Ex simply did not work as a team unit. He functioned based on what was best for him. When I tried to get him to work torwards family needs he made it out like I was a nag, controlling, or needy. He feels that he was the one who sacrificed everything. I don't feel that way at all. He was completely avoidant, and lived independently.
I look back and I am honestly repulsed by him. But I also feel traumatized and obsessed and that's a hard one. The way I felt during the entire marriage was frusturated by husband. So at one point I was frusturated and now I am repulsed.
Really, he was copying his own family dynamics though. He thinks he is right. I don't believe he regrets anything. His mother said to me once "he doesn't know better. That's how his father was" when I complained that he wasn't spending time with son. So at least I know it's not just me.
Regarding the slave/master analogy. I did have characteristics of the "slave". I was really disorganized regarding finances. I basically was overwhelmed And just left it up to him. I think there were points in which I tried, and it just turned into fights. I don't know if he was embarassed at having to admit to being unable to save, or if he was intentionally keeping info from me. But really this was an area I was really negligent in and it's coming back to bite me.
The words and vocabulary, I use were dead on to turtles descriptions of slave words. The "I don't knows". And the passivity. But I don't know about husband. husband was simply not around. So I don't think he necessarily controlled me. More that he refused to be part of our marriage and family. And that's what confused me.
Had he controlled it would have meant he was looking to lead and participate in a family.... in an unhealthy way yes, but at least he woukd have wanted a part of the family in some way regardless.
Admittedly that passivity attributed to turtles slave, definatly stems from my own irresponsibility, anxiety (that often causes procrastination) and laziness.
Something I struggle with. But am tackling... More out of necessity then anything.
The not participating is control. It's deliberate to be independent.
It is assuming he does not need to involve himself in his M or with his child, it is deciding not to involve you in fins. Because as a separate you, there is no existence. Extension over whom any decision he makes is absolute.
That is my view.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I hope you had a good Christmas. Gosh I have just caught up with your sitch and it's my situation to a T. I'm wondering if your H isn't my H's brother as they are so much alike in their behaviour ( minus affair for your H).
I perfectly understand your fears as I had the same but at one point your H needs to be accountable for being a father and he needs to learn how to be a dad. At the beginning I have let H have free reigns on when he could pick up/ dropped kids out of fear that I was a bad mother and I hav realised that it was only fear of what H and kids would think about me. I changed when one time I had made plans (and was really looking forward it) and H tried to change his time last minute. My heart raced when I said no and I thought I'd die but I didn't. I also noticed that H was trying it on like he did with my SD's mother as she would always dropped everything to accommodate H, but it was only working one way (his way!). So I knew that I couldn't be like her, H needed to take responsibility for his kids and deal with them like an adult when he has them. So far I can say he is doing well and that is good for my kids.
What I'm trying to say is that if you don't stand your ground, you are not respecting yourself and your right to do things you like and have fun. What could be the worst outcome? It's out of your control if H has your S that day. It's his problem.
Vanilla, I never thought of my husband as the vengeful, spiteful type that would consciously and deliberately withdraw affection, and engagement. I can understand someone being depressed, or under stress....which is what I was telling myself the year or 2 before BD.
But these were his exact words after a fight over me asking for child support early after he left.
"Nothing will change for you. It's not like you have had my affection".
I always think about these words. And it does show a conscious and deliberate knowledge of disengagement.
I really don't understand that or a person that would do that, yet not communicate with me. I know I shouldn't waste time trying to understand how's or whys, but seriously. That's pretty f'd up.
Rouky, I agree. Although I'm not sure if husband was having affairs. Never proof, but ex was expert at keeping everything private and I was too overwhelmed with things to really investigate. He had trouble performing though, so that might be the only reason. I'm not sure though. Maybe he had trouble performing just with me?
I am glad you are being more firm with husband. I have that mom guilt and he exploits it. (he does that with his mom as well) I worry I am not a good mom if I refuse.
I ended up keeping my plans for New Years eve weekend, but in a passive way not in a direct way. Still a start.
I have to say, all signs point to your H being a very very depressed individual. Like seriously clinically depressed.
My mother was. Well, she was bipolar, but not on the manic side as often as the majorly depressive.
Everything you describe your H to do, was what my mother did. Sleep most of the day. Very uninterested in being involved in my life from pretty much birth. Had no desire to be a part of the family. She brought me to the peak of absent days from school because she simply didn't feel like waking up and driving me 2 minutes. Any activity I was interested in she talked me out of because she didn't want to bring me. Her depression kept her distance, withdrawn, and passive. Unless she was high on coke or high from a trip to atlantic city (my mom traded her drug addiction for a gambling addiction after she got clean) she was completely passive and withdrawn.
I come to believe your ex's passivity is depression.
The good news is, my dad offered stability, interest and love in my life. That is why I didn't become a total screw up and I became somewhat successful (except in the area of romantic relationships). So your influence in your sons life will certainly make the difference for him. I am proof! I do hope maybe someone close to your H, like his mother will help him realize he needs help. She's enabling his depression right now and he is not feeling the need to get help. he needs it.
I am glad you kept your NYE plans. No mom guilt for you. You deserve a life.
He had to have been depressed. We had both moved in with my parents for a year. That was horrible and if we didn't we probably would not be divorced. Unhappy yes. But probably not divorced.
He worked so much though and was really good at his job. If he wasn't they would have gotten rid of him for coming in late all the time.
But I think being married made him depressed. Not being able to make it here made him depressed. And I think he was modeling his parents marriage and I was modeling mine. We were dysfunctional.
I wonder if he is happier now? No responsibility and he gets to work without someone complaining. He has no one to answer to. I am sure he is happier.
To be honest, I think I would be fine with all of this if I was able to afford my own place for me and son.
Starting this new year in a slump. I want to feel light and free, but instead I feel heavy and depressed. I feel like I'm in a hopeless situation regarding living arrangements and finances. I don't really see an answer. I'm sick Over the lawyer fees. And I'm wondering if my ex was right..,that we should have went through mediation. I'm regretting not going with a less expensive lawyer.
I feel like I'm recovering from a really stressful past few months and it's hard to get back on the horse. I don't really have any clear set goals that I feel good about. I'm just getting through one day at a time.
This will be the year the divorce is settled though. My ex seems so damn pleasant. I don't trust him or his pleasantness. And I wonder if my current state proves that I am the negative, vindictive, depressed individual that he got away from.
Keeping time for myself on New Years eve felt good though. Asking for expenses husband owes me feels good too. I remember back on BD how much I was trying to appease him and how selfish he was being. I remember his resentment and anger too. And now the pleasantness he exhibits is confusing. Like he's so happy to be moving on with his life. Like he was never that person he was during and before BD.
As I've said before, I don't want him back. I'm physically and emotionally repulsed by him and the way he treated me before and when he left. I mirror him and keep things polite and professional. Perhaps I over dramatize interactions with him...to tell myself, yup this is that person that treated me the way he did.
I still feel traumatized by the way he was before and after he left and I have trouble letting it go.
I fully related with the negativity. I have read several articles indicating that it takes 21 days to change an habit! For the last 5 days I have been saying kind things to me and reading a lot of positive posts. It takes times and energy to change your mindset but believe me it is working. My view on life has changed and I can clearly see that I was very negative and that must have been really hard for H to come back to a house with so much negativity.
I started to say two positive sentences to start with then just added two more today.
1) I deserve to be loved by someone. 2) I deserve to be happy. 3) I love you. This one is really hard for me to believe but I'm prepared to stick with it. And the last one which I find really hard: I forgive myself for falling in love with H when I ignored the big red signals.
What I'm trying to say is choose two positives things and repeat them several times everyday until it sinks in and you believe it.
You will get there Ju, and I'll be with you right by your side. We can do it together.
