I think you should let him handle it. Tell him you have plans. As long as you fix it for him (keeping son 'safe'), you're also preventing him from being a real parent.
Has he ever put his son at risk? Would he not know how to pick a sitter? Do you truly feel your son would be unsafe? Would he be out in traffic or with drunk people?
Many fathers step back from parenting because they feel they are supervised and criticised by the mothers. It's a negative cycle.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I agree with painter but then also wonder if you are a "fixer" or a "saver"? Is that what you do - fix things or save the day? If this is exs day/night to be with son, it's up to him to deal with. While I am concerned with anyone being in a new R so soon (getting that based on your profile footnotes) you also owe it to this new person to be available for something like NYE. would you be cancelling plans with him? As for son being safe... Really? Would H take him out on the roads or out to the bars to ring in the new year?
Most of all, we teach people how to treat us. If you teach ex that he can come to you when it's convienant and you will do whatever he needs, well then don't be upset when he continues to do what you taught him he can do. Make sense? Teach him he needs to be an adult and handle things like this on his own. This is what D means - along with life.
So I would simply say, "sorry, I've already had plans for NYE for some time now so I won't be able to make changes, but thanks for the offer. I appreciate the opportunity, but will have to pass this time."
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Like everyone else has said. I would say to H that you have made plans and that it would be difficult for you to cancel it. My ex tried it on me too, and like you I was worried but I reasoned myself by saying that even if ex is in Lalaland I don't think he'd put his own kids at risk. He didn't like it but I felt that has showed him that I will no longer be a fixer.
Let him get a babysitter. he needs to tell you who it is and give you the phone number and vice versa.
I know you feel like you are doing the same thing by not choosing to have time with S, like he did. But you know what? You have like everyday with son! he has minimal time. So don't you feel like you are on equal footing when you chose not to be with your S on new years which is not a kids holiday.
Now tell him you made plans and you are sticking to them. He's going to have to handle it. let him find a sitter. Your S will be fine. And he probably won't be able to find one or have ot pay out of the butt on that holiday and he'll have ot make the saacrifice.
Painter, I know the type of dynamic you are describing in which one parent (usually mom) controls all the parenting and critiques spouse for different parenting style. I am many things and have many flaws, but that's not me or my situation. I wanted a team dynamic and husbands involvement. I don't really comment or find fault in the way he is with my son. when my ex is with my son I trust that he will issue good parenting and judgement. The problem is more that he chooses not to be present.
Don. My husband physically left in Summer of 2015. Prior to that he was living in my parents basement for a year avoiding all of us. Its very true that it may be a bit early to start a relationship. I have all sorts of issues I'm coming to terms with. You make good points regarding meeting the needs of a new relationship. It is something I didn't think about. And it's brand new territory to me. New guy has expressed that he wants more time with me but is also quite accepting of my situation. Something I am honestly surprised about. I never really sought out a relationship or dating. It just sort of evolved via mutual friends. And I'm not sure. I appreciate how patient he is though. And he has never put me in a situation where I felt like I had to choose. I don't know what will happen as things get more serious. I suspect that he is very serious about me.
Rouky, (thanks for stopping by. I have to catch up with your thread) I dont think I'm really a fixer or saver. I think maybe ginger nailed it. I feel like by not taking son, I am a bad mother. I do have very bad anxiety, and i will start thinking out scenarios of something happening to my son that weekend and it being all my fault. It's the same reason I never question ex when he picks son up late or drops him off early. Maybe it's easily exploited. I know my ex took advantage of his mother for babysitting. Because she loved our son so much. My ex would get mad at my parents when they did not help with babysitting as well.
Im also fearful of him getting mad and not helping me if I needed to change days in the future. Its inevitable that at some point weekends will need to change and I worry that maybe he woukd make things difficult. But then again, I recently fractured my ankle and asked for help and he didn't help. (Although his mom helped 1 day)
Summer of 2015 makes a bit more sense and not as concerning as if it was 5 or 6 months ago. It just says "WAH in summer" and I figured that meant this coast summer - nit a year prior.
Sounds like ex is good at manipulating, goating or even bullying these around him into doing what he wants - drop off early, pick up late, late mom handle it, complain when I laws don't bow to him. Every time this happens it reinforces to him that he CAN get away with it. He's good at it too. The only way that stops us when others stop allowing it. Otherwise, why would he change? Why grow up and be responsible if everyone else does it for him? Hope you'll not only consider that but consider changing the dynamic.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Don - I was vague and lied about some of the logistics on my description.
My first thought to what you wrote was to question whether I was fair in how I am representing ex to all of you guys and people IRL. Am I now villifying him? If he was to write about me, would I come across as manipulative, selfish, a bully? Am I angry and harping on everything he does ? Is my perspective off? Quite possibly.
But I think he is manipulative and he did goat and he comes across as a guy that was nagged so much by his wife and couldn't take it any more so left. That is how he painted it and I believed it. And still sometimes do. And then other times I am really mad at him, but in a super obsessed way.
He's different from a lot of the walkaways here. I never had proof of an affair. He DB'd me and words things in ways that make it seem like he is trying to avoid fights and keep me calm. When he wants a favor, he is suddenly nice and puts in little "lols" and texts more frequently asking how we are doing.
So either he is really good at it. Or maybe I'm just over reactive. But I wasn't imagining the things he said and did..and constantly go over it in my mind.
When we went to marriage counseling, my parents agreed to watch son so we could go. They liked to go out on weekends and asked that we make appts in morning so it didn't interfere with their plans. He woukd always insist on mid afternoon appts so he could sleep late. And he once said "let your parents watch him for once". And woukd get mad at me because I didn't want to ask my family often. (My parents do an enormous amount for my son)
Now there were a lot of scenarios like this, but they are not as easy to see as an affair is. And I am not sure if this was always there full blown and obvious like this. Or just before BD. So it still confuses me.
But yeah. Sometimes it's hard for me to really believe that his behavior is manipulative or vengeful or bullying. Because he acts so distant and detached and something I can't out my finger on still.
Sometimes it's hard for me to really believe that his behavior is manipulative or vengeful or bullying. Because he acts so distant and detached and something I can't out my finger on still.
