Your divorced friends are correct and after the separation documents are signed, you (and your wife) are required to have the home appraised for the current value. Generally the cost is split, but in my case, I opted to take on the burden of the cost myself because I didn't want to deal w/the monster that my xh had become. In the end, I did come out much better than most. As you've noted, don't do any repairs or updating until you have that appraisal done and are sure you are going to remain there. The items you mentioned may help keep the appraisal down just a wee bit.
Your w may not even mention anything about the letter. She may just completely ignore it for the time being. Why? Because you really aren't pressuring her to do anything and she's quite comfortable w/how things are playing out right now, i.e., you are still paying for some of her stuff and she knows that you are right where she left you for the time being.
Try to stay focused on you, your kids and your fur babies for now. I know you are frustrated and impatient, but you've got to dig even deeper for patience right now....it will pay off in the end one way or the other. Don't show her your hand of cards any longer. If you need to do something, just do it and let the chips fall where they may. You aren't dealing w/the person you knew...you are dealing w/someone new and this is now a business deal that's gone south.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey there Andrew P! Just wanted to stop by and say "hello."
I am caught up on your posts and just wanted to give you a virtual hug.
I feel you with the social media issue. Whether you block her or not on FB, it sounds like you have given this a lot of thought. Your reasons for and against are sound. If you are going to be the lighthouse, there has to be some way to let them know where they can find it. But if it is going to cause the lighthouse to crumble and fall, perhaps it's best to step back for a moment or two and rethink it.
Standing is hard. It's hard to watch the person we love most in the world lie, cheat, manipulate, and single-handedly bring our world crumbling down.
But you can do this. The fact that you have put together a plan and a back-up plan is awesome. Regardless of what W does or does not do, you so got this.
It showed a man and his cats getting on with life, not doing anything exciting and being a safe and secure lighthouse.
it probably also kept her satisfied that I was right where she left me
Maybe this is part of the problem?
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
The only other social media we are connected on is Facebook. I'm going to keep that for now. Yes - I had a similar addiction earlier but tbh she hardly ever posts anything any more. A huge change from both before BD and from the few months after when she was on top of the world with so many of her "friends" cheering her on while she had the rush of being secretly with OM.
So your justification for not terminating this is that she hardly posts anything? Here's my take - yes, you can get a "read receipt" from FB messenger, but nobody with a smart phone isnt checking it once a day (and that is a ridiculously low number. I would imagine most people have it with them and check it at LEAST hourly (in normal circumstances). So if you send her a text or an email, shes gotten it and is choosing to not read it or read it and not respond to it. I use social media plenty, and Im very glad I unfollowed my ex so I didnt focus on any of things that did or didnt get posted - what, when, how often, etc.
Don't get me wrong, I totally agree that Andrew should unfrend ex on Facebook. However it's a reach to say nobody with a smartphone is not checking every hour. What do you base this on? Your own habits? I can tell you I work in marketing, am very tech savvy, carry my iPhone everywhere and bet I've not been on Facebook since Monday or Tuesday - at least checking anything for me or friends. Not everyone is addicted to their phones or Facebook so it's a reach to assume so. It's also rarely a good idea to claim everybody or nobody or always or never. Just sayin
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I can tell you I work in marketing, am very tech savvy, carry my iPhone everywhere and bet I've not been on Facebook since Monday or Tuesday
Thats not what I meant. Of course, there are many people not on FB/twitter/etc every hour.
AP was saying that he wanted to keep the FB connection because he wanted the read receipts available through FB messenger.
Im just saying that if he sends a text or email to his W and she has a smartphone, shes getting it fairly quickly and then choosing to either ignore it or not respond. The little message that shows the time it was opened/read isnt really all that meaningful, in my opinion.
RIght now I wager whether AP friends or unfriends his W on facebook is the least of his worries. It doesn't matter. I understand why he likes the receipt. The point here, is that AP's W and my H ignore us. Totally. Like do not respond to texts, emails, pleas to please pick up coats, nothing. It is a really bizarre space to live in, I can attest to that. Bank accounts left to sit, no dealings with actual life things-- just gone. I often think this behavior in my situation is very "immature" but is that the right word? It is the only word I can come up with that comes close to someone who has just walked away from a marriage, a union, a family, and will not deal with the pieces they left behind. Because of the level of insanity of being absolutely ignored by someone you love, a little receipt can go a long way. There are times I don't even know if H is alive. I don't know what he does, who he spends time with... nothing. Anyway AP is in the process of legal S, so hence all of this may or may not be moot, a FB messenger method of communication. AP's W might get a L to talk to him. Or herself, who knows. But communication will have to happen because that's our lovely legal system. AP needs some of this paperwork of life resolved (so do I). Hugs, A.P. Someday I'll have to do the same, just hand wrangling on when.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Altair - Thanks for checking on me. You must have had a "feeling".
I'm a bit rough today. Yesterday was pretty bad.
Earlier in the day I had removed the last of the pictures in the house that had STBX in them and cleaned out the "memory" box of all of the cards that she had given me over the years. That was "very" tough. We were so very in love and were for a very very long time. All of the stuff was put into the boxes for her if she wants them. I didn't have the heart to put them into the trash. As I was washing dishes before bed and finishing a bottle of wine one of my favourite songs - Willie Nelson's "Stardust" came on the radio.
Stupidly I then sent STBX a message tagging the song and mentioning that she "stood me up" last night. I had asked her last week to get together - she never called. She responded that she didn't think that I wanted to see her after the events of the past weekend when I ranted at her about seeing OM and still holding everything secret. We had a bit of back and forth and then even more stupidly I called her. We talked for an hour and a half. I was demanding that she tell me if she was never coming back or if she did want to. She refused to answer - not because she didn't want to it seemed but because she couldn't put it into words I think. In a message before I called she said "I am working on a way to tell you, but there is no quick answer" which I think describes what she said on the phone too. I tried to press her on her plans with OM - same sort of inability to speak. I think that this has been a problem for her from even before BD1. She's never been able to tell me that she's gone forever and trust me, I've asked and asked. She did say that she had gotten my email letter and the to-do separation list. She didn't seem to have any objections but she just seemed beaten down. Indications were that she was going through tissues by the box-full on her end of the line.
There's "something" wrong with her. Something very worrying. Well beyond rebellion, poor decisions etc. I do hope that she reaches out to someone for help. I can't help her and she doesn't want me or my help. When she left back in July she seemed depressed but determined. I didn't recognize the woman I talked to last night. It was a more extreme version of the one I saw at the end of November. One who has been crushed under by the weight of the world.
Could it be an act? I suppose so but I doubt it.
I sent her an apology this morning and an offer to talk again. No response.
I also reached out to her brother who is in Florida right now asking that if she doesn't come for her stuff could he please take care of it. I also told him that I've requested STBX to do up the separation paperwork. He's going to call her this weekend.
Today I'm just sitting at my desk pretending to work but really just having thoughts spinning through my head and being completely unmotivated. I still know that I'm doing the right thing by giving up and moving on but boy oh boy do I feel guilty at the moment. This sort of thing is to be expected though I imagine. I'm sure that it will pass.
In 1 week the first set of "to-do's" hits and that is when I disconnect STBX's access to online data files and our books. I gave her to the end of February to get her stuff but did tell BIL that I was flexible if it ended up being him coming to get it.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Oh AP, reading your post made me cry. It's just all so unfair. If STBX is so broken how can she expect to have a healthy relationship with someone else, that's what I don't understand. None of this makes sense.
Don't feel guilty AP, you have stood for your marriage for so long but I think we will all get to that stage where we say enough is enough and you have reached that. You have so much to give and you have come such a long way. We are all here to support you (((AP))).
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
She truly doesn't understand what is going on w/herself. She doesn't know what to tell you about her situation. Demanding that she tell you something isn't going to work. She's in crisis. She's an emotional mess and to be perfectly honest w/you...she can't deal w/everything...why? Because she's in crisis and a complete and utter emotional mess. In her own way, she doesn't want to hurt you, but she is by not giving you the answers that YOU want. The more you push for those answers, the more she's going to distance herself and yes, eventually the divorce will go through. In fact, if you continue to push for answers, you must might not get the answers that you want to hear.
My question to you is this...why are you in such a hurry to push her through her crisis? MLC takes years. If things at home have been going okay, then what is the rush for you? Are you planning to start dating asap? Have you met someone that you want to marry asap? How many times do we have to tell you that she's in crisis and you need to just leave her alone? How many times do we need to tell you to keep the focus on you and your side of the street?
Many of them hook up w/OP. What makes you think your w would be any different than the rest of the yahoos that are in crisis and have OP in the mix? Your expectations of what you think your wife should be doing are very, very high right now..drop that level to zero.
BTW, I don't blame her, I wouldn't have kept the date either after getting the email/text message. If she had kept the "date" w/you, you would have been all over her about what she's going to do, etc. However, I do think she should have at least advised you that she wasn't going to keep the date...but again, like a kid, she knew "daddy" would have jumped right in about what she's doing. Andrew, you aren't dealing w/an adult...you are dealing w/someone who has an adult body, but the mind of a teenager right now.
As for involving others in this situation, I wouldn't have called her brother about her belongings. This situation is entirely between the two of you. As I have pointed out before, pack up the stuff and put it in storage and give her the key and rental fee to deal with or put her stuff in the basement and/or garage where you don't have to look at it each and every day. Her brother talking to her will not do one bit of good, in fact, it might makes things a bit worse because she still doesn't have all of the answers.
Go back and read what MLC is all about and the behaviors that many of them exhibit. Your wife is doing exactly what many of them do, i.e., moved out, living her life for herself and not a care about you, the house, family or pets. She's involved w/OM and has left her belongings in the home. A majority of them do that...and yes, you are correct...it was very stupid of you to contact her, not once, but twice and now you are frustrated even more so. I suggest you duct tape your fingers together and stop texting her...go no contact and stay that way unless there is an emergency.
Get your sh@t together and focus on you and what you need to do to make yourself happy for the time being. If you truly want a divorce, then so be it...but quite frankly, after reading your posting, I don't think you are done. Trim those expectations down to zero and again...leave her alone, i.e., the more you "demand" things of her, the more she's going to pull the other way.
Yes, there is something wrong w/your wife...she's in crisis. There's nothing you can do to help her. People talking to her about the situation will only make it worse. She has to figure things out for herself. Keep the focus on you. Figure out a way to dig deeper for patience.
One last time...keep the focus on you. Do not involve others in your situation. Go no contact and stay no contact, even if you have to duct tape your fingers together...do not text her unless it is an absolute emergency.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
