Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Woke_Up]

Update. She is continuing abuse by text, blaming me for her feeling ill/lack of sleep. Asked me to tell son why she is in a bad mood, so I asked if I should tell him the whole truth (meaning continuing EA). She said I should tell him I am a rapist, that I like to rape people when their relatives die, and continued to call me a rapist several times in text messages.

I asked her to stop with the baseless accusations and that what she was doing was abusive.

I did manage to say in the middle of it that I wanted to talk about it in a calm manner, understand the problems she has with me moving back in and resolve it before Christmas. No response to that.

I'm learning lessons the hard way about how volatile a wayward is.

I'm going to need to make time to see a L this week.

[doodler]

I'm learning lessons the hard way about how volatile a wayward is.

Yep, if they weren't so cruel, they'd be a wonderful source of befuddling entertainment.

[Woke_Up]

Update:

Now she is telling me she will fight to stay in her room. Physically if necessary. Well I assume that's what she means. She said she won't use words this time, she will defend her territory.

Threatening to try and take everything off me in court etc etc. How do I disengage from this conflict? If I go into the bedroom, it looks as though it will be a physical confrontation, which I don't want. Unfortunately all those months I spent looking after D in another rom have worked against me, and WW thinks she is entitled to her own room/bathroom. Couldn't have had this issue in the old house, wasn't big enough.

I can't mentally face going into the spare room again. My D's room is bad enough when my D is sleeping in the MBR with WW.

Now she just sent me another link on marital rape. This just feels ridiculous.

[Vanilla]

Sweetheart get yourself an L urgently.

False accusations of rape can get her arrested, send the messages to a safe location by screen shot.

I think that immediate action is needed and now. Please consult with a third party. You may need to report her accusations to the police in advance.

I really don't like this at all.

It could be that you state to her that if she persists in her false accusations you will take action. If she rings the police you may get ejected from your home, so it might be best to have a pre-emptive discussion and report her accusations. I think you really need an L.

Whatever you do record and document, have your paperwork etc ready. Even a false accusation can create court difficulties for you.

My alarm bells are ringing.

V

[Surfer]

Woke_Up,

Vanilla asked me to post. I have not fully read your sitch. It has many, many similarities to mine, but don't worry too much about reading that for now. Do what V said, send screen shots to cover your backside if you get a knock at the door from the police. My view is you will not. She will threaten you, but not carry out those threats mostly is my experience. I had threats of calling the police etc. Never happened - I don't even know what over TBH.

Some things.

1. For now, don't worry about where you sleep.

2. Do not engage with her at all. If she talks to you, listen, but STFU. If she starts to rage - exit.

3. Your job is to protect you and your kids from being expose to her rages. She will try to suck you in. This is so important. You must not engage at all - EVER. How? You can d what I did, look at her as mentally ill. Sad, lonely and lost. Do not fear her. No matter how frightening she looks. Just focus on keeping calm and looking normal - kind of in an almost 'so what or oh dear never mind way'. You must listen kindly but not be scared - this is very hard. But essential. If you need to understand anything right now google "the drama triangle" - watch a few videos on this. She will want you to persecute you - if she tries to sound upset (victim) etc, she will switch roles on you and and make your the victim. It's a game. Exit it if you fall into the trap (by leaving the room etc) or better still. Just don't engage.

4. Don't mention OM or contact at all and do not snoop.

5. Go for a 20 min run every day at the same time. This gives you both space and gives you time to sort your head. If you are not a runner, walk. Do it at the time you are usually strung out. It will also help you calm your emotions.

6. Do not drink, take drugs and if you can avoid it smoke. These will all stimulate anxiety in you.

7. Download a mindfulness app. They are free. Calm, Headspace etc there are others. Listen to these as often as you can to calm your mind.

8. Read all of the info. you are guided to on here.

You are now on a journey that is going to be hard. I am sorry. This is not your fault. Your W has some issues. Do not be hard on yourself. You did not cause this (I am not saying you are perfect - who is) you also can not stop it. Become super resilient. The guy that can take all the punches for you and kids. You need to do this until you feel steady on your feet - so Act As If. Be kind and be the lighthouse.

I will check in again. Stay strong. You will feel fear right now. Try to distance from it as much as possible. When you have done that you will feel calmer and you will see gaps in your W's fog. You will then see her intermittently and will be able to work on your R. This is going to be a bumpy ride. But you will all calm down again and you will be happy.

Surfer.

[Woke_Up]

Thanks Surfer, Thanks V

I kept my voice recorder on me last night. Unfortunately quality not great - was in my trouser pocket, so picked up scratching against keys much better than voice audio, but I should be able to clear it up on some of my audio editing software.

I was in a pretty bad mood. WW was calmer. She said I was hostile, I just said I was very upset at being called a rapist, to which her reply was that she wouldn't be punished. I said it was her punishing me for her EA, as this was the only reason I was out of the MBR. This should be on the recording.

I spoke about me moving into the study and making that my room. This works for me, as I don't have the bad memories as I do from being in the spare room when I found out about EA, and it also makes a statement that I will have my own space and not be treated like a 2nd class citizen in my own home and shoved into the spare room. It also buggers up her plans for the study, so she doesn't seem to keen, but hopefully it will get cogs turning in her mind.

Anyway, we talked calmly later, talked about her granddad's death, talked about her messages to me. I asked her to take it back, and she verbally did - hopefully this is recorded also. I asked for her to do it in text, she hasn't but did say that she wasn't going to send it to the police or anything like that - also hopefully on the recording.

She said she would be ending her EA soon (heard that before) but that didn't mean I could just barge my way into the room. Unsolicited, she told me she loved me a couple of times. She also talked bout the EAP a little bit, in a critical fashion.

So, WW is a bit of a swingometer at the minute, and the slightest thing can set her off. I will keep the voice recorder on me.

I have taken your advice and screen captured the messages - they are also synced to my laptop. I emailed them to 2 different accounts.

Still planning to see a L ASAP, together with evidence of messages. Hopefully never be needed but I understand the importance of protecting myself for the future should the worst come to the worst.

I will work on the other points, particularly listening without engaging (difficult). I think that has to be the way, as history has shown that exiting usually makes matters worse - she perceives it as running away from a resolution whereas I perceive it as giving myself space to keep calm.

Number 6 on your list is no problem, worst vice I have these days is vaping.

No 5 is difficult due to my hours at work, getting home late, getting D to bed and settled. It was after 9PM before I even had time to think last night, and then had to be dad's taxi for S. I generally do some exercise every night before bed though.

Thank you, though, just thank you. The advice is great, and it's good to know that I'm not alone, that others have been through very similar things, and have come out the other side.

[Surfer]

Wake_Up

Be careful with this:

it's good to know that I'm not alone, that others have been through very similar things, and have come out the other side.

None of us really get out of the other side unless we fully reconcile (past piecing). This, in my view, is rare in some circumstances. With yours there appears to be no violence, or PA's. You may be lucky, but don't count on it. My sitch has been going on got years and living separate. W still calls to spew, you just have to learn how to manage the R.

RE: leaving the room. If she is spewing and kids are hearing, unless she calms when you sit and listen, get out. It's the kids that need protecting too. Its a tricky balance. I sued to make sure I tried to prevent W going 'weapons hot' until after bed. Even then I used to avoid so they did not get woken up. You need to make every interaction positive. Bad interactions don't allow positive ones and it will be the positive interactions that help. That being said, listening, validating etc to help calm her and let her know you are hearing her will help. It's a fine balance (listen and validate or exit) only you will know what to do when it's trial and error. You need to see this as an experiment (try this, does it work, change and try something else, does it help....etc).

Main thing right now is find space do not disagree with her, listen when you can, she will tell you what is going wrong for her. If you disagree with her and justify your actions, she will put her wall up higher. Just listen and agree where you can or don't, just say you understand.

Sorry but when a Spouse hits this path, it's almost like they are another person, but perhaps its kind of easier to see them as mentally damaged. I don't mean pity them, run around them, but be kind - don't have confrontations, don't criticise, don't hover around them or eggshell walk. If she starts spewing/raging try picturing not giving a sh!t in your mind - but listen (I like the Windsor Davies Video - google "windsor davies, oh dear, how sad never mind". It just makes you smile a bit inside to stop being freaked out by the madness when the spew is on the boil!

That's enough for now. I am going to sit and read your sitch now.

Keep posting. The more you post the more we see how you both interact and possible most importantly, what traits your W has. It kind of helps to diagnose what is going on so advice for you can be better targeted.

Remember - keep calm, cool and no R talk/OM talk from you etc.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Actually, to correct myself. You do get out 'the other side' ( you deal with it) but everything is NOT the same. However, you don't want what it was. You want it what it could be.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Okay. Read your sitch. I am ready for the update. I imagine it will be more of the same. Some quieter some more crazy. Are you seeing a pattern in her normal, stress, crazy type behaviours?

Have you noticed what triggers the changes?

Surfer

[Vanilla]

Thank you surfer

Please let us know how you are Woke Up.

V