Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Surfer]

Mate. Glass raised from Londinium.

It is about focus on you. The reason you are here is because of you both. However, IMHO, the reason you stay in this sitch is due to WW attempting to keep you there. On the hook as such.

Just get off the hook. Do your thing. Get back to what YOU are. For a while she has taken your personal power. Don't let her carry on doing that. You must find your own mojo again. THIS is the key.

Yes you can call it dropping the rope, GAL, detach etc. But it is more simple. Just be you. You have not been for a while.

Enjoy the time be the man chap!

Surfer.

[Woke_Up]

I think you're right, I do think there is a lot of her reaching out just to make sure I am still there.

Tonight has been reasonably civil, although she was a bit touchy at times.

I erred, and snooped on her phone. Sipping acid indeed. Will be stronger next time. Yes, she is still communicating from the house (no surprise), yes she is occasionally slagging me off when she is in a bad mood - told him all bout the move to the MBR last weekend / calling me a rapist) - I shouldn't be surprised, then also defended me a bit when he then got all drunk and angry (a bit surprised).

Disappointed in my slip, had been doing a bit better on that front. However, didn't let it affect my manner in front of her. Stayed cool, calm and pleasant.

She tried to pull a control move - put the spare double bed from D's room into the spare room while I was out getting D, then started moaning that she didn't think she would be able to sleep tonight after I said was she OK with me coming into MBR tonight. It was meant to be tomorrow.

I then said not to worry, I would move bed back or use sofa bed in study. I moved bed back in the end, may as well be comfortable. I also said that if it was a problem long term I would have the study - she doesn't want this as she wants it as a study/library and has just been sorting it with new book cases, which we assembled yesterday. I can see this being a ruck before christmas, but I am adamant I want somewhere I can feel comfortable, particularly at Christmas.

I shouldn't second guess or mind read, but I suspect the thought of me being in there causes cognitive dissonance with her fantasy/web of lies she has spun with EAP.

I need to detach more, I'm still too easily available to her - I just struggle with GAL in current sitch. Long days, time with kids more important than anything else. I think I'll start by taking D out at weekends, on my own. Get some quality time in.

What are your thoughts on long term planning? I have been putting things off for long term that might cost money (seeing if we can get some more land from the farmer who has the field next to the house, looking at some sort of business that will keep W occupied during the day, that can be run from the land). We are in the country and have a couple of acres and always planned to do something with it. Do you think Long Term Planning is a good idea, let her see that there is still a future together, or something that should be dropped for now, so she sees what she will miss?

Anyway, you are right, I have not been myself for far too long. I shall find some time for me, stop wriggling like a worm on her fishing line. There's plenty for me to do. (including finding a new job as my contract is up at the end of Jan, which also gives me the excuse to be left alone. She understands this as she doesn't want me to be out of contract, and then suddenly finding times get hard.

All the best mate

[Surfer]

Mate

No long term planning.

Stop overthinking.

Windsor Davies inside (have you watched it?) outside. Chill.

Get it?

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Where are you based?

[Surfer]

Ah just seen. You are in the uk in the country.

I though I would expand on long term planning so you can understand where I cam coming from.

Long term planning is good for YOU (goals etc but take it steady is my view), but I think the long term planning you describe for her might not be so ideal. It can come across as chasing this sort of stuff. Personally, I think a shared goal is amazingly good but if you offer and she rejects it's not so ideal at all.

Also, mind reading I know, but 'run from the land' AKA "farming". Who's ambition is this? Who likes Countryfile more? You or W? If this is really something that you would like and she might not it could come across as controlling and deep down it might be. Also, her mind is not exactly crystal clear at the moment. Would you really want to set up a business for someone in this state. You have probably already established that if you were meeting her from the start, and she was in this state (no kids involved etc) you would run a mile. So why would you start a new farming business with her? Be careful with thoughts like this your "subconscious bias" can be your enemy. A final point, you might see W running a farm business, it's all Little House on the Prairie. She might see her making a business she can own, make hers, set her up as such so she can be financially independent and have an affair with OM - not really a shared goal! She has very different views and desires to you right now. Or she might just enjoy destroying the Little House on the Prarie to get a control kick.

I hope that explains. It's great being there to validate and listen right now. But really you need to close down the potential for conflict to create new good times. New happy feelings so these can replace the bad feelings she has when she looks at the R. This will take time and patience. It's all about getting rid pd of old habits and cresting new ones really and we all know that habits are hard to break. She will need to do this too and that is the hard thing. She doesn't even know she has bad habits yet. Even if told she might not accept them let alone work on them or be successful.

This is a very slow moving thing. Best shift into a very low gear. Fast long term plans won't help. Shared goals will, but let them come from her. I guess if she was to suggest a farm etc. You should be very "OK what would that look like?" Let her build the dream aspens describe if it sounds like your dream too then work towards it. But she would still need to have done all the work and be "fully baked" as such.

I hope this helps.

Surfer.

[Woke_Up]

Where are you based?

East Anglia but work in London

[Woke_Up]

Mate

Stop overthinking.

Easier said than done. Working on it, I'm a compulsive over thinker and internal narrator.

Windsor Davies inside (have you watched it?) outside. Chill.

I did watch it. That took me back a few years. It gets the point across though, had me chuckling thinking about it as I drove to the supermarket with D today.

Working on the chill. Trying to be a curious observer to these interactions.

Thanks

[Surfer]

The overthinking and internal narration is a sign of attachment I am afraid. You wouldn't overthink about someone you have no attachment to. It's also hard to detach when living together. But it's something you keep working on. I think of it as being in that head space when you are able not to be taken on the rollercoaster as she spews.

Surfer.

[Woke_Up]

Ah just seen. You are in the uk in the country.

I thought I would expand on long term planning so you can understand where I cam coming from.

That's cool, I get what you are saying about shared goals. To cut to the chase, most of these are her ideas, and it's not farming per se - it's ideas such as getting a few stables and maybe doing a bit of a small livery business, or kennels or such. Nothing firmed up yet.

I'm all for it, having a bit more land and doing something useful with it, and would happily support W doing this... BUT, it won't necessarily be cheap to invest in a business and that was my concern, more to lose if it all goes wrong... not a positive attitude, I know.

anyway, meant to post this yesterday, didn't get the peace and quiet to finish it. Have as good a Christmas Day as you can. Enjoy the time with the kids. That's what I'm focusing on today.

Peace

[Woke_Up]

Well, at the moment, there is little spewing. I have been back in the MBR the last 2 nights without any problem. Let's see how this continues.

I'm still having trouble controlling my snooping. It is my weakness. She managed to go until 15:30 on Christmas day without communicating with OM. Then she did a bot on & off after that.

Interesting thing (from a detached standpoint) was applying the drama triangle to her interactions with OM. WW was a bit standoffish to start with, and he immediately moved into talking about his anxiety, until he had to say he would swallow his anxiety and need a drink (he drinks a lot) until he got the reaction he wanted from her. Classic rescuer to victim to victim/martyr, until she moved into rescuer. Almost tempted to let her know about the drama triangle and see if she can figure it out, but at this stage, I think I need to work on my self knowledge, awareness and understanding before I worry about WW.

Now as for today, they have been communicating from within the house. Rather than create a ruckus, when I brought her new phone downstairs at her request, there was a message from OM via Google hangouts on the lock screen.

So I took the opportunity to say to W that she had a message from OM and that did she remember me talking about the disrespect for me and the children by communicating from within the house, and did she understand what I meant by saying that it was disrespectful. She said she did and couldn't help if he messaged her.

I left it for now. I just wanted to reinforce the message about lack of respect rather than get into a battle about consequences at this stage.

It has been a reasonably calm day, been out to the park with WW & D, done a bit of GAL online training, and looking at some other GAL stuff for the new year. I used to do Krav Maga when I worked away from home and am looking to start doing it again in the New Year, once my op has fully healed.

Kept forcing myself to detach, think of her as 'mentally ill' when I was getting angry earlier (my own fault for looking at her phone), and even used Surfer's 'Windsor Davies' on myself - getting angry? 'oh dear, how sad, never mind' - and it helped.

Going to carry on with my GAL course for now, read a bit more about escaping the drama triangle, and see how tonight goes.