MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year

[SM34]

Also, I'd be suspicious of the idea that she "doesn't want to start something with OM until you are separated". I would bet its already happening.

No one is leaving a marriage for something they aren't vested in. It can happen very quickly. My wife started to talk to a guy and within 1 week she was sure he was her "sole mate". Its a sickness that your wife is in, and you shouldn't believe what she says.

Remember Cadets advice:

"Believe none of what they say and only half of what you see".

[Gordie]

SM34--thank you so much for the encouragement. I could ask you a million questions bu will limit myself:

***You are getting mixed advice from your coach (build connections) and from folks here (tough love). I was in the exact same position also...Personally my advice to you would be to stick with your coach. I did what my coach advised and things worked out. But there is still lots of things to be learned from the good people here. They are simply challenging you, not trying to tell you what to do with your life. They are challenging you to make some changes, to tip the balance a little, and the outcome of such "rocking the boat slightly" would make it easier to decipher the real intentions of your wife.***

Thank you, this puts things in perspective.

***To me it sounds like:
she doesn't want to leave.***

What do you mean? She says she wants me to leave the home. I said I will not until we legally S or D.

***she wants to be SAHM***

Once my youngest became school age, it enabled my W to start her business, but she still spends a lot of time taking care of the kids and the home. She is a superlative home maker and mother, but has said that it's not enough for her. She wants a vocation outside the home and not just any vocation. She wants to be the boss and to be fabulously successful and rich and famous. She resents the fact that she has been a SAHM while I have had a rich and rewarding career, particularly because she thinks she is smarter and more talented than I am.

***she wants you to wait***

I'm not sure what you mean. Do you mean she wants me to wait re dating other women? Do you think that's why she keeps saying that I'm going to re marry before she does? Maybe so, but I also suspect that she thinks I'm incapable of living without a woman to care for me.

*** she uses the excuse "this is what our R needs to grow"***

What do you mean? Yes, she says that. Is this just a manipulation for me to go along with her plan and keep my hope of R alive?

***Heard all these before brother. It is as ForGump said, shes in La La land. Its where all WW/MLC people go to congregate with like minded people who support their nonsense. The 22 year old OM is there too, and in that land there is no need for money and kids don't exist (because Mr Nice Guy will look after them... thats you) ***

This made me laugh...and cry.

[Gordie]

***Also, I'd be suspicious of the idea that she "doesn't want to start something with OM until you are separated". I would bet its already happening.***

Yes, I know this is possible, particularly because they spend time alone with each other when I am at work and the kids are at school. She says that they haven't even had a R defining talk and while she thinks POM has romantic interests she doesn't know for certain.

***No one is leaving a marriage for something they aren't vested in. It can happen very quickly. My wife started to talk to a guy and within 1 week she was sure he was her "sole mate". Its a sickness that your wife is in, and you shouldn't believe what she says.***

She says she is in love with me and POM at the same time, that we are both her soul mates. She says I'm not replaceable but that no one man can meet her needs. POM and I are opposites in every way. The biggest relational difference is that W feels I act in a dominant way towards her and POM acts in a submissive way.

[ForGump]

Gordie-- why don't you just talk to this 22 year old fella? Put this question to rest.

[Gordie]

Gordie-- why don't you just talk to this 22 year old fella? Put this question to rest.

I appreciate your concern and have thought about this a lot but really don't think a confrontation will do any good. I do think the POM is a symptom of the bigger MLC and marital disconnection issues.

[Gordie]

Update from the Twilight Zone:

So at the same time my W is asking for a S agreement, W has also suggested we plan a weekend getaway for just the two of us this spring.

[PsySara]

Thus the insanity of the wayward mind. My WH was the same way with OW, as a matter of fact he asked to go bowling the day after he said he wanted two wives. He was perplexed as to why I said I had not slept a wink in over 24 hours and NO, I don't feel like bowling with you. He said he felt it was possible to love two women equally. Um, sure.

So if you're going to be a purist then follow MWD and your coach's advise and do relationship building things. If your wife suggests you guys go out together then take her up on it. But she has to do the planning, she needs to invest herself. Don't do it for her. While you're out with her don't initiate relationship talks...just BE there and soak up the moment.

[Gordie]

Thus the insanity of the wayward mind. My WH was the same way with OW, as a matter of fact he asked to go bowling the day after he said he wanted two wives. He was perplexed as to why I said I had not slept a wink in over 24 hours and NO, I don't feel like bowling with you. He said he felt it was possible to love two women equally. Um, sure.

So if you're going to be a purist then follow MWD and your coach's advise and do relationship building things. If your wife suggests you guys go out together then take her up on it. But she has to do the planning, she needs to invest herself. Don't do it for her. While you're out with her don't initiate relationship talks...just BE there and soak up the moment.

Good suggestion re making her do something to make this happen. I usually do all planning for these types of things. It's weird on the surface but also because when W and I go on a weekend together the main thing we do is stay in the hotel room and ML.

[SM34]

Gordie the more you talk the more you and your W sound like me and my W.

We go out of town to say in hotels and ML and order room service. That's been our thing for almost two decades.

She was also a SAHM who built up a lot of resentment and often had "suggestions" as to how she could be doing better than I. This is part of how the WW convinces herself that you aren't such a catch after all.

But she wants you. And she wants the OM. We had this kind of dynamic too. It's her being indecisive. Don't worry about this right now because it's beyond your control

The OM is complete opposite to you. It's ALWAYS like this. If you don't drink, he's a drinker. If you don't like tattoos, he has full body tattoos. If you are against guns, he has racks full of guns. If you are successfully, he is most certainly a loser with a dead end job and no career. The OM is ALWAYS the low lying fruit picked from the lowest hanging branches. A bottom feeder who has no issues with flirting with married women.

Your sitch is progressing according to the script. Nothing out of the ordinary here

Your coach gave you the same advice I was given, and my sitch was almost EXACTLY like yours. Light touch in a subtle way is a powerful thing. You have the advantage over OM. You have shared history with her. You have shared kids. You know her better than he does. And, he's a kid himself!

She's stringing you along as far as her saying she doesn't know if OM is interested. She knows he is. And they've fooled around. I can almost bet my money on that. Is that a deal breaker for you or can you look past it for an R?

I'll be back later with more questions.

[Gordie]

***She was also a SAHM who built up a lot of resentment and often had "suggestions" as to how she could be doing better than I. This is part of how the WW convinces herself that you aren't such a catch after all.***

Glad to hear I'm not the only one.

***But she wants you. And she wants the OM. We had this kind of dynamic too. It's her being indecisive. Don't worry about this right now because it's beyond your control.***

Yes, I was too focused on OM at the beginning but the last month we haven't discussed him at all.

***The OM is complete opposite to you. It's ALWAYS like this. If you don't drink, he's a drinker. If you don't like tattoos, he has full body tattoos. If you are against guns, he has racks full of guns. If you are successfully, he is most certainly a loser with a dead end job and no career. The OM is ALWAYS the low lying fruit picked from the lowest hanging branches. A bottom feeder who has no issues with flirting with married women.***

Gosh, you got it right...even the tattoos!

***Your sitch is progressing according to the script. Nothing out of the ordinary here***

Wow

***Your coach gave you the same advice I was given, and my sitch was almost EXACTLY like yours. Light touch in a subtle way is a powerful thing. You have the advantage over OM. You have shared history with her. You have shared kids. You know her better than he does. And, he's a kid himself! ***

I hope you're right.

***She's stringing you along as far as her saying she doesn't know if OM is interested. She knows he is. And they've fooled around. I can almost bet my money on that. Is that a deal breaker for you or can you look past it for an R?***

I hope you're wrong, but yes, it's forgiveable in my book.

***I'll be back later with more questions. ***

Hit me. I'm shocked you know my situation so well.