Walked away due to financial infidelity

[Origina]

Hi everyone

I'll try a timeline to clarify stuff

Married to other people for 12/14yrs respectively - 2 kids each to our exes- his are twins. so although 4 years together makes us newbies this time round we do have experience of long term) we've spent so much time together unlike our previous marriages compared with our old marriages we feel like we've been together and known each other longer than just 4 years

Both of us left our exes due to them being emotional abuse and selfish - we'd both fallen out of love with our exes but stayed with them about 2/4 years longer than we should -so definitely no affair

We've had normal ups and downs assosictaed with getting divorced to selfish people and with having children- some downs have been awful but we've got through it stronger To further complicate matters his ex had serious money problems and his children with her are through sperm donor as he had cancer as a teenager.

We decided to emigrate to Australia in about jan last year.


In April he had a possible offer of emplyment- but needed to fly to aus in about June
End of April i couldn't get her money I'd put away in long term saving account so took out a credit card with him knowing to buy flights to aus -I think was my main purpose.
The Aus employment offer didn't work out and I continued spending money on the card (I'd left a job I loved in Dec and started one that I hated and I was so depressed about it too)
We each have our own bank accounts mainly because of our selfish ex partners but discussed money fairly openly (til I took the card out)
Around June He wanted to marry and we booked the holiday wedding for September. I took out a loan in joint names in secret to cover my card problem til my money came
In July he found out about the loan
It's emotionally killed him because I've always been so good with money previously and the ex wife money problem
He struggles to talk about serious matters- always has- so he turned to getting drunk then exploding at me for Aug/sept/oct
This came to a head end of oct and we decided to separate because he said he felt hollow inside toward wme etc and with the way he's been towards me I resigned myself to it.
Mid Nov was my eldest daughter's bday then we made excuses that it was going to be xmas and to keep it together for the kids til after xmas ... I secretly hoped it would give us time to work it out but it made the atmosphere worse
Mid Nov he rented a house
Then he stayed out two days drinking and I said enough is enough and kicked him out mid December
Now I've always been the one to talk and sort problems- his style is to keep stuff inside and explode then try to run from the problem then talk.
So this is me doing a 180- I kick him out- he's shocked beyond belief because I think he thought he could rent this house get some headspace and if he still wanted me after all the dust settled I'd take him back. But now I've changed the game.
That happened on a thurs/fri and in the Saturday I agreed to talk to him for an hour sat eve when all the kids were with the exes and I'd secretly arranged a f@@k buddy (however badly I regret that decision it was made to make sure I never went back to him because after wax with someone else we would definitely be done)
So we talk and I drink a bit of red wine because I'm nervous- we start getting close and having a laugh and it feels like befor wour problem
We talk more and I tell him how done I am and let slip about the f buddy after this talk is done
He changes his complete attitude because I think he realises he's lost me now- which yes is crazy because he didn't want me or so he said

Ultimately I think he has always wanted me but can't cope with his feelings of betrayal over the money and as soon as he thought he'd lost me he began chasing me

The biggest purchase of spending money on him would not have happened if he'd known where the money was coming from. I ended up spending the money unwisely and basically frittering it all away. Approx $15,000. So it is a massive amount he can't cope with. It's incredibly irresponsible of me and I can't ehvw it now that I've done it. Thankfully I have a saving account that when it comes to fruition will pay it all off but that's my savings gone and I have nothing to show for it. He feels like it's his fault now, like he wasn't enough for me, like he's let me down somehow tthat why I've done it. I've explained that it the case at all.

Over the three weeks surrounding xmas he's been (mostly) pursuing me. I've been trying to take each day as it comes.

Last Monday /ties he found out about the credit card.... he's shatterecwmtiknally again and says we're done for good now. Then by the end of the night he's changing his mind. He even changed his mind about cancelling a day trip we had planned

On Sunday we and Went on the day trip got drunk didn't argue and had a fab time.
We didn't have sex- despite me shuttering on about sex slit - we don't have sexy every single time we're together. Then last night we had sex three times. It's always been great sex.

He spent the last three hours of the day trip tipsy and opening up (he's always found it easier to talk when tipsy) telling me how much he loves me, how he hopes we'll work it out, how he needs his house for headspace, how he hopes we'll sort it enough to still go to Aus (later than planned) maybe in Jan 2018, how he loves everything about us he's just is struggling to forgive me. I could cope with this but he's continuing to feather his nest in his rental. My good friend who knows us well and the situation thinks it's his safe place and he needs it finished band comfortable (e.g. Yesterday he arranged a tv internet package) becaus we've said to my friend he's telling me one thing but continuing to do another.


This is her reply to me when I put that to her----- everything you've said to me leads me to believe he truly loves you and can't let go and that house gives him mental security. He's spent a lot of time with you even though he has the house. Which only goes to show he wants to be near you. Yes he finds it hard at times but that's because he's in love but angry xx

While out on the day trip his brother in law called me a name on Facebook (bloody Facebook) his brother in law has no reason to dislike me but is a keyboard warrior --- now my partner has gone mad and made him take it off. He's actually started defending me against negative stuff from his side. Naturally they're protective over him.


He's not distant from me (like he was in he autumn) and spends time stroking me and smiling at me etc He's offered to 'babysit' my children one night week so I can finish my course. Our kids had a set of bunk beds each and now he's taken one he's offered to buy the girls new beds.

Since mid Dec he's spent 4 nights away from me in his rental house and 3 nights of those were because he had his twins - we've even had sleep overs at my house with all the kids

He's. Just realised it's my closest friends birthday on Friday and my kids are with their dad so I will be going out to celebrate with her and the instant he realised he's asked where I'm going etc (not even attempting to play it cool)

[Origina]

The finding out not being told (or even asked in the first place) really bothers him about all this.
So I know some of you think there's more to this than a money but isn't that enough for some peoples relationship to go off the rails- he also feels betrayed and lied to, his trust in me is damaged.

One of our big hurdles will be that he's told his family everything and families naturally take sides- then they given him money to set up this rental - so like he says if it works out between us then he's going to upset some people. He hasn't told them how he feels about me now- or not yet- he says he's doing it to protect himself in a way- they're not daft- they know he's been spending some time with me (he's told them that) and now he's defending me against one of their comments so without him expressly saying they're aware of some stuff --- he said while tipsy in or day trip he said sorting it out with me is more important than upsetting his family.

He's been doing goofy stuff like in our dating days - like just staring at me and tracing my profile with his finger

[Cadet]

he also feels betrayed and lied to, his trust in me is damaged.

And what about your trust for him?

[MrBond]

But you two were seeing each other while married, correct? Did the two of you find out you were both married to 'selfish' people while talking to each other? Did the two of you seriously tried to work on your prior marriages before divorcing and continuing your relationship with each other? Be honest here because it is important.

[Origina]

We were not having an affair
We've never had an affair
We separated from our exes because we didn't love them
And met each other randomly in a pub some months later

[Origina]

I didn't know my current partner at all while I was married and there was a clear break

[Origina]

Additionally, we both tried working on our previous marriages while we were married (and not having affairs)
We both tried working on them for too long without anything back from our exes because they both didn't see anything wrong in their behaviours. We both fell out of love with our exes. And left them.

[Origina]

My partner left his ex wife in April 2012 and I left my ex husband in June 2012z
We met each other at the very end of Augusta 2012 having never seen each other before

[Origina]

I'm not sure how I feel about trust.

I should have been able to to trust him to discuss financials with him and not get a loan out with him knowing etc.

This is a problem I suppose I have because of my ex husband and his ways

Same as my current partner has issues about his ex wife

We've talked today and said we need to find better ways to communicate

[Cadet]

What about his drinking in regards to you trusting him?

I got the feeling that is why you kicked him out.