My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment

[Chris73]

The title says it all folks. 2017 is here and it's time for me to drop the rope.

My sitch has been well documented in many threads. The last one is here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2721509

I don't want to rehash the details here, but I will say that the holidays were very stressful. My WW and I had 2 big relationship discussions. Both of them totally initiated by me, knowing full well that I was just making things worse, but still not accepting the fact that honesty, logic, and reasoning can't win back a WW. Suffice it to say that I believe my W is in the very thick fog of a PA/EA. I don't have hard evidence, but I know for sure that she stayed out all night on Jan 1st and was NOT at the location she claimed to be. The lies just keep piling up.

It has taken me two full months of posting on this board and reading Sandi2's comments to finally realize that my W still has my b@lls in a bag. She has absolutely no respect for me. All she feels for me is anger and resentment. Any friendliness on her part is simply to keep my b@lls in her possession, while we live under the same roof but separated.

She's getting away with murder. She does whatever she wants and knows that her home is still there, her kids are well taken care of, and if for some reason she wants back in the marriage, it's available. All the while, I swallow my pride, suffer silently, and pine away for this woman because I love her and I want to keep my family together.

But no more. I have read Sandi2's WW threads over and over again. And every time something else happens in my MR, I head to the board and Sandi2 has not only already predicted it, but explains why it happened and how to react. And yet I still ignore her advice... "Oh my sitch is different," I say to myself. Well actually, it isn't. It's textbook WW selfishness. So consider this my awakening. I guess I just didn't want to believe it.

Now in my defense I have tried to apply some of Sandi2's rules and the LRT, but I'm still very much attached to my WW and my actions are all perfectly calculated to illicit a reaction from her. I "act as if" I'm moving on with my life but it's not a very convincing act. And only until today did I realize that I really need to "act as if" the M is over, because regardless of where the two of us end up, the M really IS over.

But today I am committing to following Sandi2's rules and advice to the letter. I'm going to need a lot of help along the way so I implore all of you to chime in anytime. This thread will serve as a journal for me and I will try to post often. Obviously my ultimate goal is to try to jar my W out of her A fog and get her to start piecing. But this goal is very far off right now. What I really need to do immediately is reclaim my b@lls and make it clear to my WW that her free ride is over.

I have an appointment for an initial consultation with a lawyer on Friday. My goal is to convince my W that she should move out, but I need a backup plan when she refuses (and she will) and knowing what some of my basic rights are will help. Plan B will likely be the separation of finances and possibly her removal from my medical insurance. She doesn't have any chronic illness so there's no need for me to feel guilty.

If you've read any of my other threads you'll know that we had planned a trip to Disney World for the 2nd week in January and we both still plan to go despite the current situation. So I will continue to keep the peace at home and not bring up the changes I listed above until after we get back. I know it sounds like a cop-out, but I really want my kids to enjoy their first trip to Disney. There's no need to have a discussion about what's going to happen after we get back. It will just make the vacation more tense.

I have claim over the MBR and will keep it that way. My WW has been sleeping on the couch for about 3 weeks now. Over the holiday we spent more time together than Sandi2 advises, but that will stop now. And most importantly, no more R talks. I'm done. Nothing good has ever come out of any of them but because I have a "fix-it" mentality, I just keep trying. In addition to this I will try my best to not initiate any conversation and be brief when she initiates. This is really the hardest part because I have to remember to always be upbeat and positive, yet reserved and pulled back. This is very hard for me to do and many times I come off as cold or angry. This is what I need to work on the most. If she knows the sitch is still bothering me, she still has my b@lls.

Not sure what else to add at this point. I have a lot of changes to make for myself, to get my mojo back, to be the guy that my W initially fell in love with, even if she never comes back. I welcome all comments and advice, but mostly I ask for encouragement. This tough love is harder than anything else I've ever had to do.

[AndrewP]

Chris73 - And one very important thing to remember is that you WILL have setbacks, you WILL make "mistakes". Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going.

[PatientMan]

You sound good. Really think about your boundaries inside the house and while on vacation so you are equipped with a plan. If you have questions, ask them.

Some general things to think about and focus on:

Be someone who can look back on his actions and be proud of the way he conducted himself. With honor, integrity, perseverance, kindness, compassion, love, forgiveness, goodness, and as someone who ALWAYS did what he thought was right. Be that man, and you will be proud no matter the results.

1) Learn to let go of control. This is obvious and easy to say, but much harder to do. However, it is critical to your recovery.
2) Learn to forgive. Most importantly, learn to forgive yourself.
3) Always do the right thing, no matter how difficult it is.
4) Act honorably.
5) Go out of your way to do something nice for someone else today.
6) Make today great! Don't wait for it to happen.

A small start on "detachment".

[lt0402]

Chris73 - And one very important thing to remember is that you WILL have setbacks, you WILL make "mistakes". Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going.

Chris73 - And one very important thing to remember is that you WILL have setbacks, you WILL make "mistakes". Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going.

Chris, AP hits the nail on the head here. It's easy to let yourself fall off the path when a mistake is made. Know that it will happen and just push through it.

I'm not as familiar with your situation but it sounds like you and I have similar issues. I'll catch up and see if I can add anything that may help. I love the fact that you have a plan now and some determination to create change though.

Expect to stumble, we all do. Keep your head down, grind through it, and stay strong. Will catch up

[Chris73]

Thanks Andrew and PatMan! I'm sure I will be asking tons of questions.

Just got done with a 60 min meditation session at the local Buddhist temple. Now I'm sipping bourbon waiting for my train home. Was hoping to get home in time to read to my son before bed but it's not going to happen. I think I need to learn how to detach from my kids as well as my W. With all this going on I've been hyper sensitive to spend as much time with them as possible. I guess as a way of strengthening the bond before things get worse. But I've been a great dad for 8 years now and I can't stress about missing bedtimes. My W misses them twice a week, every week. I know my kids love me.

[Chris73]

Expect to stumble, we all do. Keep your head down, grind through it, and stay strong. Will catch up

Thanks lt. It's quite a saga...

[Chris73]

Got home late, but to my delight my son was still awake and I got to talk with him for a few minutes. He's such a cool kid. And this is the part that kills me. My parents divorced when I was his age. And I definitely have some issues that still need working through because of it. I never wanted that for him. And my W and I always swore to each other that we would never let it happen. Of course now she's changed her tune, emphasizing the idea that "kids are resilient, they'll adapt." Quite a convenient point of view considering her behavior lately.

Anyway, I've been trying to get my head around how to behave when you're "going dark," which is what Sandi2 suggests when there is an A going on. When I see my W for the first time in the morning or when I get home, I say Hi and she says Hi. I think not saying Hi is rude. We also say Goodnight to each other. I'm sure I'm overthinking but it seems like the devil is in the details. Of course I'm not going to ask her how her day was. Of course I'm not going to kiss her. But "hello" and "goodnight" seem courteous to me. I'm not trying to be rude.

Thoughts...?

[Last79]

I think your right. I had been going dark during our in house seperation with no hellos or goodbyes, goodnights. I feel like it just creates a more hostile environment and comes across cold which isn't good. We are now physically separating soon, planning logistics out now. I definately will be saying hello and goodbyes then.

[MoveFrwd]

Obviously my ultimate goal is to try to jar my W out of her A fog and get her to start piecing.

Why don't you set goals that are within your control? You can't use her out of her dog - a better goal is to be in a healthy R. It's much easier and more fulfilling to work towards that goal. Otherwise your actions will tend towards trying to influence her and not focused on you.

[ForGump]

Chris-

It's good to detach. Not sure about going dark. Sandi would say yes, and I'd probably agree, but MWD's DB coaches likely will advocate a warmer approach.

Anyhow, don't fall into the trap of focusing on your WW. Go GAL and rediscover yourself, and be the guy your wife would be a fool to leave.

The word on the street is that there is no path to reconciliation through in-house separation. And it makes sense to me. So prepare yourself for some tough times....