried before, but in bursts and not consistently.
I do love her and I want to take some of the weight off her shoulders, so I said I was going to leave. I told her my reasons, in that I'm doing this because I love her. She asked me if I wanted to sit with it for a little, but I said no. This was really hard for me as I don't want it to end, but I want her to be happy and she hasn't been for a long time. Neither of us have been.
I left work early today to talk to her about the seperation. We both cried alot and held each other alot. It's actually the most love we've shared with each other for a long time. She said she loves me and is disappointed it's ended like this. She said it's not fair cause we're both good people. Even tonight, we've laid together on the couch and hugged and kissed alot and cried. She even kissed me goodnight and sat on my lap while we hugged.
I'm very confused cause she accepted my decision and has already told her family, but she has been more affectionate with me than ever before (well, since we started having issues). It's been the most affection we've shared in years. She wants to take the kids interstate where her family is for a month or so to get their support which I've agreed to. Part of me is hoping that the time away will make her want to try properly.
There has been no cheating involved or anything sinister, although she did say that she's realised she been verbally abusive towards me lately and she hates that's she's been like that. She said I don't deserve it.
She's also still suffering from post traumatic stress from loosing our son, something she didn't share with me until recently. I feel like a bad husband cause I should of known this and helped her. She is a very sensitive person and normally very loving which I think is making it harder for her to deal with loosing our son. Dealing ( or getting over as some people say it) with loosing our son is probably the wrong way to say it as I know I'll never get over that loss, but maybe struggling at dealing with it better.
Have I made a mistake by saying I'm leaving? She's been really upset and alot more loving towards me, but has also accepted my decision. I just really want to make sure that she is happy (and she's currently not by any stretch of the imagination) and to look after her, which is why I said I am leaving. That saying of "if you truely love someone you'll set them free and if they come back it was meant to be" is my reason for leaving. I told her this when I said I was leaving.
She said I had balls for doing that (excuse the language), but I do hope she comes back and gives us a chance at really making it work. She is a beautiful soul who's been through alot in her life including having an abusive father and seeing her mother and grandmother being abused by their husbands. I walked into our room last night and she became immediately scared as she thought I was going to hurt her. Not because of me personally as I've never abused her, but because of what her father and grandfather did to their wives during their marriage and after their divorce. The first week of our honeymoon was stressful for her as her mother told her that the first time she was physically abused by her husband was on their honeymoon. My wife was worried that I would turn into that person.
We do love each alot and shes told me that a few times today, but maybe sometimes love isn't enough :-(
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Why didn't you try marriage counseling prior to making a decision to separate? If neither of you are cheating, then it seems like an ideal situation to enlist a good marriage counselor.
Leaving your grieving wife to deal alone with a toddler with developmental delays and a baby is being loving how?
This is taking weight off her shoulders how?
Is she even able to sleep through the night, or are the kids waking her up?
I would have considered this a horrible betrayal.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Hi doodler, We have tried seeing a marriage counselor, but we only saw her about 3 timess, but didn't feel that it helped much. There are alot of built up frustrations for both of us because of everything we've been through. The sessions didn't seem to be helping.
Rose, I understand why it might look that way, but I made the decision as she was telling me that she didn't have the strength to work on our marriage. When we spoke last, I told her that I would always be there for her and the kids and I still want to look after them. We're even considering still living in the same house so I can keep helping. The weight I'm trying to take off her shoulders is about having to put in extra effort into our marriage so she can focus on herself and I can still be there to support her and the kids financially and emotionally. If we agree, I'll still be going home to help out each night, plus with the kids waking up in the night. I do this now andd don't want to change that. I want to be involved in raising them.
***My wife and I have been together for about 7 years and today I told her I wanted to leave the relationship. Now I know that might sound weird as I'm coming here for advice, but the truth is that I don't want to leave.***
So did you lie to your wife or tell her the truth? You told her you want to leave...but you are telling us you don't want to leave.
***We've had a pretty rough run of things over the last few years.***
This is an understatement. Losing one child, having another with a disability, and then yet another...all in a very short period of time. Three pregnancies with all healthy children is taxing...your situation is off the charts taxing.
***As you can appreciate, our relationship has had alot of stresses over the years and I think we've struggled to deal with them and haven't focussed any attention on our relationship. Things have been getting worse between us and 2 days ago, my wife said she needed some time to figure out if she had the energy to work on our marriage, but she was leaning towards ending it as she couldn't see how we could make it work. This didn't come as a suprise as I know we've had issues.***
So how did you respond two days ago?
***I do love her and I want to take some of the weight off her shoulders, so I said I was going to leave.***
What Rose said...how does leaving take the weight off her shoulders? This seems like another weight ON HER SHOULDERS.
***I told her my reasons, in that I'm doing this because I love her. She asked me if I wanted to sit with it for a little, but I said no.***
Why did you say no? This is a major, life-changing decision.
***This was really hard for me as I don't want it to end, but I want her to be happy and she hasn't been for a long time. Neither of us have been.***
And how will separating make her happy?
***I left work early today to talk to her about the seperation. We both cried alot and held each other alot. It's actually the most love we've shared with each other for a long time. She said she loves me and is disappointed it's ended like this. She said it's not fair cause we're both good people. Even tonight, we've laid together on the couch and hugged and kissed alot and cried. She even kissed me goodnight and sat on my lap while we hugged.***
So you still love each other and can be physically affectionate?
***I'm very confused cause she accepted my decision and has already told her family, but she has been more affectionate with me than ever before (well, since we started having issues). It's been the most affection we've shared in years.***
So you haven't been physically affectionate in years?
***She wants to take the kids interstate where her family is for a month or so to get their support which I've agreed to. Part of me is hoping that the time away will make her want to try properly.***
Do you want to be an involved father?
***There has been no cheating involved or anything sinister, although she did say that she's realised she been verbally abusive towards me lately and she hates that's she's been like that. She said I don't deserve it.***
Is that why you are separating? Because she has been verbally abusive towards you?
***She's also still suffering from post traumatic stress from loosing our son, something she didn't share with me until recently. I feel like a bad husband cause I should of known this and helped her. She is a very sensitive person and normally very loving which I think is making it harder for her to deal with loosing our son. Dealing (or getting over as some people say it) with loosing our son is probably the wrong way to say it as I know I'll never get over that loss, but maybe struggling at dealing with it better.***
How have you grieved? How has she grieved? Have either of you had any counseling?
***Have I made a mistake by saying I'm leaving?***
If you feel you may have made a mistake, you need to tell your W ASAP!
***She's been really upset and alot more loving towards me, but has also accepted my decision.***
If she is really upset and crying and affectionate (actions), this means more than saying she has accepted it (words).
***I just really want to make sure that she is happy (and she's currently not by any stretch of the imagination) and to look after her, which is why I said I am leaving.***
How can you look after her if you are abandoning her and the children?
***That saying of "if you truely love someone you'll set them free and if they come back it was meant to be" is my reason for leaving. I told her this when I said I was leaving.***
From what are you setting her free? Is your marriage a prison--emotionally?
***She said I had balls for doing that (excuse the language), but I do hope she comes back and gives us a chance at really making it work.***
What do you want her to do/say more than she already has? Do you want her to beg, beg, beg you to stay and work on the M?
***She is a beautiful soul who's been through alot in her life including having an abusive father and seeing her mother and grandmother being abused by their husbands. I walked into our room last night and she became immediately scared as she thought I was going to hurt her. Not because of me personally as I've never abused her, but because of what her father and grandfather did to their wives during their marriage and after their divorce. The first week of our honeymoon was stressful for her as her mother told her that the first time she was physically abused by her husband was on their honeymoon. My wife was worried that I would turn into that person.***
This is yet another difficulty to deal with and it sounds like she hasn't individually and you haven't as a couple.
***We do love each alot and shes told me that a few times today, but maybe sometimes love isn't enough :-( ***
It sounds like she hasn't given up on the M, but you have...if you haven't...then think you should reconsider your separation decision.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm sorry for the difficult time your family has had Sam. And I agree with others that separating may feel like it would make things easier. But in practical and emotional terms it is likely to make things much more difficult for you both and for your family.
From all that you post it sounds as though you and your W still have love for each other. I would encourage you to see this crisis as a 'breaking point' in that things have to change - but not at 'breaking point' (or end) of the marriage.
I would dig as deep as you can and be as honest with your W as you can about how you truly feel and what you truly want. I would also encourage you both to see a good marriage counsellor (Google Gottman) and receive some supportive input to help you get your marriage back on a better path. You may also want to consider IC for one or both of you to work on healing past painful experiences too.
Best of luck with whatever you decide Sam
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm so sorry for the passing of your baby son and the situation you are currently in.
You mentioned that you went to MC three times and that it wasn't helpful. Not all MC are created equal. I'm happy to send you a link to one of Michele's videos regarding this topic. Please email me directly and I'll send it to you at no charge.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! Getting clarity on your goals is the best place to start. Speaking with a DB Coach would be enormously helpful at this time.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Life can be so unfair to couples/families. I am so very sorry you and your wife have suffered with these losses and disappointments. How soon did she become pregnant after losing the baby boy?
Did either of you attend grief counseling or parent groups? The emotional toll on your W has been great. The depression had to have sapped her emotional and physical energy, and then having two more children so close together (and one with special needs).....I can see why there wasn't a lot left at the end of the day to give to the MR.
Does she work outside of home and raising a family? Does she have emotional support from family & friends? Did you give her support when you would come home from work?
I feel that with sufficient therapy (for the abuse she witnessed, and for her loss, and for being a mother with a special needs child, and for issues in the MR)....plus group support from other parents with special needs children, it could make a healthier change in her and in the MR. Meeting with a group of parents supporting each other is amazing. I use to take part in such a group of mothers....and I'll tell anyone that I have the utmost respect for these parents.
Anyway, back to your M problems......I have a close family member who was asked by his W to leave. As they talked to their kids, she sat in his lap and appeared very sweet & loving....considering they were separating. Come to find out, it was her way of putting closure on their XX years together, and "showing the kids everything was still good between them"......(?) Blows your mind, doesn't it? Well, I hope this is not the case with your W, but please don't misread her show of affection. She may tell you she loves you, but still press for a separation. Some of that may be her emotional release, as strange as it may sound to you.
If separation comes, why stay in the house and continue doing the same thing? I mean, what's the point of having a separation if you aren't going to put space between you? You are quick to say how you will be there every night to help out, etc., but have you considered that she may not wish to have you there every night? I'm just trying to figure out the point to what you are planning.
I wonder if you thought you were doing what she wanted, but after seeing her affectionate response....you are regretting it. I don't think she had a change of heart....but I think she could.
Tell us more about her verbal abuse toward you. Did she do this with the kids, too? Any other behavior traits that was not like the girl you married?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
