My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment

[lt0402]

Does she do your laundry also? Honestly, if it were me I'd just leave her stuff in the dryer. Scheme of things whether you do or don't it doesn't matter. I wouldn't expend a ton of time worrying about it. Best to get some sleep and be ready to roll tomorrow, fully refreshed!

Don't sweat it Chris. I've been where you are right now and have found concern in similar stuff. I know the angst you are feeling and it will go away. Be strong brother!

[Chris73]

We both do the all the laundry on an as-needed basis. Whenever it piles up, the first person to notice it will throw a load in. I think the issue that I have with what I did tonight is that I went out of my way to separate my W's clothes from my kids' clothes and only fold theirs. It's not just an act of negligence or laziness. It sends a definitive message.

[PacLove]

Whenever my W's clothes were in the dryer mixed in with the others I just folded it or hung it... didn't really think much of it. She did the same with mine. TBH she likely won't even notice or if she does don't expect a Thanks... but at the same time leaving it and only it in there will likely cause a rise from her - is that what you want?

[bigybiz]

Chris73:
I served 5 months in house. It was bad. I made lots of mistakes. Then I really kicked into the DB site way. I took over almost every function she served in our home. I ran the house the way I wanted it, got projects started and finished, developed stronger relationships with my kids, etc.

I made the mistake of trying to be friendly (as per my DB coach). It was tough and confusing. Draw clear lines and stick to them. If you don't do her laundry today, don't do it tomorrow.

If she is supposed to provide dinner tonight don't let her off the hook.

Most importantly - you need to stick to your commitments. You also, need to give the perception you are moving on too. I bought a motorcycle, injected myself into our S10 school, entertained, etc.

As Sandy says - In house is the ultimate in cake eating. Chances are she won't change her mind. So get ready for the next step. Do it on your terms.

[ForGump]

Chris,

She's out cheating on you right now and you're looking at her her sexy underwear. What are you feeling??? Are you seriously feeling like doing her laundry?!?!

I say be true to your feelings.

[MrBond]

'It sends a definitive message.'

Yes. It sends a message that you're a boy pouting. If you're looking for a message, put the clothes together in a suitcase and leave it outside. With a note with a lawyer's info and that you contacted the om's family and told the kids. That's a message.

[Chris73]

It sends a message that you're a boy pouting.

This is what I eventually decided as well. I folded the rest of the laundry. I need to keep the peace for one more week. Once the Disney trip is over and I've got some legal advice, we'll have a sit-down and I'll present her with the options of moving out or separating the finances. I hesitate to present her with a third option of ending the A and working on the marriage. Based on Sandi2's advice if she really is in the thick of it, she might say yes just to avoid the other 2 options and just continue the A and cake eating anyway.

The rest of my evening was pretty bad. It had started snowing around 10:30 when I went to bed so I sent my W a "please be careful driving" txt. I didn't sleep well. Kept having dreams about my W with OM2 (unlike OM1 I don't know what OM2 looks like so my subconscious is conjuring up images from scratch). I woke up startled at 1:30 to find her home safe. She had never replied to my txt. The rest of the night I was still plagued with dreams of her cheating, leaving, and basically just flaunting her new freedom in my face.

Our current in-house separation arrangement is that I work late on M/W/F and she has dinner with the kids without me. On T/T/S she works late and I have dinner with the kids without her. Sunday is a family day. On the days when I work late, I still try to be home in time to see the kids before bed. On her days to work late, she never does (even if her schedule permits it), and she ALWAYS goes out with "friends" and comes home late. On the nights when she's home with the kids for dinner she regularly invites the neighbor and her 3 kids over. Yes, this is the neighbor who she parties with and (although I can't prove it) encourages her wayward behavior. The kids all play together and the two of them sit around and drink.

I'm no psychologist, but it seems to me that my W is constantly finding ways to distract herself in an attempt to avoid sitting quietly and dealing with her current mindset. After the first BD she started IC and spent some time reading books that the IC recommended, and journalling. Now she does none of that. All the self-help books that she's purchased are sitting on the nightstand in our MBR collecting dust. I suppose this is the absolute selfishness that Sandi2 talks about. She's told me in several conversations that IC has shown her that she was robbed of a childhood and spent 45 years taking care of everyone else and putting herself last. Now it seems as if she's making up for lost time.

Look, I know none of this matters with regard to how I need to act. She has chosen this path and I can't walk down it with her. I need to find my own path and set boundaries so that my W's selfishness and poor judgment doesn't negatively affect my kids. I guess I'm just trying to get inside her head to understand her better.

Getting all of this out of my head and into this thread helps me through the grieving process and allows me to shift my focus to something else. I don't know about the other folks on this board but this sitch consumes my every waking moment and it's exhausting. I look forward to sleep because I can escape for a few hours.

[Gordie]

I folded the rest of the laundry...

...she was robbed of a childhood and spent 45 years taking care of everyone else and putting herself last. Now it seems as if she's making up for lost time...

...I guess I'm just trying to get inside her head to understand her better...

...I don't know about the other folks on this board but this sitch consumes my every waking moment and it's exhausting...

Chris73: Oh man, I could have written all of the above. You are not alone. My only question on the above is the re: please be careful driving text. Did it surprise or bother you that she didn't reply? If so, why?

[Chris73]

Did it surprise or bother you that she didn't reply? If so, why?

It definitely did NOT surprise me but it did bother me. We hardly talk or spend any time together but we still have some basic consideration for each other. No response to my txt for 3 hours could have meant that she just didn't care to reply (which was the case) or it could have meant that something happened. Again, it goes back to the selfishness. She knows that I'm home and worried about her driving in bad weather (with the assumption that she's had a few drinks), but she doesn't respect me enough to send a quick reply saying that she's ok.

[PacLove]

I recall an incident like that a long while back, raining hard and I had genuine concern. I quickly realised that sending texts like that just builds up anxiety as you are constantly waiting a response - so I learned quickly not to txt and then then you aren't anticipating a response.

She's making her own choices, and yes we still care and love them - but we can't control or protect them anymore - they are their own selves.

The in house arrangement you have sounds very much like what I had except my W would leave when I got home on her nights to sleep elsewhere. It wasn't healthy at all - you need physical separation.