Walked away due to financial infidelity

[Origina]

The answer to "how?" Would take up another thread for months.
I was so hurt at having to end my marriage and tear apart my family home that t did take years to come to terms with by, none of the healing was helped along by an aggressive ex partner who still would not acknowledge any part of the blame.
Suffice to say, a lot of years, time and tears went into trying to make positive changes to dead marriages. I can only say that I tote my soul out trying to make my marriage work over the years and each time I was knocked back because my ex husband was selfish and happy where he was.
The people we were married to only really cared about themselves and it took us both years to realise that.

Yes I want a quick fix ... in reality who doesn't... but a long term solution.
The problem was my financial infidelity... caused by my inability to approach my current partner because I was bullied financially by my ex husband. It's that simple. Can he ever trust me again and how do I help the situation is my problem now?


Are we only allowed on these boards if we buy books and counselling? I'm not being Saracastic but I am struggling at the moment. Maybe I should priories and buy something.


I asked about the rental not for the money side but for the emotional side. If I go there like he wants does it add to his sense of the rental is ok because I don't want him comfortable there.

[Cadet]

Are we only allowed on these boards if we buy books and counselling? I'm not being Saracastic but I am struggling at the moment. Maybe I should priories and buy something.

You are allowed on the boards without buying anything.

That being said I would suggest you as a minimum read DB/DR.
Have you ever been to a library?

The books are valuable tools,
and well worth the time and effort to read them.

The first chapter was given in my welcome post, free!

[MrBond]

"The answer to "how?" Would take up another thread for months."

Give us just the rough details. The fact is that every marriage after the first one has a higher chance of ending in D basically because the problems from the first were never worked on and just carried onto the other relationships.

"Yes I want a quick fix ... in reality who doesn't... but a long term solution."

Sorry it doesn't work that way. You want a fix that will last, you have to have the patience and be able to put in the work.

"Are we only allowed on these boards if we buy books and counselling? I'm not being Saracastic but I am struggling at the moment. Maybe I should priories and buy something."

No but this is the Divorce Busting website which is based on the principles of Divorce Busting in the book. Everyone here have read it so they understand the context and concepts when we give advice. We are all just ordinary people who help each other BUT we did the work. You have to read the books to understand how the concepts best apply to YOUR situation.

I think the biggest problem that stand out in your situation is that you continuously bash your ex and your current husband's ex as being selfish, yet both of you did things that were incredibly selfish. You with the spending and he with the drinking and not communicating. Plus you keep insisting on wanting a fix NOW. You seem to want to be in control. Forget about blaming your ex for the way you're acting now. That was the past. Right now you are in a new relationship and are acting controlling.

"The problem was my financial infidelity... caused by my inability to approach my current partner because I was bullied financially by my ex husband. It's that simple."

No it's not. REad my comment above. Stop blaming your ex. That has nothing to do with the way you act now. Your ex didn't put a gun to your head and force you to commit financial infidelity. That was YOUR choice.

"Can he ever trust me again and how do I help the situation is my problem now?

Yes he can but only if you're willing to be patient. And again, read the book.
Are we only allowed on these boards if we buy books and counselling? I'm not being Saracastic but I am struggling at the moment. Maybe I should priories and buy something."

[Origina]

Thank you for replying.

I summarise to save time and it's seems heartless some of the comments I write back. Like the summary of my problem. Like the ex bashing.
I totally agree I didn't get forced to take out the loan and we have problems communicating. I don't blame my ex for my problem but I do have problems associated with my the way my ex behaved.

I totally sunk myself into my marriage- for me it was the only relationship that I would ever have ever again. We were both totally faithful. I made sure he had a comfortable life and we had fun etc etc. He changed when we had kids. We both will have done. I became a stay at home mum but I made sure I trested him like a king because I didn't want him to feel left out etc. But he continued to change and became all controlling. I had no wage and I trusted him with money and to look after us (as I would have him if the tables were turned) and he used to give me an allowance to buy food but nothing for myself. I didn't resent it because I knew I was privileged having become a full time mum. I could have treats if we went shopping together so it was all ok. But over the years he got worse. I tried staying in love with him. I tried talking to him about it in different ways or in different scenarios but he became increasingly angry and used to pin me to the sofa or throw glasses at me in front of the toddlers. This was when I knew it had gone too far. I Carriedon talking and trying to change myself. He wasn't interested. He selfishness was probably typified in one example (of many) when - and I'm afraid it is a money example- he bought new alloy wheels for his car (luxury purchase) and I had one pair of winter boots with a hole in and it was winter and my feet were getting wet. I'd mentioned it and said I'll put up with them til the weekend but we really need to buy me some new boots. Then I couldn't have them because of the alloys. He had a problematic childhood- his mother left him with his dad then she ran off with another man and became a good mum to his step sister but not him. I was always mindful of this and made sure I showered him with attention as well as the kids. I used to make sure his time off work wasn't littered with jobs so that he could enjoy his time off. I tired to be s good wife and encourage his hobbies, support him in work (I used to help him out with paperwork to lighten his load etc) I wasn't allowed out or if I did go out I was timed. He disliked all my friends to alienate me from them and made them feel unwelcome. I'm not saying I was perfect but I tried damn hard. And tried for a long time. And tried in different ways. He was totally not interested in doing anything other than what he wanted, when he wanted and how he wanted. I lost all equality in our marriage when I became a stay at home mum. He had a very rose tinted over confident view of himself (but when you're happy it just seems part of who they are) so he really didn't think he had changed, didn't think he was selfish. There are so many examples of him being selfish and controlling it hurts to write them down a bit because I feel stupid putting up with it for so long.

My local library doesn't have the book.

[Origina]

I know the quick fix won't happen but it's hurting me and I'm trying not to act in a way that will damage what we have.

Currently as of yesterday he has everything in his rental to make it a home. So this is when reality kicks in- will he want to spend time with me or in his rental???
He's still got a lot of sorting out to do in terms of tidying up.

He's chased me to the stage where he feels comfortable I will wait for him to make his mind up.
He's planned a couple of nights out with me and night away at a favourite city.

I'm not sure what to do.
While he was chasing he it didn't matter what else was happening in his life he tried to be here with me.
He has his children 3 nights a week. Up til now he's only slept at his rental with them once a week, once a week they've slept here and seen my kids, and once a week they've slept at his mums so he could come up here.
He also works on call every 5 days/nights and that's never bothered him much but he used that as an excuse to sleep at his last night.
We've said no excuses needed but because while he chased me he wanted To spend every minute he could here I know feel distraught he isn't doing the same.
I've turned into chasing him I think and I know I shouldn't be.
The playing field has changed and I don't know what to do.

[Origina]

To summarise his ex- he never thought he could have kids because if childhood csncer and to cut a long story short they had twins by donor sperm. It was a tense and tryibg time for them. But she behaved like she'd got the latest craze in pets, got bored of them (when they interrupted her sleep) and then lost interest in them. No she wasn't depressed. This is an illustration of how she behaved in general. She only cared for herself and how she felt. Everyone else was just an accessory to her. She built up big debts funding a lavish lifestyle she couldn't afford and my current partner says being 8 years younger than her and wanting an easy life he used to agree to her demands after a while because otherwise she'd make his life hell. Whilst with her an average day consisted of getting up at 430 to see yo twins (he was also the one who got up in the night) taking them yo his mums 20 miles away, going to work for 12 hour shift, puckingvreins up taking Hoffman home 20 miles away and spending time with them. 2 times a week he went rugby training as he was semi pro still and it was so extra income. His wife only worked part time but would not have anything to do with running the twins about.
Again this is only a summary of her selfishness.

[Origina]

Yesterday I actually helped him move s sofa into his new house

Him
Game over done enough messing about today, bath time for this hairy poorly fingered puppy
Thanks for ya help today x
Me
No problem - wasn't too hard physically, just emotionally
Just putting girls to bed early- big day for them tomorrow
Him
Yep big and long day for them.
Do you feel abit better emotionally, than earlier??? (He asked thus knowing it could open a can of worms...makes me think he wanted to come to mine)
Me
It's weird. I felt ok, then felt rubbish, then felt ok- now being here looking at an empty space where spare sofa was I feel like we're totally over then I keep trying to convince myself of possibilities (don't usually tell him all this...)
I want a cuddle from someone who's not here and I can't ask for one either
And I can't moan because you're the one I hurt.
Daren't ask how you feel?

Him
Not sure at min obviously still angry!!! hence the shout earlier ☹️☹️☹️
Don't want to do it, just can't help it sometimes.
Yep I'm in bath and I wish I was not in this 1, but hopefully time will tell and my anger may go and I start and worry about us again rather than what you could do to me next, that's my battle I think. Does that make sense?????(major opening up for him)
Me
Yes I have to accept it don't I
I've never done anything to you before and this has been about money and I feel so ashamed you think I could do anything else but that's position I've put us in
God I wish you wanted to hug me today
I felt like your mate today

Him
I insisted on food or I wouldn't have even had that time. (He wanted lunch afterwards)
Yes I missed a hug opportunity too, I don't lay in bath thinking of my mates tho, but I do you
(This is where I should have stopped)
Me
But there's not enough in you today to come hug me and I hate that.
I'm sorry about the food I thought it was just a 'thank you' payment for lifting furntiure which is why I refused at first
I hate what's happened and can't change but i can just try to mend it I suppose by doing my payments.
Him
Tired today boss
I'll come up for a hug but I'm stopping
Me
Now I feel bad again. Wasnt forcing or asking you anything
I just want you to want to-
that's all at the moment - I can't ask for more and I feel like that's asking a lot anyway- too much probably
Him
Yes I do want to, and I will come up, but when I've dried I'm off to sleep, so last chance .. I will come up and it's not anything to do with you forcing???
Me
I'll unlock the door then
Him
Ha haa you still can't say it, but I think I've got the answer (I think he just wanted me to say all along - come up)

Thin he sent me a screen shot of his phone because every time he plugs it in it shows - HOME 18 mins (etc)
It's s sat nav notification showing his long it will take to get here to my house

[Cadet]

My local library doesn't have the book.

Did you ask them to order it from another library?

Inter library loans.

[Origina]

I've bought it now. The first time I searched I must have given Ina dodgy website or something as the book I've bought from the website I used is a 'normal' price.

[Origina]

I'd read a lot if the links in your first post but must have missed the DB book chapter one.