Honestly I am torn about this. The big question is what is your boundary? If she confirms that you guys can date other people then would you be able to handle that? In my case that would be an absolute no. I have tried picturing this and my stomach twists up and I feel ill. So if this is your response to the visualization of your wife being other men while living under your roof then for your own sanity, nix it. Remember to control your reactivity and stay calm and compassionate.
I see a lot of benefit for her but nothing but pain for you. That is just not reasonable.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
FG, I am so sorry to hear that your W is filing for D, however I think her suggestion to remain together while she gets her career off the ground is unrealistic and selfish. I agree with the other posters, you need to get some distance now for your own sanity. She needs to feel the consequences of her decisions and know that you are not a doormat enabling her fantasy lifestyle.
(((FG))
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hi FG, Just reading your thread - and I am so sorry for your situation. I don't know what i would do in your situation - earlier i would have said - suck it up for the children, give them one more year of "normalcy". Now - i am almost certain i would say no.
FG -- I am so sorry to read this this AM. I know it must be gutting. My W is going to have to file in the next month or so if she wants to stay on course for her summer move-out, and I'm dreading it, even though I've known for some time it is going to happen.
Honestly, I don't see a lot of upside in her proposal. But if there is one, it would be the possible benefit to your children you mention. However, I think you need to honestly ask yourself if you could effectively parent while your W was dating other people and living in your house while she does so. I know my ability to parent, to be present for them, to be a calm, stable force for them, would be compromised, and I wouldn't be able to give them the one benefit this arrangement might otherwise provide, because I'd be so preoccupied and stressed. And just flat out pissed at my W's selfishness. Could you do it?
All of the other aspects of this line up in favor of saying no. As others have said, this is cake eating to the max. I don't know if you have any hope or desire for R at this point, but I can't see where agreeing to this and then doing it would do anything but accelerate and confirm her feelings that you're just a good friend-type figure in her life. Whereas moving her out and letting her get a taste of what your removal really feels like, could (though certainly might not) move things in the other direction. At some point, you need to think of yourself in this, too. Like me, you're not getting any younger. While I'm sure she'd have to agree that dating would go both ways, I just don't see you out there tearing it up and actively dating with your wife still at home. But at some point, that will be a part of your life again. This just pushes that further and further down the road. You'd be in limbo, but the sort of limbo that doesn't have any hope for improvement until her predetermined time period expires. If it's really all over (and her filing does suggest that), why not use the year to heal and recover and get co-parenting down with an eye toward getting back out there sometime in 2018? If you agree to this, you'll spend a year in hell, then probably need quite a bit of additional time when she finally does move out. It's ok to think about your life and needs, too.
This [censored]. I feel so sad that you have to face it, but I know you'll do it like you've always done things: with strength and honor.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Told her can't do it. Actually wrote her that yesterday, immediately after posting my question. I just knew I couldn't be in the same house while she was seeing other people. Good to have your input/confirmations though.
Things are in flux. I'll be posting more, I'm sure.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
You made the right decision asserting your boundaries. That proposal was cake eating on her part, if my novice brain understands it correctly. And despite the tough love, and perhaps anger from her, your boundaries that you set are very respectable. Had you agreed to it, your children would suffer through the tension and your misery.
Lastly, it puts you squarely in the friend zone. It's all (love/marriage) or nothing, right? I think so.
If its going to happen its going to happen,I think your best bet is find a way and try and get her out soon as,or it will just linger and not help you at all'
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
