WAS vs MLC..not sure it really makes a diffence

[MrBond]

'I just have such a hard time with the fact that he makes no effort to communicate with me. It is as if I never existed'

Too much emphasis on him again. What are your goals as detailed in DB and DR?

[peacetoday]

HI

You are still pretty new at this and it definitely takes time to adjust grieve and accept

We are always moving forward toward acceptance..sometimes we step back and thats ok too

Just continue to do as you are taking good care of you,,crying when you need to, reaching for support reading resting sleeping and try to eat-

I can promise you that it will get better for you

as time goes on you will see into the unhappy live of the MLCer and the OW is simply a bandaid usually they affair down and pick a younger gal with a lot of issues-it will be for them to work out in the end..most A will not last and even if they do they will never find the utopia they left to get

[skyhigh]

So glad you had a good day. I wish you many more.

While I was reading your latest post a few questions came to my mind. You must know me by now, I am the brainstorming lady... Remember they are just ideas.

Does he still have free access to your home?
If yes, remember to lock your computer and delete the history, and hide your DB books. MLCers do snoop +++, I realized mine was snooping when he didn't put back some papers in their envelopes or in their usual places, I am super organized. I was quite surprised coming from somebody who could care less about my whereabouts.

Did he use to let you know when he was coming to check on the dogs?
If no, you might let him know that it will be preferable, so you can stage your place (travel books, seminars, sports activities, 5K... may be something else it's up to you) so he can have a sense of you changing/living well even without him.

You wrote " I also know that he wants to help me with them he just doesn't know how to do that.", may be you can ask him to help you in a very friendly manner and be specific. Can you take the dogs to the park so they can run/exercise or with you because ... ? Can you take them to the vet?
It could help him to reconnect with you without emotional pressure/reconciliation talks if he wishes to do that. It's a way to open a door, to lend a hand with no pressure.
Just remember it's a long journey and progress, if there are any will be very slow and very subtile.

If he contact you or speak to you, watch your language +++, MLCers are very "sensitive" to words, they have a strong tendency to interpret and twist words and thoughts to either valid what they did or to valid the decision they should take if they are ambivalent and cannot decide. Ambivalence is very often present but they don't express it, they are trying to figure out what they can change in their life to feel better and younger, but usually nothing works for long and then they realize they have to make a real life decision for good, but still cannot decide (again the twisted MLCer mind), so they look to others reactions to decide, to go on either side of the fence. So if you try to push him to your side (reconciliation talks, emotional pressures, spew, talking about the AP...), he will go to the other side, away from you.

Anyway with him or without him, you need to believe in yourself, you are strong. You can live by yourself and thrive, I know it's a "tough" concept to grasp, but time is on your side. Step by step... Somehow this journey made me a even better person, I became so empathetic to others while I wish I never had to go through it.

I remember trying to help a student whom from polite became very "moody" in 2 months of time, when suddenly in my mind I had that light bulb (may be he is going through a tough time at home, I knew nothing of his personal life and didn't ask), so I went to talk to his counselor and to the school psychologist to voice my concerns, they did some research and found that he was living with his grandmother and she was dying of cancer, he was afraid of being homeless with no place to live and nobody caring for him. We figured out a solution so he didn't have to be in foster care... what were my issues compare to his?

I no longer wait for my husband to validate me, if he makes a compliment I appreciate it but I know my value. I am valuable and lovable even without him so you are.

Have a nice week end, sleep, relax, watch a comedy with your dogs snuggling next to you. Be.

[skm0619]

Hi peacetoday......thank you for taking time to give me some kind words. Kicking and screaming I am learning that taking care of me really is the best thing to do right now. I'm not sure what clicked inside of me but something did. I just hope that this continues.

I am not certain that there is another OW, but that really shouldn't matter anymore. What I am trying not to do is look back on how I was when we were married because all that does is make me sad. It makes me see that I was not the best version of myself and I did not treat him how I should have, and is that what made him cheat? Like I have said before I know I contributed to how he felt during our marriage and I acknowledge that I could have most certainly done better. BUT I will not accept responsibility for his choice to have an affair.

I know he is struggling emotionally, not to mention financially. He has to figure that out on his own and I really hope that he does. I don't think he is happy right now with who he is. I do think he enjoys being on his own and not having to make decisions based on what someone else might think about it, or how they would react to it.

I think I mentioned that he is going to a Landmark Forum in February which is a 3 day intensive forum to help people with their personal goals. Maybe he will get some benefit from it.

Skyhigh....
Yes he does still have access to the house. He will usually text or call me to tell me that he is going to see the dogs. He does not come when I am home obviously.

I don't have any issue with him being here when I'm not. He has even changed my air filters and done small things around the yard for me before, without my asking, which is nice. I will definitely keep an eye on my things.

Since I have returned from my trip he has not made any effort to contact me to see the dogs, and he is aware that we are back.

I mentioned to you that I sent him a text about how our dog did after surgery. That was on Wednesday and he still has not responded to that text. I was thinking since I am working this weekend I would ask him if he could help, especially since the little one will be in his crate all day. I do have a friend coming to check on them, but I know she wont give the attention to them that he would.

I just don't know how much or how little I can reach out to him and have him not acknowledge me. I guess that is the "no expectations" thing everyone talks about.

I have been on my own for over a year now. I did not think I would last one week in the beginning. I do still cry and am still very sad, but I cant let that keep me from becoming better.

I have found that I am more aware of how I speak to people and how I interact with them. I work in a stressful environment dealing with people's lives, and I am learning to be more sensitive to their needs. In the past when a tough conversation needed to happen I used to say I need to have a "come to Jesus" with them. Well I guess this was a "come to Jesus" for me

When I read the 6 stages of a MLC I was shocked at how accurate it was. It was like it was describing my H. He is totally ambivalent also. I know that he mentioned to his parents that he was having a tough time trying to make a decision about his life. Now, that was back in November so I am not sure what he is thinking now.

I hope you are right when you say "time is on my side" because sometimes I feel like enough time has passed and nothing has really changed.

[job]

Even though you may think things haven't changed, they are changing each and every day. Look at how far you have come! As for your h, you can't see the changes because they are changes that need to be made internally within his heart, soul and mind. He's got a lot of healing to do and that is going to take some time, this crisis has been building up for many years and finally bubbled up to the surface.

If your h hasn't responded back to you about the dog's surgery, then I suspect he can't deal w/the fact that the dog was ill. MLCers have a difficult time dealing w/death, illness and people/pets that are ill. If you text him about coming over to help w/the dog, I would suggest that you just say something like "h, I'm working this weekend, would you be able to come over and check on the dog while I'm gone?" Leave it in his ball park to decide whether to say yes or no...but keep your expectations very low.

As for the 6 stages of MLC, use it as a guideline, but don't rely on the timelines as they will vary from person to person, as each person is unique and so is their crisis and it will take as long as it takes for them to go thru it or remain stuck. Posters who have read the stages tend to be so focused on them and try to map out when their spouses started which stage and how long that stage will last. Unfortunately, that's not how MLC works...the stages are not linear, but that the MLCer can and will bounce back and forth through the stage 2-5 for quite some time.

I do think you've got a good handle on your situation. I do hope the dog is recovering well and I'm sure you are giving him/her all of the love and attention that will help him/her heal faster.

[skyhigh]

Nice post Job!

Try to send him that message, may be he needs a non pressuring sign from you, since apparently he does "act of kindness" when he comes around the house.

[skm0619]

Job...

Thank you for the post. The dog is recovering. He is limited on mobility right now and that is making things difficult for both of us.

I'm sure things are changing I just don't see them. I am the type of person that needs to see things in order to understand them.

As expected I have not heard back from the H about helping with the dogs this weekend. And I suspect I will not hear from him either. He used to ignore me for weeks at a time when he first moved out of the house.

I also think he is spending more time with this new OW, and can not be bothered with me or the dogs right now. My gut is telling me that is the case, and my gut has been right in the past when it came to her and also other issues with him (like finding out about his affair).

I might sound like I have it together and that I am making the right decisions and learning, but in all honestly I don't really think I am My every thought is about him and what is he (and she) doing.

[SBJ]

2 Corinthians 5:7
For we walk by faith, not by sight.

Give your H and your M to your higher power to work on...then all you have worry about is yourself. Easy for me to say as I am also struggling with it, but I am trying. As they say...one day at a time.

[skyhigh]

So sorry he didn't contact you but sadly your gut's feeling might be right.
Trust them most of the time they are right. That's something I wrote in a letter to my daughter for her AP English class project, I regretted not trusting them earlier.

You are a wonderful caring and courageous nurse, remember what you are giving to your patients is never lost, you are touching their life in such intimate level when they need it the most. I know first hand how tough it is to work with very sick patient, how depressing sometimes it could be, but remember you are making a difference. You are valuable et lovable. Never forget that.

Keep working on yourself as tough as it is, it will become better (not overnight), find your "endorphins". Write a list of what you would like to do and then implement a step by step plan. Remember there is always set backs and delays and that's just part of life.

Bye, I have to fix my kitchen faucet...not really my "endorphin" thing but it has to be done... since somebody is sick with the cold and acting as a big baby upstairs...

[skm0619]

[b]I sent my H the text asking if he could help with the dogs at 7:05pm Friday evening and he answered me at 10:15am Saturday. I am just curious what has him so busy that it takes him 15 hours to answer a text?

I ended up calling and speaking to him (after I asked him first if it was okay to call). I haven't spoken to him since November. He was nice. I did ask him how his holidays were and he made DARN SURE to tell me that he has been out socializing. He only asked me how I was and how my holidays were AFTER I asked him how he was. He said he would help with the dogs, but made DAMN sure he told me....not once but twice....that he had plans tonight so he would do his best to get over to them.

My friend texted to see if he was going over so I texted him and of course it took him 30 minutes to answer me. We couldn't wait so she went to check on them herself. When he finally answered he said he was sorry, he was sleeping (not really sure I believe that)??

It took everything I had not to let him know that I am aware he is seeing someone and I would appreciate it if he would be respectful of me when he is out with her. BUT....I decided not to say anything to him.

I was very nice, and was very upbeat and complimentary with him about things. I thanked him for helping me out with the dogs. I just want you to know that was VERY DIFFICULT for me to do!! I felt like I was having to bite my tongue!!

I asked him if he was okay, and did it feel weird speaking to me and he said it was weird, but not really weird, it was just that we had not spoken in a while. How am I going to do this? I don't know if I can continue to be this way knowing he is not willing to make an effort to speak to me, and not to mention carrying on with someone new?

WHO IS THIS MAN????