My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment

[Vapo]

One of the major points is that I believe firmly that you cannot nice your W back.

The W is riding high on infatuation hormones and clearly sees her husband as an obstacle to her happiness. Now the W is pleasant when the things are going her way, when the H is giving her all that she wants, the space, the time to chase the illicit affair and she is happiest is she can get the poor schmuck to pay for it as well (phone, insurance,...). So she has the appearance of being a good wife on one side and the LOVE addiction riding high on the other side. Her only aim is to end the marriage and live the love that she is convinced by now, she was robbed of. She is clearly delusional, but she will only come to realize that months or years from now (if at all).

The H giving in to all her demands will only make him look pathetic in her eyes. She could not possibly respect such a wuss. So if he gives in to her demands he will look pathetic in her eyes and a wuss, and if he stands his ground, she will be pissed at him. But the seed of respect will be planted...

[ForGump]

Vapo-- I welcome this contrasting point of view. I think it's important for us to think about it, and decide which applies in our particular situation.

I would love to see you go 12-rounds with MWD's DB coaches on this issue.

[mvgfwd2]

If there is an OM in the mix the soft approach is less likely to achieve much. So you need to confirm if there really is an OM.

[Gordie]

Maybe your coach is trying to get you to #3? Where are you on this spectrum?

1 - I am not comfortable in your physical presence

2 - I am comfortable in your physical presence, but your physical touch repels me

3 - I am comfortable with your platonic physical touch (what you might do with a friend or a relative)

4 - I am comfortable with your non-sexual physical touch (a kiss on the cheek, a hug, a snuggle, a back massage)

5 - I am comfortable with everything but sex

6 - What are you waiting for? Let's get it on!

Yes, right around #2 Gordie...

So if you got to #3 that would be progress, right? It doesn't have to be the end destination.

[Gordie]

Gordie, love your theory. Thanks.

One Q though: in real life ... do potential lovers really go through steps 1-2-3 then 4? Don't we kind of go from 1 straight to 4? In other words, isn't path 1-2-3 a divergent path from 1-2-4?

I think 1 and 2 are penalty boxes.

I think most potential lovers start at 3 or 4 and progress.

[Chris73]

Maybe your coach is trying to get you to #3? Where are you on this spectrum?

1 - I am not comfortable in your physical presence

2 - I am comfortable in your physical presence, but your physical touch repels me

3 - I am comfortable with your platonic physical touch (what you might do with a friend or a relative)

4 - I am comfortable with your non-sexual physical touch (a kiss on the cheek, a hug, a snuggle, a back massage)

5 - I am comfortable with everything but sex

6 - What are you waiting for? Let's get it on!

Yes, right around #2 Gordie...

So if you got to #3 that would be progress, right? It doesn't have to be the end destination.

Yes, very much progress at this point. I'd love to be at #3.

[BillyHo]

Hey Chris, I'm glad you at least have a game plan now. I think as you implement your strategy you will feel much more at ease. I may be wrong but I don't think you are very comfortable with the tough love strategy. Just remember that lovingly detaching doesn't mean being a doormat. You still need to set boundaries in some instances. Don't forget you are setting boundaries to protect yourself not to punish your W. If you're not comfortable sharing the MBR with her then make yourself your own MBR even better than hers. Hang in there buddy. Things will get better for you.

[BillyHo]

One more thing. Make sure you are being consistent in your actions. If you go back and forth with your approach she will not respond well at all. She needs to believe your actions and trust that your changes are genuine.

[Chris73]

Came home tonight after a satisfying workout at the gym. Put the kids to bed and then sat down with my W to finalize the Disney itinerary.

I know this will make some of the board members wince (and I probably shouldn't continue calling what I'm doing the Great Sandi2 experiment), but in accordance with the advice given to me by my DB phone coach I got my W's attention and sat her down to apologize for the fight we had last night. I told her that the rage I saw in her eyes when I told her that I would not compromise was something that I never wanted to be responsible for again. And that if our primary goal right now is to ensure that our eventual divorce has the least impact on our kids we need to nurture whatever friendship remains between us and be kind to each other.

I didn't ask for a response nor did I sit around to wait for one. And I have to say that this felt good for me. It's certainly not the tough love approach that some of you are advocating and I respect that. But I think this works better for me right now.

And here's the most peculiar thing. Once that discussion was over and we sat down to discuss the Disney itinerary, I started to really pay attention to the things my W was saying and how she was acting. We were working together to discuss the plans and debating the pros and cons for some of the details.

And for the very first time I started thinking about how I might NOT want to try to save my marriage. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the way my W used to be. But it was clear through our interaction tonight that she's really changed, and not for the better. The selfishness that she disguises as her "new wide-awake self" is starting to show its true colors. She talks a good game, but I'm really starting to see that she's not thinking clearly. I also think that she drinks too much.

This gave me some clarity and might possibly have been a moment when I detached a bit further. Her unhealthy mental state and her traumatic childhood thrives on drama and conflict and I don't think she can ever be in a healthy relationship until she resolves these problems. For the longest time I thought that I would be able to help her with this, but I'm starting to realize that I can't. This is her road to travel and the best I can do is stand on the sidelines and cheer for her.

Thinking about my sitch in this way brings me a sense of peace that I haven't felt in quite a while.

[Chris73]

Got an email this morning from Amazon confirming the purchase of the book "Am I in the Wrong Marriage?"

Like everything else in a marriage, our Amazon account is shared. We have Prime.

Not really sure how to feel about this one. W has sworn up and down over the past month that she's done. So either she's still on the fence and wants to see if this book helps push her to one side or the other. Or she will just cherry pick the sections of the book that appeal to her wayward state of mind and use them as reassurance.

Either way, it's not for me to be concerned with. I forwarded the email from Amazon to her with the message, "Hi. I'd like to request that we set a healthy boundary where you and I have separate Amazon accounts. I think it would help us maintain some privacy. Thanks."

Baby steps...