The in house arrangement you have sounds very much like what I had except my W would leave when I got home on her nights to sleep elsewhere. It wasn't healthy at all - you need physical separation.
I agree. But clearly my W doesn't see it that way because there's no downside to the arrangement for her. She has the protection and stability of a married home life with the freedom of being single. Why would she ever want to move out? I HAVE GOT to set boundaries so that she feels the squeeze like I do.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
The more deep rooted her problem is ... the longer it's going to take to resolve.
Resolve yourself to be in it for the long haul. I'm sorry to tell you.
Agreed FG and believe me, I'm trying to. I'm catching up on your sitch right now...
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
We hardly talk or spend any time together but we still have some basic consideration for each other.
I think something is missing here ^^^^^. You aren't suppose to talk and spend time together. You are separated, remember? Would you have been calling her if you were physically separated? IDK, maybe you would.....but IMHO, this is tough love. She is giving up all of your protection over her, so she can have affairs. Your part is not to rescue her. Just to be clear, I understand about you being anxious for her well being in the bad weather. Like I said, it is called tough love b/c it's hard.
Quote:
She knows that I'm home and worried about her driving in bad weather (with the assumption that she's had a few drinks), but she doesn't respect me enough to send a quick reply saying that she's ok.
Exactly!
Quote:
But clearly my W doesn't see it that way because there's no downside to the arrangement for her. She has the protection and stability of a married home life with the freedom of being single. Why would she ever want to move out? I HAVE GOT to set boundaries so that she feels the squeeze like I do.
Yep!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Getting all of this out of my head and into this thread helps me through the grieving process and allows me to shift my focus to something else. I don't know about the other folks on this board but this sitch consumes my every waking moment and it's exhausting. I look forward to sleep because I can escape for a few hours.
You're not alone Chris. Especially during the first few months of my situation I had trouble focusing on anything but. Around the exhaustion part, the exercise is key. It wears you out and also seems to be a natural medicine for your mind/body. Also gets out some of the aggression that builds up.
Keep hanging in there brother.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
You aren't suppose to talk and spend time together. You are separated, remember?
Right, and I'm fine with that. She tries to engage sometimes but I don't say much. Most of our longer conversations are about the kids. I guess my point was that even though we are hardly in each other's lives these days, I still expect some common courtesy.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Stop texting her at all for anything that isn't an emergency related to your kids. I mean nothing. Same for phone calls, emails, and any other communication. It's been said so many times it should be on a scrolling banner at the bottom of the screen..."You can't nice her back!!!" Nice guys really to finish last if they finish at all. Get your b@lls out of her purse already.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
You aren't suppose to talk and spend time together. You are separated, remember?
Right, and I'm fine with that. She tries to engage sometimes but I don't say much. Most of our longer conversations are about the kids. I guess my point was that even though we are hardly in each other's lives these days, I still expect some common courtesy.
Chris, you should have no expectations for what your W does or how she reacts. You don't control anything she does and having those expectations only sets you up for disappointment. Scratch the expectations.
Only do things for you. Do things that you know to be right. Do things that will help you become a better man. Do things for your kids to shield them from this and be their rock.
MV can speak to how hard it's been for me to learn this lesson. Listen to him. He's been instrumental in helping me to move away from the nice guy stuff. If your motives are to show your W how good of a guy you are, then you're only hurting yourself. If your motives are to improve yourself and do the right things for the right reasons then you are winning.
All of this is tough, but I've no doubt you can do it. Hang in there brother.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Chris -- it stinks, but the reality is that even a text like the one you sent comes across as smothering pursuit to her at this point. It pushes her further away. You've got to pull back to where she really and truly is just a roommate, while you get your life on track and thriving. She'll notice and want to move closer or she won't. I'll be honest, I haven't seen many in-house sitches working out here for the LBS, but this will at least set you up to be and feel the best you can.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Exactly What JRuss said. Textin is pursuit and pressure. And you expecting a reply is pressure on you. Stop it. Its needy and pushy and serves no purpose whatsoever.
You say you expect some common curtesy from her. Nix all expectatios, Every and each one. Expect nothing from her. Be selfsufficient. Do not rely on her for anything. Always plan around her. Do not get caught off guard. Your W IS NOT THE SAME PERSON YOU MARRIED. This person may be buried somewhere deep inside her. But it is layers and layers deep. There is no logic in treating her like your W when she clearly is not. But by now you figured it out by yourself. I am willing to bet that you still can't wrap your brain around the question who is this person inside your W's body.
I am 2 and half years post BD myself and I have noticed something. All our spouses follow pretty much the same script and none of the LBSs actually take prudent advice from the vets. My theory is that every one just has to experience every step before they realize the vets had it right from the get go. I try to offer advice to help and shave a couple of days of the journey, but mostly I fail at this. But is is OK, at least the LBS sees support is here and always alert.
Stay strong, try to be a little less needy and try to realize it is not you, it's her and NO, YOU CANNOT HELP HER and NO; SHE WILL NOT HEAR ANYTHING YOU SAY, you might as well be speaking Mandarin...
