Help! My W intends to file for D in 30 days

[CDL4]

Thank you for all the replies to my post.

I have taken a hard look at myself and I am ready to change.

There are 2 pieces of advice that struck me.
"I'd start with working on being a great Dad. Not just pretty good, but awesome Dad."

"Making yourself into a person that only a fool would leave."

Any advice on how to do either of these changes would be appreciated.
Thank you!
Clarence

[CDL4]

I'm sorry you're here CDL4. We all feel your pain.

Gump is right on. Make that list, decide what you can and are willing to change. Time to do those 180's. Figure out short term changes. What can you do in the next couple of weeks?

Then work on long term goals. Make sure these are changes you want to make not only for your WAW but things you will be happy with. Ultimately you want to make yourself better for you, so you want to be happy with the end result.

Sorry for the delayed response. I talked to one of the DB counselors and I am practicing detachment and trying to do a 180.
I am on new medication which is helping with my depression.
I have not argued with my W since I originally posted. I have had good visits with my son. What are some suggested short term and long term goals?

I think if I can learn to be a better father, which I want to do, then that might help my marriage too.

[CDL4]

Does anyone know Michele's latest thoughts on the Last Resort Technique? Or where I can find them

My W told me she is going to file for D in March. I am feeling very scared and desperate. We have been separated almost 6 months but I thought things were getting better the last 4 weeks. I did a 180 on almost everything and we have been getting along. I avoided talking about our relationship and I have concentrated on being a better father to 2.5 year old son.

It seemed like things were getting better to me. I was wrong. She told a friend that she was convinced that I was not going to change and today she made it clear to me, via email, that she intends to file for D after we go to mediation to work out custody issues for our son.

I have done a 180. I am abiding by her rules of communication. I try to avoid asking her about anything that would be personal and just keep our conversations focused on our son or non sensitive matters. It does not seem like anything is working.

Any advice would be very welcome. She is definitely a WAW and I want to save our marriage if possible.

[Mach1]

Staying Solution Focused Workshop section

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Labeled LRT

Originally posted by a moderator named JamesJohn

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=42377#Post42377

[MoveFrwd]

Does anyone know Michele's latest thoughts on the Last Resort Technique? Or where I can find them

My W told me she is going to file for D in March. I am feeling very scared and desperate. We have been separated almost 6 months but I thought things were getting better the last 4 weeks. I did a 180 on almost everything and we have been getting along. I avoided talking about our relationship and I have concentrated on being a better father to 2.5 year old son.

It seemed like things were getting better to me. I was wrong. She told a friend that she was convinced that I was not going to change and today she made it clear to me, via email, that she intends to file for D after we go to mediation to work out custody issues for our son.

I have done a 180. I am abiding by her rules of communication. I try to avoid asking her about anything that would be personal and just keep our conversations focused on our son or non sensitive matters. It does not seem like anything is working.

Any advice would be very welcome. She is definitely a WAW and I want to save our marriage if possible.

You say 'nothing is working'.

I say you were married 6 years and youve changed your approach for only 3 weeks. Which source of information do you think your W is going to believe?

Continue focusing on you and being an awesome dad. Make your actions consistent.

[CDL4]

Thank you! This is helpful. Someone told me that Michele had some new thoughts on the Last Resort Technique. Does anyone have a link to those those?
Thanks again!

[Bdog37]

I have done a 180. I am abiding by her rules of communication. I try to avoid asking her about anything that would be personal and just keep our conversations focused on our son or non sensitive matters. It does not seem like anything is working.

Hello CDL4,
Sorry that you find yourself here. Many of us are in your same shoes when it comes to a WAS. I have been practicing "going dark" for quite some time now. Although I do not see any improvements on how my WAW treats me it has helped me to detach and GAL. IMO this is very important process for me. By going out and GAL I have learned not to focus my attention on my W and solely focus it on myself and my children. My WAW has already filed for D and met another man, but I am more confident in myself now then I was 2 months ago because I stay focused on my goals of bettering myself. I still have a long court battle ahead of me, but I know things will work out in the end. You should also detach and not worry about if these methods are working on her or not. These methods are for you and will help prepare yourself for either your WAW wanting to come back and work on the MR or not. Disconnect and don't contact her unless if it is about logistics for the child. Let her contact you first and when she does always be the one to politely end the conversation. GAL! Go out and do the things that you've always wanted to do. Learn a new hobby, reconnect with old friends, exercise, etc, etc, when you are not with your son. Say busy with things that will help you not focus so much on your M and she will either take notice or she won't. This is your time now so use it wisely my friend.

[CDL4]

Thank you very much for the advice.

[CDL4]

Today my wife told me that she stopped wearing her wedding band a few weeks ago because she didn't want anyone to ask questions at her new job. I was caught off guard and crushed. We don't live together and I had not noticed until today.

I have been wearing my wedding band even though we are separated because I thought it was the honest thing to do even though she is determined to divorce me soon.

I didn't get mad. I was just shocked and sad and left her house, our former home, quickly.

Any advice would be welcome.

[Dawgs]

Today my wife told me that she stopped wearing her wedding band a few weeks ago because she didn't want anyone to ask questions at her new job. I was caught off guard and crushed. We don't live together and I had not noticed until today.

That's typical. Mine took hers off on the day of BD. I find the statement odd about anyone asking questions at her new job. But it is what it is - when they take it off, they are pretty much done at that point.

I have been wearing my wedding band even though we are separated because I thought it was the honest thing to do even though she is determined to divorce me soon.

That's fairly normal for us left-behinds. I stopped wearing mine when I realized that she didn't give a damn one way or another.