A WW? (7)

[lt0402]

Thanks FG! i appreciate you my friend and the kind words are exactly what I needed. I really found some solace by gaining a better understanding of compassion, both for my W and myself. AndrewP awhile ago really helped me see the compassion part in regards to my W. That helped immensely to get past the anger of the PA.

On my W being lost, i hadn't really thought down that path yet FG. That's interesting and could very well be what's driving her anxiety right now. It'd also explain why she's so intertwined with my D. Ive asked her to take a look at going back to work. Maybe if she does that she can start to figure out which way is north on her compass. Maybe not. We will see. My IC continues to think W was using PA as a way to force the dissolution of the M in her mind. He thinks that's why she's stopped levering it (I think) after I showed her I would fight it. The lost part could very well be where she is now. Thanks FG, going to give that one more thought.

One other thing I've been thinking of today. W has said multiple times that I need to discuss things with her. She says that she knows she has a poor attitude and is difficult to talk to. But she says I still need to talk to her. I find myself today wondering if she's offering me a solution to breaking her silence. I wonder if that's the answer. Standing in front of her and forcing dialogue from her. Breaking the cycle of avoidance forcefully for both of us. Knowing that she will fight and ignore and be mean but still standing my ground and forcing the dialogue. I wonder if consistency there would give her comfort in some wierd way. Show her that things are different and I won't give up. Not sure, but that's been bouncing in my brain today.

Quick journaling then bed. Up early and hung out with D from 7-930. Breakfast then D and I played until 1230. Went for a run then played with D and her friend for a bit. Left them with W and I went to the gym. Been having shoulder issues with the working out so I met with a personal trainer today to tweak my routine. Learned a bunch and am feeling good about it. Came home and hung out with D until another friend came over for a sleepover. Went and got them pizza. Played with hem for a bit bt spent a few hours finalizing travel details for Ds and my trip in the spring.

Some friends talked me into doing a Tough Mudder 10 miler in June. Going to start training for that on Monday. It'll be good to have a goal to work towards. Excited about that. W pretty much ignored me all day. Not out of the norm. Didn't keep me from speaking to her and being pleasant. Did find out that W didn't go to the women's march bc she was tired of the bickering amongst her friends over the hotel accomodations. D told me that today.

Need to plug into some other people's situations here. It's interesting to see a whole new cycle of folks around as our friends from the summer become less frequent visitors. There's solace in being able to help others as they go through what we suffered 6 months ago. Need to do a better job of helping where I can. Feel like I'm slacking in that respect. Thank you all for your help over the past six months!

[SBJ]

LT...I have also agreed to doing a Tough Mudder. Mine is in Dallas in October I think. What training plan are you following. I had been running and lifting regular up until November...when she moved out. I am slowly getting back into it.

Where is your Mudder?

[lt0402]

Hey SBJ, that's awesome man. Seems like a good event. Mine is in Virginia. Saw the training plans they have online and I'm debating if I want to do one of those or come up with my own. I've been running and lifting pretty consistently since BD but it seems like this'll require something a bit more focused. I do have some friends who've done it before so I'll probably bug them on Monday. Will let you know what they say.

Regardless, should be a painful few months. Looking forward to it!

[lt0402]

Quick journaling. No gym today. Bleh. Spent the morning with D and W being lazy and then I took D to do laser tag for the first time. Had a blast! She is a hell of a shot, unsure where she got that from! After that I took her to the pet store so we could see the animals, which she loves to do. W had planned to get D a cat (IC thinks as a replacement for me) when we were working through the S docs. Now we are all planning to get a cat in the summer when D starts to wean off some of her allergy stuff. Not a cat person, but D loves animals and it will be good for her.

Got home and W got mad bc she believes I told D she could get an allergy test in May that'd help determine if we can get a cat. Says I wasn't listening at the doctor on Wednesday and hen W stormed off.

What I told D was that with the meds starting to be paired back when school ended in May, the doc sounded like we could do the allergy test shortly thereafter. Of course W stormed off before I could respond and truthfully I don't know that I owe her that explanation anyway.

Did a pillow fort with my D after dinner and we played scientist and Pokemon, a favorite in our household. A game D and I made up that we do every time there's a pillow fort involved. W always goes upstairs bc she can't stand the mess. After that I did Ds meds For the evening.

We have been talking about selling our house and buying another that's in the middle school district that most of Ds friends will be attending. W asked that we give Ds best friends mom who is a realtor a chance to sell the house. No issues with that. I know W is going to lunch with her this week. So I ask W if she could talk to her about setting up a meeting to talk about selling and buying a house. W says "what do you think this lunch is for" in a resentful huff. I pause and tell W that id like to be involved in the discussion around it. W then says "I'm not going to involve you in a lunch with my friend (not really friends) where we are not even going to talk about it". i was slightly taken aback as that's not what she said, but I told her I'd like to have a sit down meeting with all of us at some point. W said "duh!" And left it at that. Very combative and very unnecessary. Unsure what her deal is now.

Heading to bed now but had a good weekend with D. Tired today and I know I wasn't 100% here but I'll get some sleep and be ready for tomorrow afternoon with D. I stay up as late as the girls do during their sleepover in case they need something. Getting too old. Gym tomorrow morning.

[bigybiz]

We've got to set up a DB Tuff Mudder training group. I'm dying to do it. I was hoping to do it as a team but I could not find anyone to join with me. You guys have given me inspiration to try again. The Toronto area Tuff Mudder is in the fall. Now is as good a time as any to start recruiting.

[hawker]

Sounds like another good weekend with D!! I always wanted to try the Laser light tag but never have....what did you think of the Superbowl teams? I'm rooting for Atlanta...someone different!!! :-)

You have the patience of an angel with your W.... :-)

Just curious doesn't your D like dogs? I used to be a cat person but once I got a dog it totally switched me...now I have 3...hahah

Have a great day!

[Dawgs]

We've got to set up a DB Tuff Mudder training group. I'm dying to do it. I was hoping to do it as a team but I could not find anyone to join with me. You guys have given me inspiration to try again. The Toronto area Tuff Mudder is in the fall. Now is as good a time as any to start recruiting.

I'd be down for that. There is one coming up down here in south GA soon. I may do that one. Did the big bridge run here in DEC.

[cheesyt]

where's the sign up sheet for the DB tough mudder?

[Gordie]

It sounds like your W is a bit lost. Or a lot lost. If she's spending her time exercising and shopping ... that still leaves a lot of time to fritter away. I'm not saying I have some answer. I just think that her not having some direction in life, a sense of control, a sense of power and confidence ... I think it greatly adds to her dissatisfaction with your marriage.

LT,

I agree with ForGump on this one. I may be projecting, but I think a lot of the SAHMs get into this slump/depression/MLC. You say your W's life revolves around your D. Your D is 9, so is becoming more independent of your W and once she hits puberty, she may want nothing to do with your W. So, if that has started to happen, or your W anticipates that happening, she needs to find herself a new identity. You are working for much of the day and she's decided she's not happy with you/your M. Does she know what she wants out of the next 5, 10, 20, 50 years of her life?

I do think it is a positive sign that your W wants you guys to talk to each other more. If it's uncomfortable or awkward right now, maybe you can develop a structure for how you talk to one another.

For example, we are going to talk to each other one-on-one without distractions (D, TV, phone) for 15 minutes a day at 9pm time. H will talk for 5 minutes without interruption and W will listen. Then H will ask W questions for 2 minutes. W will then take her turn. At the end, take one minute to recap the discussion. If you want, you can add a hug/kiss at the beginning and end. Each day, alternate who goes first.

I know this sounds overly structured, but it sometimes helps when communication has broken down.

[Gordie]

Typo:

For example, we are going to talk to each other one-on-one without distractions (D, TV, phone) for 15 minutes a day at 9pm time. H will talk for 5 minutes without interruption and W will listen. Then W will ask H clarifying questions for 2 minutes. W will then take her turn. At the end, take one minute to recap the discussion. If you want, you can add a hug/kiss at the beginning and end. Each day, alternate who goes first.