In the UK - PT21 feeling stuck

[Huddy]

Wow, fast moving stuff this dropping the rope.

She's just sent me a text - I'll type it verbatim:

'Just to say I'm absoloutely furious with you for snooping on the internet, whether the page was open or not, and it wasn't, doesn't give you the right to look. It's none of your business. What part of being separated do you not get. It's an invasion of privacy.'

Don't think I'll reply.

[CaliGuy]

Huddy

She is being pretty selfish at the moment ... all part of this I am afraid. She has been caught and rather than own it she is blame shifting here, its your fault you snooped .... not owning that she was internet dating. Mine did the same when confronted and also told me that since we were separated it doesnt count.

I would do as you are .. .ignore and do not reply ... put on your spew jacket because she will send an ample amount your way to try and regain the power position.

[job]

Huddy,

She left the tab open most likely to see if you would look. They do things in a passive aggressive manner. So, she's in a snit...leave her to it. She'll either get over it or it will affect her holiday. Either way, don't take her bait and don't reply to that text.

Keep focusing on you.

[bttrfly]

how kind of her to invite you to your own daughter's party, which she so very thoughtfully arranged to coincide with YOUR time. What if you'd had your own plans? Selfish, single-minded, and completely self-absorbed. Her, not you.

I do hope she's not sticking you with the bill for the new "equipment."

Deleted what I was gonna say about that in the interests of kindness and keeping it G rated. Sorry Huddy she's pushing MY buttons, all the way across the pond!

I'm so glad you met up with your bud. Good advice there. You have NOT been an utter tool. I daresay the woman you love is in there somewhere but really, how much can one take, indeed?

Here's the thing about women my friend: if they can walk all over you, they won't respect you. And if they can't respect you they don't usually want to be in a relationship with you. So. Congratulations on putting a line in the sand while keeping your dignity. She spewed because you put her in her place and while doing so let her know you aren't conveniently where she left you.

Parrot fashion? what is she? twelve? Classic MLC ... I think you've dropped the rope and been brave. (in the interest of full disclosure: my divorce is final tomorrow, lol ... hope that made you laugh) xoxoxo

Seriously, I vote for brave. She can't wear your you know what as earrings and she's not happy about it, but she will respect it, even if she won't admit it.

xoxoxoxo {{{{{hugs}}}}

[NDY]

^what they said.

[Huddy]

Hi Caliguy, Job, Bttrfly

Thanks for being gentle! Thanks for not thinking I'm a tool! Yeap - she's been caught and doesn't like it. My only worry is that she will be driving 230 miles on Friday and I hope she doesn't take it out on the kids.

I won't be replying to any texts unless it's about the kids. Unless anyone gets the wrong idea, I didn't shout or scream; I was matter of fact and courteous. I even gave her her Christmas presents form the kids as she was spewing!

[bttrfly]

well done!!!

[NDY]

You took your b@lls back out of her handbag. Good for you. You're not responsible for her. If she takes it out on the kids during her wee "road trip"
then that just proves her weakness. Remember you're the sane parent here and that's all you can be. You can't protect the kids from her madness (although we all want too).

[Huddy]

This is mainly based on a private conversation with NDY, but I think it's important to share a viewpoint that I have reached.

Firstly, you really don't start DB'ing until you have dropped the rope. You take a long time to get to that point and then you draw a line. My 'line' was taking the kids away. It is, without doubt, the most selfish thing to do to the LBS - taking the children that you brought in to the world, made with love and kindness, away.

As soon as I spelt this out, you could see her face contort in to a weird, almost mask like shape. Was it a realisation that she'd lost control? Don't know, but I feel better for letting her know that I am not at her beck and call.

I now realise, that despite my best efforts, I don't think I was truly DB'ing. I was doing things, hoping all the time that W would see a change in me and turn back. Well, I think I could have done anything, and it still would have had no effect. It's about her; her problems, her selfinshness, I'm just the butt of the problem.

I think that my W probably had some kind of liaison before BD. There were various personal things that only I could do for W (or she said I could do), which a month or so before BD, she said other men had done for her. I also found a pregnancy testing kit. W denied that she had just bought it and said it was an old one, but when I went to look again, it had gone. Again, I think W probably met somebody on a night out in February 2015 (she didn't return home until 0330, claiming she'd been to McDonald's, but something didn't feel right as she wouldn't let me touch her) and I think she has fallen in love with the idea of being chased. However, I also think she likes the idea of safe dependable Huddy being in the background to do everything for her.

So now, safe dependable Huddy has decided to 'let go' and see where it takes us. Right now, I'm just keeping low. I need to recover some battery life and don't want to jump in to anything right now. I'll certainly look at taking up further activities in the New Year, but this morning I've developed a chest infection!

So, what do I expect from W now. I'm expecting her to go to her parents and have her thought reaffirmed by her sister etc. and then at some stage to start issuing spew, or trying to goad me back on to the rope. I'll have to guard against that, although I don't know what shape that will take. I'm certainly not expecting her to suddenly 'wake up' and run home - she's too far in at the moment.

So, what I discussed with NDY was bang right - until that rope has gone, you don't properly DB.

[roist]

Mentioning the internet dating may not have been advisable but otherwiseit was not a mistake and possibly a necessity to rbreak the limbo.This will take time to register fully with her. Right now she doesn't care and is angry. Time will tell if deeper thinking results. But don't worry about that. The fact she heard it unfiltered is more real for her.

Focus on you and your kids. Take your own anger and frustration and channel it into shaping your life, making it the best possible.

Sorry this happened but I look forward to hearing about how you kick start 2017.

Best wishes