Been following along with your sitch since you joined last year. The demeanor of our stbx's were similar at the time (around bd) and like you, I couldn't find clear cut evidence of ow..... Just straight up running and desire to have fun. I don't have much to add, except for the fact that I know exactly how you feel. Some days I do well, and then I'm shocked with the trauma that I still feel after 1.5 years of separation. My d wil be final this year too....gosh there is so much recovery and healing that still needs to be done and yet stbx's skip along seeming in complete acceptance of their decision. No turning back! It boggles the mind sometimes.
Good luck... I hope you start to feel better soon.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Thank you rouky. I feel so deeply engrained in negativity and depression. Stuck like. Not feeling very positive at all. I know it will pass. But for the first time, I've been actually considering meds. I haven't been exercising (no time, weather, and ankle fracture) and I think that really brought me down and I have to get back up again.
Hi pax! (I used to post under the name julie). I caught up a bit with you and i do remember some of your situation. Especially concerning the dog. Not fair at all. I'm sorry.
I relate to your struggles with lawyer paperwork and the feeling of ptsd. Even though it's been so long and even though affairs were not thrown in our faces. There is something really off putting.
ITs like we don't have an affirmative "they are wrong". But we know something is off and it is mind fu...ing. My ex comes across like cooperative, good old american boy now. I come across as scatter brained...difficulty getting attorney stuff done and probably angry ex wife.
I read up on covert narcissism, and different types of abuse (never wanted to use that word) to get a better grasp on the relationship and way that he left. It's hard to understand the callousness. I wasn't just a girlfriend you break up with cause we weren't right for each other. I was with my ex for 15 years and the mother of his child and we had a commitment.
I wish I just had a real explanation on how a person leaves the way he did, instead of a "your better off without him"
I am very stressed regarding whether I retained the right attorney.
The initial attorney I consulted with was super savy. But very expensive. (Wealthy Relatives of relatives used him with much success) He witnessed my ex refusing to pay child support. He saw the situation from the beginning when I was tying so hard to salvage the relationship and hoping for reconciliation. I was worried that he was promising me too much though. I worried that he was a lawyer you hired if you had a lot of money and assets (which we don't). He seemed to be prepared more for court. Very cocky and arrogant but also very polished. Maybe a bit underhanded, but definatly the person that would work to get you the best possible settlement.
Over a year later I ended up retaining a female lawyer who was slightly less expensive and closer to my home. When I first consulted her, she definatly made it out like ex was hiding money and she would find it. She marketed herself as someone that could avoid court and negotiate.
Once I retained her, she Approached it like it was a simple case and is indicating that i should be prepared for alimony based upon what my salary would be if I went to work full time. To be honest, I could have mediated a settlement like that. She might be good at figuring out where husbands money is though. I don't really know yet. She is very detail oriented though.
She sees my ex being cooperative with his child support settlements and I don't know if it's my imagination, but I am not sure that she sees me as the one wronged. Maybe because she is a female working full time, she feels that I should be too? (I am just speculating here but I felt more sympathy from the other attorney)
And yes, I know I am writing myself up as a victim. But I feel wronged. I want justice. And I really don't feel that ex was fair.
So I'm not sure. It is so expensive of a process. I am even wishing I just mediated first, and then retained lawyers post. Cause I would have saved money that way.
If my ex would have showed me a good faith effort, like paying me the 5 months of child support he owed before I took him to court, I would have worked things out civilly and through mediation.
I will never ever ever forget how he strung me along...playing with reconciliation and then literally screaming at me and villifying me when I asked him for child support. (Inrecently went back and reread my early posts)
Just journaling. Anger is an issue for me. In past, Vanilla has had interesting posts on anger and types of anger. For me, anger is not good because it consumes me to the point of obsession.
So I have been hashing out my anger and am coming to some conclusions...
1. I am bitter.
2. When things don't go easily in my life I resort to anger and blame upon ex. This doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't accomplish anything. It just puts me in this "wo is me mode". Which is not healthy. It feels good for a moment. But doesn't help long term.
3. My life is never going to be easy. No ones life is easy. And I really have to start changing my perspective on things if I want to be happy. "Appreciate what I do have and stop looking for things to be upset over" . Being light and happy is a goal. Being heavy and consummed with anger feels really bad.
4. Friend said "instead of accepting the way things are, you keep expecting more or thinking about the way things SHOULD be and that causes anger and is not productive." Very true. I get bogged down with my perceptions of fairness and justice. And it's irrelevant. It can become petty as well. I am getting myself mad and upset over things that didn't even happen yet.
So knowing this and rationalizing this is one thing. But how do you live and breathe this on a daily basis? How do I remember this when I get overwhelmed? Or when I read about someone else's experience?
For one, I need to act in ways that are productive. and that make me feel like I am accomplishing...
Not sure what else though and how to implement every day?
I find that meditating is helpful. It helps me remember that feelings are fleeting and to accept them and let them pass over me. It also helps me discipline my mind so I bring my attention back to what I'm doing here and now instead of ruminating. Think of it like rehab ;-) - repeated exercise to restore your mind to a healthy condition.
I also wonder if you feel like your life is focused on what you want to do. Do you have positive, fulfilling things going on? Goals to accomplish? Basically something that is more important than the anger and bitterness?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
You are an incredibly intelligent accountable person, and I really respect that. Looking to what you know cognitively and trying to make that happen is the toughest part.
I was much like you. Angry and focused on the injustice of it all. But there was absolutely nothing that was going to undo what was done, so I was faced with choices. Move on or stay stuck.
How to implement it? I personally go back to what makes me happy. What I enjoy doing. What makes my life worth it? My situation is what it is. But What made makes me feel good and is what I focus on and do. I look to improve the situation I am in rather than looking to obtain a situation that isn't in my grasp.
I enjoy exercise, I enjoy spending time with my friends, I enjoy cooking, I enjoy hanging out with my daughter. I like to shop (although I kind of have to halt this one), I like trying new things and visiting places with my friends. When I get angry or down, I shift my focus on to what I enjoy. And just do it.
Painter, a hypnotherapist I saw a bunch of times, pointed that out to me.... How readily I can commit to improving the physical, but how little I addressed the mental. (I haven't seen her since October and just scheduled an apt with her for next week) Meditation is a good suggestion and a must for me. No excuses.
And you are right on the money. I don't really have a goal that I feel positive about. Instead I feel like I am just trying to get through my day and get things off of my never ending list. I don't have anything I am really looking forward to. And that's a problem. Now I don't know if it's that I'm overwhelmed and depressed which is making me feel dispassionate and fruitless about everything, Or is it the lack of a goal that makes me feel depressed and fruitless.
I don't know ginger. I'm not really enjoying those types of things right now. That's a problem. I honestly can't think of anything I enjoy or have the attention span for.
I am in the beginning stages of the actual divorce procees though. I had my first semi panic attack this morning. Felt everything tighten up and literally had to sit down while taking a shower. The reason was the lawyer bills. I Can't stomach the price and I am mad at myself and doubting myself for going this route.
I was filled with fear and mistrust torwards husband. I felt pressured and rushed by husband and by the lawyers. I mistrusted the lawyers as well. I just feel like it's a nightmare I can't go back on. The lawyers are gonna cost more then we even had! Which is what my ex had said back in the day. But I just felt like he was hiding stuff from me. I am just sick, sick, sick by the price of this.
I'm at a low. Struggling. Looking over husbands financial net worth statement and was just totally sickened at how he had been planning this since 2014...during the time I had some pretty tough health issues. He was basically getting rid of money. I can't believe the things he claims.m And during that time, I really feel like he was instigating or doing things that would provoke me to fight and complain. Those were tough and frusturating times.
He might or he might not have been having an affair with another woman, but he certainly was betraying me regarding finances. To be honest, I can't even imagine him with a woman because I can't see many being able to have a relationship with him, and vice versa. I'm not jealous that way anymore. I know what he's like. All he cares about is work. There was never a friendship or conversation or shared anything. And I don't feel this great loss that way.
I am becoming more and more obsessed with the unfairness, because for him that's what it has been about. Money and transparency.
