I desperately need help and would appreciate your patience and willingness to read my dilemma.
H40 W39 Married and together 12 years. dated about 6 months before marriage D7 S6
I am not sure how much detail to go into and where to start ?! There are a myriad of reasons why i was a terrible husband and i don't blame you if you think me as complete a$$.
1 . Right after we got married, i insisted we stay with my parents to defray costs while i got through med school - lots of pent up resentment towards me and my family built up over 6 years 2. Would side with my "family" and would disregard or discount her thoughts, ideas and suggestions. 3. Would fight unfair by not talking to her for days on end. 4. Would make unilateral decisions on matters which pertain to both of us and then get mad she objected. 5. Overall, i pretty much did everything i could do wrong in the relationship including not participating in MC sessions. 6. I am sure she has bought the DB and DR books and has done a bunch of courses/sessions with all the major players in the MC arena. 6. My stressors were that i was going through med school (not an excuse, i know).
The end result of all of the above is that as a cumulative result of the past hurt she has repeatedly told me she doesnt love me, trust me or respect me.
Some key timeline points:
Apr 2014 - After completing my residency, I had planned to take up a job / fellowship in a town approx 60 miles from my family. We had a big fight about moving / the job and 2 days later - she says she is not moving anywhere with me and would like a separation and that she does not love me.
July 2015-June 2016 - I move out of our home for this timeframe to accommodate a one year clinical fellowship in a town approx 2 hours away from her and the kids - returning on the weekends to spend time with kids and her. This was a rough timeframe for me and her with lots of animosity between her and I. She had to be the defacto single parent as well.
July 2016 to present - She insists that she does not want to move from our current location, partly because of her job and partly because she doesn't trust me. This limits my job opportunities locally and I accept a job offer in a city approx 900 miles away. The job has significant time off and i am at home 1.5 weeks per month and every weekend. She is currently the defacto single parent while also working full time at a new job.
Since 2015, she has repeatedly said that we are only married on paper for the sake of the kids. Recently on a day to day basis, there are no major flareups as we really don't talk about anything other than logistics for the kids. Our relationship is cordial and when we talk, she will ask about my day etc. However, once the kids go to bed, she will go upstairs to our mbr and spend time on her phone until she falls asleep. When i asked her once why she did this, her answer was, I am actively rejecting you.
She seems perfectly fine (my opinion) to keep this pseudo-relationship going with me. I go "home" every weekend and for a week once a month. We are nice happy family with the exception of any real interaction/relationship with my wife. We make short term and long term plans which involve us spending time as a family and with each other's families, which seems weird to me .
Physically, no affection/touch/sex for the past 18 months.
I don't want to be roommates or just friends. I want to be her husband. I asked her recently if we could get back to when we first met and her response was - "possible but highly unlikely". She also said first step at any reconciliation would be for me to get a job in the same town as her (which i have secured and will be starting in 6 months).
I don't know what to do. Initially, i had thought i could be in this pseudorelationship for the sake of the kids, but i am so lonely it hurts. I am scared of next steps, but know that i can't live like this anymore. The uncertainty is killing me. I don't want to get divorced but if there is no hope for our relationship, I cannot continue like this.
I am trying to GAL, but i find myself thinking about my situation all the time.
I appreciate you taking the time to read my rambling.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Good that you own up to many of your faults, and that took a job in your home town. That is FUNDAMENTAL, in my opinion. But 6 months is too far away. Anything can happen to your marriage in those 6 months. I think you have to choose between money and your marriage: do whatever you have to do to be in your home town now. Be a full time partner in everything related to your marriage and parenthood. I know, I know, you've got med school debts and career, etc. But let me tell you something -- read some of the threads here. Look at 'em. People with 25 years of solid, hot sex marriage, here now because their spouses are having an affair with some dilbot. How much cash would you pay to avoid that? Your wife is home, she even admits there is a chance you can rebuild. What's that worth to you? Even if she doesn't have an affair, how much will your marriage continue to degrade over 6 months? Is quitting too drastic? Hell yes it is. But so is a divorce! Maybe you can find a way to cut down your hours drastically. I don't know. But don't come back here in 6 months to say I didn't warn you.
The other thing: re-read your original post, as if you were a total stranger: take on the perspective of a single, beautiful woman with a great heart. What kind of a man does she see in your post? And what must you change to be the kind of man she would want to be with? Or, what do you have to change to be the kind of man your wife would be a FOOL to leave?
I envy you. You're WAAAAY ahead of most of us who are on the precipice of losing our wives. Do all you can to keep her, and do it by becoming a great person. There's a hell of lot more to life than career and money.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Thank you FG - I have followed your posts in other threads and value your input/opinion.
To answer your question - yes moving out of state for work was a dumb move, but it was either that or be unemployed. 6 months is far away but i have worked out with my current employer (who are awesome!!) that I will work one less week per month. This will give me 2.5 weeks at home per month. Its' not ideal but its a start.
I am contemplating your additional questions re: the type of man I need to become.
Few ideas to start: I need to be selfless, always putting our family's interest above my own, respectful at all times when her opinions clash with my own.
I have so much to say but find it so much harder to write all this down, major respect to all the posters who have written down in great detail about their issues.
Yeah on 2nd thought 2.5 wks per month is not terrible.
Make sure you don't become totally spineless and subservient. Yes, be considerate and caring, but take time to be FUN and INTERESTING as a man. Think about the qualities your W saw in you when you were dating.
I wish you luck, man.
We need a fricken success story in this forum somewhere.
We're all dying here.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
You prepared quite a list of your faults and wrong doings. That kind of self examination is really powerful, bravo! So now what? How are you different than the man you were when the two of you were dating? How can you get back to that guy?
Great news on being home 2.5 weeks a month instead of 1. It is certainly a step in the right direction. Any chance that the new job that wants you in 6 months will want you sooner?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Hello all, Thank you for the responses, I truly appreciate it.
FG - the 2.5 weeks is not a done deal but will be implemented as soon as possible, its a huge pay cut but that does not matter to me right me.
Cristy - thank you for the thought provoking questions. I will self examine and may get in touch with you as well.
Sandi - Her stated reason for not leaving her job (i don't want to state what she does as this is the open internet), is that it is a "once-in-a-lifetime opportunity". I believe her. As for a work related EA or PA - she has stated in the past infidelity on either of our parts is grounds for divorce at once - and i believe that if she was having an A, she would tell me (lol, naive, i know).
I spent the last 4 nights going through as many of threads and posts in this forum - there are some heartbreaking stories and amazing resilient people. I wish i knew some of you in real life!
One quick question - the more i read, the more sense i get that she is the one who has detached from me , ie, she is following the DB playbook and maybe i am misinterpreting detached as WAW.
One quick question - the more i read, the more sense i get that she is the one who has detached from me , ie, she is following the DB playbook and maybe i am misinterpreting detached as WAW.
I'm no vet, but your last point is one that I have thought myself about my situation. In your W's mind she may well consider herself a LBW...you may be a WAH or WW...just that your mistress was your own selfishness and/or career ambitions...that you prioritized that over her...when she doesn't feel valued, then she emotionally (and physically) checks out...resentment builds...she gets angry...
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
