one more thing- It's possible your "i am done' letter did not have any R stuff in it; then, in that case stay the course of working on financial stuff. I've been thinking about this for months now, and DB books/stuff doesn't really get into the $$ in a way that is detailed or helpful. And advice from lawyers, well, that hasn't been fun either. I wish there was some good advice I could find specifically regarding financial matters when one is in limbo, and could be a dangerous Standing decision. And then things vary by state and country, legally!
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Sorry to disappoint everyone. The letter was sent via email before I wrote here.
It does appear as if it was a knee-jerk reaction and perhaps it was. But this has been building and building for months. I am indeed done. People here have talked me back from the edge more than once but I have now gone out and am on the river striking out for the opposite shore. This is not about getting her back now. It's about getting her gone. As I wrote before I tend to make decisions by letting things stir and spin and then come together into a decision. I am comfortable with this choice. It is emotionally freeing and "feels right" - it's the choice that I've been avoiding for some time that has been forming inside me.
I did also contact the kids but just told them that I had reluctantly requested that their mother initiate a formal separation. No response from S22 - none expected. That's just the way he is. Supportive comments from D24.
job - Yes indeed I do expect both a bumpy ride and her to avoid doing anything. I hope to be able to rely on your advice and that of others as I hit the bumps and obstacles. This plan hasn't come out of nowhere. It's been working in my mind and I've been doing planning and research since March 10th. I'm just putting it into place now. The things that matter (financial, possessions, security etc) are all in my hands. The things that realistically matter less (separation agreement) are in her's. I tell myself though that there is nothing that she can do to me that is worse than what she's already done. As has been written to me many times here - I have the control. I have the power in this situation. Whether she cooperates or not.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
We're here for you A.P. Hang in there. Soul brother, I'm the same way, will take and take and take more, then poof when I am done I am done. Which is why this is so hard for us, their actions. My IC asked me what is an example of something that would make you "done"? I thought that was a good question (and for you it was an uncool pic, which I totally get why it made you done). For me it'd (it will?) probably be something similar. A pic, a car in front of a house, another woman after all this time and ridiculousness would make me done. Hugs to you.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Hi Andrew! You're exactly right that we will never understand crazy, but that doesn't stop me from trying! lol. I think my ex just bought new stuff if he needed something when he was moved out.
How much longer do you plan to make her car payment? I wonder if she is paying on the house to have a claim on it (a portion of it at least) when the divorce process starts rolling. Similarly, could you claim her car since you're paying for it? Just wondering. I'm glad that you have opened a 2nd account for yourself. She can't claim that!
Funny story - heard this from my aunt. Her friend's husband inherited a large sum of money when a family member passed away. The husband refused to share it with his wife. He bought a boat, a car... whatever expensive toys he wanted. However, he had the money deposited into their joint account before he purchased things. When she found out he was having an affair and divorced him, she was able to get half of that money!!!
Anyway, I'm not at all surprised of your letter. You've been hinting that you may be tired of all of this waiting around. I'm glad you finally made a decision for yourself. Personally, I waited a year before I filed. I was pregnant when the affair started and certain that he would chose his family over her! I never wanted to get divorced. The main reason I filed a year later is because I promised myself I wouldn't stay married to him if this was still happening. I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was treated by him. I dragged it out as long as possible. But it ended up being a blessing in disguise... I could have never gotten remarried and had a baby if I stayed married to XH!
Has she responded at all to your letter?
I'm doing well. Thanks. My wee baby is now 6 months old!!! My 2 older boys are enjoying having a baby brother. They love to hold him and he loves to watch them! We had a good Christmas. and a fun New Year's. Next year will be even better when my baby is running around and able to participate in the fun.
Typical of this board you are receiving some great advice. I know you were bracing for 2x4's but most of us have lost it at one time or another with the MLC crisis so its really hard to be a hypocrite when it comes to backsliding. We all do it at some point or another, I called mine a wh@re and meant it .... ion 25 years I never called her a B even if she was so it took us both by suprise and TBH releasing that felt cathartic though I wish I could have exercised some control ... whats done is done.
I will point out the common theme I get when I read your posts is control, you do seem to do things our of fear and to regain some kind of control in all this. Telling a MLCr what to do and when you may get better results baptizing a cat. Just expect her to drag it out and not really do much.
I will also echo some comments ... no grand announcement from you, if you are going to do something just do it. No need to stand upon the table and announce it just to gauge the reaction.
As far as social media, mine blocked me moons ago, was her way to punish me but she really did me a favor. My curiosity here ... why block her from SnapChat and not all the applications? If you are going to block her ... shut her off completely KWIM?
Social media is not something I really use much anymore, I realized that for me it was a way I would look for validation and in a way love. I would post something I did and if I didn't get x amounts of likes I felt like a failure, but if I got over X I felt loved, I realized this was not a healthy way to be, MLC'rs are the same .. .they use it to show off this life they have convinced themselves is what they always wanted and deserved, I mean it must be for all they sacrificed and destroyed right ?? (There really needs to be a universal Sarcasm font)
So .. AP hang in there its a long hard frustrating road but you have that goal of getting through it sane and not broke its as good a place as any to start.
dream - So lovely to hear from you. I had thought you only had the two. Three boys must be quite the handful. They'll be your solid rocks of support in the years to come though. I'm sure they'll grow into men to be proud of with a mother like you to guide them.
The car payments are done in June. It's not a big deal to me and historically hasn't been worth making a stink about. It is also less than what she is paying on the mortgage so I have math on my side if it comes to a fight. I agree that her paying on the house was undoubtedly to maintain a claim to it which legally speaking is pure balderdash but is probably an indication of the quality of advice she is getting from her enablers. I am very pleased though on how responsible she has been through all of this. I am sure that she has had lots of people around her pushing for her to "strip the b@stard clean". She mentioned it in fact. I think in many ways that she is determined to do this on her own. She has a huge amount of pride and I think lacked in self-confidence. I myself have every confidence that she can make it and thrive on her own if that is her choice. She is a very capable woman and I would tell her that regularly whenever she doubted herself. And I never lied to her.
Division of property can be a dicey thing from what I understand from divorced friends and even though I have separate accounts they could be up for grabs. Good thing I'm broke . There is also very little money in the house equity mostly because it's a house in a cheap area. In what I wrote to STBX I pointed out that what little money and equity we had would vanish in legal fees if we fought about it which is very true. But I won't roll over either. Since it's a natural tendency of mine anyway and from what both a divorced friend and my lawyer have advised me I am being open, honest and transparent. As I've advised other's "Don't be an @ss". If this does go before a judge which I really hope it doesn't there very likely will be some weight put on the fact that while I've kept her access open and been completely honest that she stripped valuables out of the house without telling me and has concealed all of her activities and finances from me. It would cost her a lot of legal fees to prove that she's hiding nothing. I've been very conscious of appearances and how things might be taken in an "unbiased court" and have taken a lot of care to keep a shine on my actions. Honestly though, I don't want this to be nasty. I just want it to be over and in part it is. I've started the train and set the schedule.
There has been no response to my letter and tbh I don't really expect much of one for some time at least. There is even a strong chance in my mind that she may never respond and may do none of the things that I listed in the letter. I have backup plans for pretty much all of those items. The critical ones for sure. After all I've had 10 months to plan this out and I am getting some great advice both from the people here and from some good friends who have walked this path before. I've given her a really hard sharp and quite probably unexpected blow I think that she is going to have to recover from and think about. I am curious if she will still want to get together on Wednesday for coffee and to get her coats. We both have this amazing and stupid ability to put things aside and pretend that they never happened. I really have no idea how / if OM will play into this. In my letter I pointed out that she and he did not need my "few sticks of furniture". If he wants her, he can have her and the legal fees can be kept to a minimum if she just legally walks away from what she has already emotionally and physically walked away from. He's got more than enough money to just write a cheque and make it a done deal. I don't know if her pride would allow that though. It certainly wouldn't if she were with me. She would have insisted on doing it on her own.
The second account was set up to protect myself from any crazy that might happen. I will move money into the joint account to cover the bills that I haven't moved and pay the rest out of my own account. If crazy does happen then I have enough cushion thanks to a very friendly bank manager to carry me through any storm. I continue to be pleased by how very nice people are to those in trouble.
Thanks again for the visit - it was great to see your name. Even though you don't post much you came into my life at a very crucial time and were the calm voice of reason that I needed then and other times. I am grateful to have had this chance to know you. Thank you.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Telling a MLCr what to do and when you may get better results baptizing a cat. Just expect her to drag it out and not really do much.
I've actually done that. I planned it out and wore heavy work gloves. The cat did not appreciate it and the net result I was looking for (the cat smelled bad) was not fixed. It was a glandular issue. Yes I do in fact expect STBX to drag things out. While I don't want that, I have planned for it. I also have planned for her acting monster and quicker than expected. I hope I'm covered - I'm sure you'll hear one way or another I do so love telling my story.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
My curiosity here ... why block her from SnapChat and not all the applications? If you are going to block her ... shut her off completely KWIM?
I wasn't going to respond to your post - not out of rudeness - I quite appreciate the time, effort and thought you give to your messages - but because I mostly just answered almost everything just a moment ago.
This has been a contentious issue here both between me and pretty much everyone else and also for a few others so I wanted to just address it. Most of the people who are so very adamant about shutting down social media connections with their spouses also often point out how they themselves do not use social media. Sorry - but that decreases the credibility of the advice in my mind - no offence intended. The advice was well meant even if often bluntly delivered. SnapChat was indeed a method I used knowingly to "advertise" what I was doing in my world to W. It showed a man and his cats getting on with life, not doing anything exciting and being a safe and secure lighthouse. It was the "beacon" as you might say. However I also realized that it was also one of the bonds that tied me to STBX. Did it actually do me "good" in terms of winning her back to advertise in this way? Probably not. Did it help keep me Standing by reassuring me that she did in fact care what was going on in my life? Darned right and I needed every single possible crumb to keep me doing that and this was a big juicy one. However based on the wisdom that job has given me it probably also kept her satisfied that I was right where she left me and that she could continue playing Queen of Fairy Princess Land which I also accepted as fact. I shut her access down for 2 reasons. The first one was because I knew that I was doing my DB case harm with it. I'm a slow learner but messages do get through in time especially when she mentioned to me that she had been watching. I already knew that but having her say it struck me oddly. The second reason was because I had gotten tired and annoyed at myself validating that she still was interested in me by checking to see if she had seen what she had posted. Just like with any addiction though it took an effort of will by my own wishes and not the pressure of those outside me to break me of it.
The only other social media we are connected on is Facebook. I'm going to keep that for now. Yes - I had a similar addiction earlier but tbh she hardly ever posts anything any more. A huge change from both before BD and from the few months after when she was on top of the world with so many of her "friends" cheering her on while she had the rush of being secretly with OM. Certainly after I get the most critical things taken care of I will remove her plus all of her relatives. Her friends who aren't my friends removed me quite a long time ago. I won't bother blocking her because I really don't care if she sees how wonderful my life will be without her. For now it give me via Messenger a communications method where I can send her things and know that she has seen them.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
One of the reasons that your wife is still paying towards the mortgage is so that you, your lawyer and the judicial system can't say that she abandoned the home. My xh attempted this little game, but I cut him off very fast w/that little move. In the eyes of some courts, it wouldn't matter if she paid on the mortgage or not, just as long as her name is on it.
One of the reasons that your wife is still paying towards the mortgage is so that you, your lawyer and the judicial system can't say that she abandoned the home. My xh attempted this little game, but I cut him off very fast w/that little move. In the eyes of some courts, it wouldn't matter if she paid on the mortgage or not, just as long as her name is on it.
Exactly. In the interim there's a few extra dollars in the bank account. If she does it again then I will request that she pull the money back out.
I did some reading a few months ago about "abandonment" in a legal sense. It is a factor in some jurisdictions but not in mine. As the marital home she is "entitled" to continue to have use of it and to a portion of the value of it. It makes sense - a lot of SAHM would not be contributing financially to a house but still are equal partners in the marriage. Even though it is clean (these days) I'm not planning on any renovations or anything that will increase the value of it in the near future. According to divorced friends the value is set not at the time of separation but at the time of an agreement. Oh well - I'm used to the crappy flooring in the kitchen and laundry room, asbestos siding, drafty windows and sagging back porch.
All still quiet. SIL1 drunk texted STBX last night asking her to reconcile and then called me in tears and panic around midnight (4 times). I forgave her - she meant well and is going through some personal difficulties of her own. I suggested that she step away from the computer and get some sleep. She sent me a transcript later. STBX was friendly and polite and seemed open to chatting again with SIL1. I sent STBX a brief note thanking her for being understanding of SIL1. No responses to anything. The monster may have gone back to sleep - her Facebook activity appears completely "normal" as if nothing has happened in the last 4 days. I sent a copy of the letter I sent to my L for their files and gave them a heads-up that some further paperwork may be coming their way or that I may be engaging them to initiate things. No rush though. The letter set out my terms for separation and asked her to respond if she had questions. The longer things are quiet the more it could be assumed she is in agreement.
