where to begin or end? #2

[coffee_]

Feeling a little hopeless after this christmas. Kids tell me wife and OM are moving to a new place on thursday,, not that i should care. But here i am wondering why after what my wife has done, she gets her wish of happiness... Gets what she wants. While im trying to do what i can and being alone in the process..

It is hard. My STBXW is not revealing her OM or has stopped seeing him that way, not really sure. I absolutely dread the day that I see them together, or see her with another man period. When I see her she is happy and bubbly and it tears me up, especially when it is a down day for me. It just goes to show you that happiness is the best revenge, so make it your goal to be happy, or just act happy when you see or hear from her.

[jade]

Yeah. Today marks 5months since i was last intimate. Quite an acheivement for me, since i have a high sex drive. The loneliness seems unbearable at times. I feel like nothing will ever improve. Its been about two months of DBing and being mostly dark, while trying to be superdad. Not sure if i need to rattle the cage or try something different.
I thank you all for your input, i wish i felt like i had wisdom to contribute to your stitches, i just feel so lost, how can i help you all if i cant help myself..

[jade]

So new years! This weekend right?! Perfect opportunity to GAL, expand friend circle, and let it be known! Except none of my friends are available and skiing plans with new friend fell through. So now im staring down the barrel of a lonely new years as my kids are with wife next 3 days. Certainly feels like the powers at be, want to eliminate my GAL options. I break, a win, i need something to go my way!

[jade]

So i reread through sandis LBH thread. And i wonder what else my wife could possibly lose or give up to help her see through the fog. She lost her job, ruined her options in her career feild, wont be keeping the home, even though we have a 50/50 custody, she barely gets anytime with our daughter but sees son most every morning, i only discuss kids schedule with her via text. So, she got a menards job, moved out, eventually with him, now his marital home has sold, and she has been having him stay with her at her parents house with kids, until his apartment is ready.. her family wont enforce any boundries with her and basically enable the affair. All the while she keeps saying shes gonna file but hasnt yet! What good does creating a void do if him and her family are willing to accomodate her every whim.

Any suggestions on what else one could lose in life? I feel like shes more than fine with losing everything so long as she has him to cling to.

I feel like my only option left is to try and take kids from her and OM through divirce. But i know thatll alienate her whole family against me, and society is so sexist regarding men fighting for full custody and will try to say im using the kids to hurt her, when we know many women do just that.

[coffee_]

It's hard to say what makes some people happy. Maybe she sees all this as a new beginning, a new start.
Divorce will just naturally change your relationship with your X inlaws, but I wouldn't recommend trying for full custody out of spite. I hear ya man, I have though of every vindictive thing i could do to her to get back at her or to get the fog to lift.
I finally let go and GAL, if she comes back she will if not who cares. My new life is being a good dad, working hard, making new friends and doing things that I have always wanted to do because of the nature of compromise in a marriage. I don't regret not doing those things (during the marriage) because I was being a good husband/mate, but now I have time to do those things. For instance we never traveled unless it was to see family. Well now I get to travel. I am planning on something big this year as well as just mini vacations close to home.

[jade]

My thoughts on fighting for full custody stem from my kids not needing OM in their lives, and feeling what is best for them by removing them from my wifes adulterous behavior. Im sure some of it is amplified by spite. Idk. Im not sure how to word or enforce my desire for the kids to not be around OM and the affair until something is more legal.

GALing and making new friends is proving more difficult than one fantasizes. Very few peers are in a place to be available to going out, they all have their own busy lives and families.

My daughter commented that OM hopes to meet me one day... Im not sure how i intend to deal with that if the day comes. I hope it never does. If i unlock my anger, he may end up vegetative! If i avoid confrontation or walk away, that seems like rolling over on my back! Any successful DB'rs have wise thoughts?

[coffee_]

My thoughts on fighting for full custody stem from my kids not needing OM in their lives, and feeling what is best for them by removing them from my wifes adulterous behavior. Im sure some of it is amplified by spite. Idk. Im not sure how to word or enforce my desire for the kids to not be around OM and the affair until something is more legal.

GALing and making new friends is proving more difficult than one fantasizes. Very few peers are in a place to be available to going out, they all have their own busy lives and families.

My daughter commented that OM hopes to meet me one day... Im not sure how i intend to deal with that if the day comes. I hope it never does. If i unlock my anger, he may end up vegetative! If i avoid confrontation or walk away, that seems like rolling over on my back! Any successful DB'rs have wise thoughts?

I struggle with this too. I really don't want to see her with the OM or any other man for that matter, it will hurt. I have been separated for 7 months and out of the house for 5 months and all I can say is that thought drifts further away from me. I too thing that at a minimum if I see one of the guys she had an A with I will punch them as hard as I can in the nose. I live in a relatively small town (25k people) so running into them is pretty likely. I have been kind of being a hermit these past 5 months, not going out unless I have to. However I have been traveling to another close by town and spending time with a girl that I have met. It has helped me. Divorce is messed up, a skewed reality, kids will meet new people from both sides eventually. Do you have any divorced friends that have remarried? I have spent time with my good friend and their blended family. They have gotten along nicely and are successful and happy. It is kind of good to see that it can be done. [censored] that your kids will be spending time with the OM but they do need their mother.

I also get that its hard to GAl with friends, they all have stuff going on especially with the holidays just getting over. I managed to scrape by but spent some time alone for sure. During my alone time I did things that I never had time to do when I was active in the MR. For instance I started sketching again. I have also looked into a local community wood shop where people gather and share ideas. I have lost that outlet since I left my marital home, no more shop. It is funky because when I was married I loved my alone time but now all I want to do is spend time with people. But as time goes on I remember that I need my alone time to make things, draw things or tinker in the shop on things. I think GAL doesn't have to involve other people, what are some things that you sacrificed doing while meeting your obligations as a Husband and father? You need to start doing those, it won't come natural but once your start you'll start to enjoy it I promise.

[jade]

I have no divorced, even just single/kid free friends. Being 30 and semi single is weird. Nearly everyone has younger kids to keep them busy. It would be nice to have a companion at times, a positive distraction from this purgatory, just someone to share my new experiences with, or a simple neck rub when its kinked, oh the little things. Just making new friends seems difficult. Im not a very socially outgoing person.

I think maybe MIL is finally tired of my wifes actions, we had a long discussion about how im trying to do whats best for the kids and setting good examples, and MIL boundries with wife. If what she says is true, MIL put her foot down on my wife leaving kids alone with OM on the nights she has them and works. This may act as a 2x4 or just speed up my wife filing for D. I also finally closed the joint checking account, now have to decide how to inform wife and that she needs to change some of the last autopays or give me the logins to.

[coffee_]

I have no divorced, even just single/kid free friends. Being 30 and semi single is weird. Nearly everyone has younger kids to keep them busy. It would be nice to have a companion at times, a positive distraction from this purgatory, just someone to share my new experiences with, or a simple neck rub when its kinked, oh the little things. Just making new friends seems difficult. Im not a very socially outgoing person.

I think maybe MIL is finally tired of my wifes actions, we had a long discussion about how im trying to do whats best for the kids and setting good examples, and MIL boundries with wife. If what she says is true, MIL put her foot down on my wife leaving kids alone with OM on the nights she has them and works. This may act as a 2x4 or just speed up my wife filing for D. I also finally closed the joint checking account, now have to decide how to inform wife and that she needs to change some of the last autopays or give me the logins to.

Send a text that says "I closed the joint account, please make sure the bills that use autopay are corrected accordingly"

Its all business now man. She will try to drag you in emotionally, there will likely be backlash. Just don't bite that hook. All I can say is take the high road but take no cr@p. The view is much nicer up there. If the bills that you are referencing are joint, then you don't need the logins you can just call them and arrange for another method of payment over the phone. It will take a bit more effort, but it can be done. If the bills are hers, then she will find out that they weren't autopaid and will have to deal with them as she sees fit.
GAL is a hard thing to do for sure. I get that you need a companion, we are human. It is a mindset thing too, make up your mind to meet new people and do new things or things that you have been wanting to do...and do it!

[jade]

A bit of journaling now. This sunday my mother watched kids while i worked, they baked cookies and were packing some to go take home for us, when one of my kids added "and OM name?" My mom kinda went off saying that she did not like him. Then eventually asked if wifes parents liked OM? To which my kids replied with "they dont think so." Good news for me because ive often felt that inlaws have been playing me a little at times. Because i hear that, they talk with me alot about the situation, but then, MIL is helping W build a pintrest bunkbed for OM apartment...

My lawyer has the seperation/divorce papers ready. I havent decided if or when i might file, but they are ready and hes gonna sit on them for now.

It is getting harder and harder to want to stay true to the marriage, im partly excited or looking forward to being completly single, but acting right now still feels as though id be cheating. I still want to spend the rest of mt life with my wife, i had that her new memories arent ones we share, or that id even want to hear about post possible reconciliation.
I also have trouble with GALing, mainly trying to start new and build new life and friendships. or revert, by picking up where i left off 12 years ago and reconnect and get back to my roots...