Another WW

[Woke_Up]

Not a good idea... not only does it complicate things it doesn't feel good and doesn't justify what she is doing. My W at one point was encouraging me to "go out and date" to which I responded thanks but not really interested.

Seems like a standard tactic to assuage guilt on behalf of the WW. Mine keeps mentioning a friend (widowed mother of one of D's school friends) and that she likes me and all of that stuff. Even said she could put in a good word at one point... I just keep saying I have no interest in other women.

Yes, the thoughts of having your feelings, needs, emotions reciprocated by someone is enticing, but if at the end of the day it is your W that you want that from then having a pale imitation will only leave all parties feeling sullied, IMO.

[Chris73]

For about a week I had a profile up on one of the dating websites. It was a reaction to my wife telling me that it would be "easier" for her to go through the emotional and financial burden of divorce rather than commit to working on a reconciliation. My profile clearly stated that I was separated and only looking for friendship, but deep down I knew that was just a ruse.

PatientMan is right. I miss the romantic and physical connection with my wife and thought I might be happy finding it elsewhere. But after a week I decided to take the profile down. Brining ANOTHER person into my mess is not an honorable thing to do.

Ironically, my W found out about the profile before I took it down and got really angry with me. My initial reaction was, "what do you expect?" and "if we're done, why do you care so much?" But I definitely regret doing it because she now has reason to doubt whether my words and actions are genuine.

Bottom line is that I (we) need to find peace/happiness within ourselves. It's definitely not fun to be alone and if you don't have many friends (like me) finding someone new to date is an easy way to cure that loneliness. But it's not worth it. Focus on your kids, family, and friends. And if you want to make new friends, go on meetup.com and find people who share your interests. That's what I'm doing now.

Btw, sorry about your situation. It $ucks. I mean it REALLY REALLY $ucks! Especially around this time of the year. But I've learned the hard way that you can only control your own actions. Stay strong!

[PacLove]

She said she doesn't like me anymore, I don't talk to her or support her and we are finished. I then said things like she was selfish and she never tried to save this marriage for us or the kids and if she can live with that let's move forward. She tried to validate her affair saying our marriage was over before the affair happened.

My W said almost all the same things about 8 months ago... it's typical verbiage for a WW as they are in an altered reality and not themselves. Now that the A is over, she's singing a slightly different tune - I wouldn't put a lot of stock in any of what she's saying right now. Work on yourself, set your boundaries up and recognize you can't control her or her decisions - she will need to realize those on her own.

[ForGump]

Last--

This is a good discussion. Helpful to me.

As PatientMan implied, I think you have to find your own moral compass and your own boundaries ... but if it were me, I could not live in the same house long-term w/ a wife who was clearly having a physical affair. I'd have to file.

You said you'd make your wife move out but ... you can ask but you can't legally make her do that.

Note that if you file, the court could evaluate the employability of your wife based on her education/training/skills and determine that she's responsible for earning a certain amount.

Anyhow, do all you can to take the high road.

[Last79]

Yes, I did read both of them. Maybe I should get them out again.

[Last79]

Chris73:

Thanks for the advice and giving your experience. I have been definately working on the friend thing. Been so focused on kids and wife the last 10 years I have lost touch with a lot of friends. I am planning a trip soon to go visit some so that will be good for me. Also thanks for the meetup.com site as I never heard of that and plan on checking it out. Your right it all sounds good to make up for the loneliness, but I dont think it would make me happy at this point.

ForGump:

It's been rough living together and knowing the affair was still going on. This week she somwewhat said that part was over, but I know they are still talking. It got to a point where she was not being a good mom with me being in the house cause she would ignore me, thus ignore the kids who were normally doing something with me. So we decided to keep the kids home and one of us would move out for the week and switch back and forth. Not ideal but really need to get her a job. I will talk to my lawyer about what you said, cause she is educated and should be able to get a decent job.

[ForGump]

Last-- google "earning capacity" and "divorce" together.

[MrBond]

"Yes, I did read both of them. Maybe I should get them out again."

And so based on the books, what did you write down as your goals and scheduled plan of action?

[Last79]

Update on my situation. My wife and I physically separated. We are leaving the kids in the house and one of us moves out for the week and stays with our respective parents. I had one week out and this is my week in. I can tell you I haven't been happier. No tension, less disagreements, no sleeping on the couch.
Leaving was hard the first day. The kids were upset, but seem to be adjusting. They still see both of us most days of the week cause the wife is helping watch the kids after school until I get home from work, and when I am out of the house, I still go to the kids activities in the evening and weekends. So we still get to see the kids at least for a short time everyday.
It's been an adjustment doing everything around the house and taking care of the kids. I have been physically exhausted, but mentally I feel the best I have in a long time.
Also on the affair part, I finally told the wife of the OM. I thought she had known, but apparently she did not and was very upset . She has since refused to talk to me, actually unfriended me on Facebook, not sure what I did, but I will let her deal with it as I know the first few weeks of discovery are hard. I have no clue what she and her husband are doing, but I do know my WW and the OM have since talked a lot less. They were talking on the phone for hours a day and it's only been a few days but it's down to a few minutes. I hope they end it for the sake of the children . I am not worried about our marriage at this time, as I know I will be fine with or without her in my life.

[Gordie]

During this time of separation, are you still going to DB in the hopes of future reconciliation or are you committed to divorce now? Good job in telling the OM's W; how did you do that? How/what did you tell the kids?