Yes I do know what it means. But did you ever notice that name is exactly how you see yourself in you relationship? You have to stop seeing yourself as an outsider and start working. Too much of what you're concentrating on is on her. Get back to the mindset of when you were single and didn't care what anyone thought of you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes I do know what it means. But did you ever notice that name is exactly how you see yourself in you relationship? You have to stop seeing yourself as an outsider and start working. Too much of what you're concentrating on is on her. Get back to the mindset of when you were single and didn't care what anyone thought of you.
To be quite honest, I hadn't thought of it that way. But now that you mention it I suppose I do see myself that way in my relationship (or lack thereof). That's a pretty powerful statement of getting back to the mindset of when I was single....That was 13 years ago, I'm not quite sure I even remember that mindset. Nevertheless, I am going to do my best to take everyone's advice. I did work out last night at home, and took some benadryl and got almost 5 hours of sleep (which is really good as of lately). I have lunch plans with a supplier/friend from work today so hopefully the company will entice my appetite a little. Another colleague wants me to go to the gym with him in the morning tomorrow at 5AM....I hate mornings lol. I'll probably go despite my disdain for mornings.
No snooping at all last night, but still obsessed about it. Mind movies have been consistently prevalent for the past 3 days. Seems to be the worst in the mornings, at night, and in the shower for some reason. Occasionally they hit at other random times, but that is when they are the worst.
Good for you Lowai - wow, that would be an early start! Five hours sleep is pretty good, and your sleep will improve over time as you recover from the initial trauma and become more settled.
I would encourage you to 'accept all invites' for a while. It's something I did and I found myself going places I would never have gone before. I have no regrets there. Also I found that one thing leads to another if you reach out and interact with people.
Just to give an example, I booked to go on this two day dancing event over New Year. When it came to the day - I DID NOT want to go. However, I made myself go and I had a good time. I also got invited to a Celidh (sorry about spelling) this weekend by someone at the dance event - result!
I would encourage you to drop the snooping mechanism. You may actually need to remove the option for you to snoop in order to deal with that one. Is it the cell phone and would handing the plan over to your W sort that one out?
I can hear you sounding a little better in your posts already my friend - you are definitely getting on to the right path here
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
"That was 13 years ago, I'm not quite sure I even remember that mindset."
It's easy. You just have to start doing the things you love FOR YOURSELF.
Ah man, I know this feeling! And I totally get your answer as well, Mr Bond.
Except mine was 18 years ago. And I can barely remember the stuff I was interested in, before I met H...a whole lifetime ago. Geesh.
Nevertheless, dig deep and think about the stuff you used to do that gave you pleasure. Stuff that's not connected with your WS. And find classes, groups, workshops...stuff that will fill your time, and *stop you ruminating*.
Then think of stuff that you would be interested in trying that's never even crossed your mind before and do that too (I'm almost at this point).
Those things will help reconnect you to yourself.
Also physical activity (if the stuff you're interested in isn't physical) will help reconnect you to your (physical) self. That's important too, to feel at home in your physical self, to take pleasure in being in your physical self.
Because everything is so flipping darn painful at the moment.
It takes time, but as well as that, it takes strength and determination. Even one tiny step (figuring out what you want to try and looking it up online) is a small step forwards, or going to the gym. And if you count up lots and lots and lots of tiny steps, after a week/month/whatever, you've actually traveled pretty far, and are building something solid *for yourself* that nobody can take away from you.
Plus you get to meet new people who have absolutely no connection to your WS, and you as the partner of your WS. They just get to know you as a distinct human being And that's very empowering as well.
Me personally, I'm playing around a little with this side of things. How do I want to be? Who do I want to be? For so long I was in WH's shadow, in every sense of the word...socially, work situations, everything. Now it's all about me. Who am I and who do I want to be? Up to meet decide :))
If you aren't ready to go for a formal agreement (I left that far longer than was sensible and suffered financially for a couple of years as a result) at least keep a close eye on financials to make sure spending stays sensible.
I'm re-reading all of these responses as I have been reading some other forums as well so I am trying to align all of the advice.
@Sotto: Can you explain what you mean by "I left that far longer than was sensible and suffered financially for a couple years as a result"?
Why do you feel you left it too long? How would did it impact you financially? What would have been different if you had done it sooner?
Another question I have for you all, especially Sandi: Yesterday my W texted me and for the first time since all of this started asked me something regarding the relationship. Please tell me what you make of this line of quesitoning? Here is the text: W-If we weren't married and were just dating, would you still want to try to make things work? Me-What kind of question is that? We ARE married. Where did that come from? W-Just thinking. Yes we are. But that's not the question. Me-Ok. I guess I just don't see the point in the question. Her-Ok, well then don't answer. No Problem. Sorry to bother you.
I see it as her justifying giving up. I would not read anything into it. IMO reading ANYTHING into it is a dead end. Water off of a duck's back and move forward...
