MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year

[ForGump]

Which additional things?

You can be a good man, a good father, and a good friend ... who is a castrated platonic friend.

A good mate is also a good sexual partner.

I think keeping some of that magic is at odds with the other three things. I'm not saying you can't be all. Just that if you focus too much on being a good friend, that can erode your sexual chemistry.

[Gordie]

Which additional things?

You can be a good man, a good father, and a good friend ... who is a castrated platonic friend.

A good mate is also a good sexual partner.

I think keeping some of that magic is at odds with the other three things. I'm not saying you can't be all. Just that if you focus too much on being a good friend, that can erode your sexual chemistry.

ForGump--Agree...have been working on the sexual chemistry. W complained sex for years has been boring, routine, not good/bad, so part of my post-BD, post-DB 180 has been to change that dynamic/her view. How? Increase non-sexual touching, increase emotional connection, and allow for sexual tension to build so much that she would initiate...since BD, sex has been a lot less frequent (twice a month), but it's been really, really passionate, a huge improvement...for me, this has been one of the things I wanted to change in the being a man only a fool would leave department...she has noted the improvement...

[Gordie]

PatientMan--I have spent hours reading all of your threads from 2013 and 2014...are there more? I want to know what's happened since then. I have learned so much from your posts and while our situations are different, there are parallels:

*W gives a lot of mixed signals re loving me, wanting to continue to be BFFs, but still going full steam ahead for S or D
*W has expressed that it is possible for us to R in the future...but only after she is able to become more independent (like your XW, she says she went directly from her father's house to my house...unlike your XW, my W has a POM in mind)
*W has wanted to continue the physical, sexual R post-BD...and says she wants to continue it after S or D (was very appreciative of your candor on this subject; I was feeling like I was the only one in this boat)
*W comes to me in waves...closer, then backs off...closer, then backs off (also liked your sqirrel metaphor)
*Gordie is trying to detach...but clearly still very attached...I am still on her roller coaster...I still think about her and our situation all the time...I'm driving in my car, but still staring at her car, wondering what she's doing over there

[ForGump]

it's been really, really passionate, a huge improvement...

Oh man. Kudos. Totally envious.

[Gordie]

"Did you actually read DB or DR? You seem to be mixing up the concepts"

Start with your list of goals and the actions and timeline that you are going to achieve those goals.

Thanks for the prompt. It made me realize I hadn't considered my goals since when I first read the book two months ago, so here's a first draft (open to suggestions):

*I want to stop pursuing/putting R pressure on my W (not initiating calls and texts, R talks, or sexual activity...let her do the initiating)

*When we are physically together, I want to be emotionally present to my W (look her in the eye when she talks to me, really focus on what she is saying, listening to her and showing that I understand what she is saying, not getting distracted, being open to whatever she wants to discuss or feelings she wants to express...this is an ongoing issue)

*I want her to give me some words of affirmation (I haven't actually asked for this directly other than she read 5LL years ago and she is aware that I just did...but these have actually started to trickle in...last week was about my appearance...this week it was about the car I bought her this spring...this is an ongoing issue)

*I want to be emotionally detached from the S process and discussions (this just started and is a new challenge; I have been quickly and professionally providing documents and responses to all questions; business like, not emotional and she has been appreciative...this is a January issue, may take longer, not sure...)

*If I do move out...then I want to be back home by...June (this is a stretch goal...but why not shoot for it?)

[Gordie]

it's been really, really passionate, a huge improvement...

Oh man. Kudos. Totally envious.

Has anyone else experienced this? My W has been holding in so much resentment and anger for so many years that the BD was actually a relief to her? It lifted a weight off her shoulders and she suddenly started to become more open and honest with me. This plus the changes I have made to be more emotionally present to her has resulted in a much greater sense of connection...which has translated into the bedroom...

YET...we are still on the road to S or D...I love the MWD video where she urges the W who drops the bomb to not walk away at this point...after all these years of resentment building and you are actually doing something, you finally have your H's attention and he's willing to make all of the changes that you want...now is not the time to end things!

[MrBond]

"I want her to give me some words of affirmation"

This is the only actual 'goal' you have listed. Now what steps have you done to try and achieve that goal and how long of a time are you going to see if your plan works before maybe changing it?

You need a more comprehensive list of goals.

[Gordie]

"I want her to give me some words of affirmation"

This is the only actual 'goal' you have listed. Now what steps have you done to try and achieve that goal and how long of a time are you going to see if your plan works before maybe changing it?

You need a more comprehensive list of goals.

Hmmm...thanks for the help...let's try again...re-reading Step Number 2 in DR:

Smaller items:

I want to talk to her one-on-one about non-logistical (and non R) things for at least 15 minutes per day. My steps have been to make sure I am available to her to do this and that she knows she has my full attention. Usually, this includes pouring a glass of wine and sitting down together in the evening without the children. I would say I am achieving this about 4x per week and the other days she is working at home or she is not at home. We have longer talks on date night, which are still happening 1x per week.

I want her to initiate sex. My steps have been to increase emotional connection, increase non-sexual touching, giving her alone time at the end of the day to de-stress, and going to bed at the same time. This has resulted in her initiating about 2x per month since BD.

I want her to give me some words of affirmation. My steps have been to tell her that this is important to me and to thank her when she does it. She now does it unprompted about 1x per week.

Are these better articulated goals?

I'm not writing down bigger things like...I don't want to get S or D...or I want her to end her R with POM...

[Gordie]

Sometimes when I know I am going to see W alone, I get anxious, not knowing what to expect. This doesn't happen all the time, but sometimes I just get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I know I need to detach. I know I need to let go. This is so exhausting.

[SM34]

Gordie I just read through your sitch quickly. WOW. Its like a flash back from my own story!

You are getting mixed advice from your coach (build connections) and from folks here (tough love). I was in the exact same position also...

Personally my advice to you would be to stick with your coach. I did what my coach advised and things worked out.

But there is still lots of things to be learned from the good people here. They are simply challenging you, not trying to tell you what to do with your life. They are challenging you to make some changes, to tip the balance a little, and the outcome of such "rocking the boat slightly" would make it easier to decipher the real intentions of your wife.

To me it sounds like:
she doesn't want to leave.
she wants to be SAHM
she wants you to wait
she uses the excuse "this is what our R needs to grow"

Heard all these before brother. It is as ForGump said, shes in La La land. Its where all WW/MLC people go to congregate with like minded people who support their nonsense. The 22 year old OM is there too, and in that land there is no need for money and kids don't exist (because Mr Nice Guy will look after them... thats you)

Its an uncomfortable situation to be in, and I can relate my brother. I've been exactly where you are.