This situation is so annoying. Normally we go to my family and her family on Christmas. Since she is having the affair I told her we were not doing any get togethers as a family. I would do my family things and she would do hers. That means that I told her she can have the kids Christmas Eve and go to another one of her family's and I would take the kids Christmas Day and just do my family. Today she said she would pick the kids up on Christmas from my family's so she could take them to hers. I said no. She said I am doing this to hurt her and it's not the best for the kids. I said I am doing this because you are having an affair a divorce is what you want, this is how it's going to be so get used to it. We then talked about if we should tell the kids before or after Christmas. I said after cause I don't want to upset them during Christmas. She said we should tell them something before cause it would be weird if we are not doing things together. I don't think they would think anything cause they are kids. Not sure what to do here. She still thinks our marriage is done and acts like the affair is so normal and asks like it is not a big deal. She continues to say that she tried and I will never change. I continue to tell her she never tried, she just talked and did no action. I continue to tell her if that's what she wants, that's fine, but it's all on her.
Me:39 WW: 39 Kids: 11,8,4 Married: 15 years Together 17 years PA discovered November 2016 Separated living in same house - ended 1/2017 Separated, kids in house, taking turns staying in house
She still thinks our marriage is done and acts like the affair is so normal and asks like it is not a big deal. She continues to say that she tried and I will never change. I continue to tell her she never tried, she just talked and did no action. I continue to tell her if that's what she wants, that's fine, but it's all on her.
I would go back to "sandi's 37 rules", read rule #1, you will not be able to reason with her, don't try. You can not convince her of anything and it will make things worse. You can only validate her feelings even though you don't agree with them. Saying "it's all on her" is laying guilt on her and won't help either. At this point you can only acknowledge and validate, she is in an affair and she will only see her "truths".
There is a link to validation statements in Cadet's email to you. I printed "sandi's 37 rules" and read them everyday. I wouldn't "continue to tell her" anything.
And unfortunately telling her when she can have the kids and when she can't will make things worse as well, you do need to come to an agreement on that. Standing up for yourself by letting her know she is not invited to your Christmas and you will not be going to hers is setting a good boundary.
Following the rules is tough, but it will help you save some of your sanity and the ups and downs of emotions. Unfortunately you are probably in for a long haul and you need to work on yourself and take care of the kids. No relationship talk unless she initiates it. Set healthy boundaries for you, but she will need to find her way out of this fog herself.
With our kids for Thanksgiving we told them that I would be taking them to my parents on Thanksgiving and my W would take them to her parents the day after Thanksgiving and there were no issues. Our kids are 11,13,15 and know we have problems (don't sleep in same bed) but don't know that she has filed for divorce. Hope that helps.
H:44 W:43 M:17 S:15 S:14 S:12 W mentions divorce 8/2015 W files divorce 10/2016 D will be final 4/2017 Living together & will for a while
So last night the WW came into my room when I was sleeping and said the carbon monoxide detector was beeping in her room like the battery was going to die and it needed to be changed. She asked what she should do. I said get a chair and change the battery and rolled over and went back to bed. That felt great. If u are going to have a affair don't expect me to do anything for you. I am not there for you when you need something. Figure it out yourself. Woke up this morning and it was still beeping.
Me:39 WW: 39 Kids: 11,8,4 Married: 15 years Together 17 years PA discovered November 2016 Separated living in same house - ended 1/2017 Separated, kids in house, taking turns staying in house
I think the saddest part of all of this is seeing the self destruction that the WW does to herself. Last night I came home from work and she was drunk. Apparently her and another friend drank 3 bottles of wine during a play date at our house. So I had to make dinner for the kids and do all of their homework as she was too drunk and just sat on the couch and looked at her phone until she passed out. She made a snide comment about me being super dad lately, so I guess she notices my 180s but really does not care. I was thinking to myself well someone has to be there for the kids cause you have been a terrible mom lately and are only concerned with yourself. I am in a good place now I feel over her and ready to move on if that is what she wants. I feel like I still need to get over the fact that our family will never be the same and it will most likely be broken up. That's the one thing I am still struggling with. I still do not want the kids to have to grow up like that and I fear missing not seeing them everyday.
Me:39 WW: 39 Kids: 11,8,4 Married: 15 years Together 17 years PA discovered November 2016 Separated living in same house - ended 1/2017 Separated, kids in house, taking turns staying in house
She seems to be on a self-destructive downward spiral. You need to make you and the kids your top priority. If she chooses to ruin her life, that's on her. Don't let her pull you and the kids down with her.
Be very careful with how, when and what you and your wife tell the children. Michele has written an article about this very topic. Please email me directly and I'll send you the link at no charge.
It sounds like you are doing a great job of making yourself and your precious kids your #1 priority. Keep it up! Establishing boundaries around the holidays is good too.
There are unintended consequences of exposing the affair to OM's wife and others. It could force your WW to go further underground. It could be more difficult to reconcile after she comes out of her fog and is embarrassed by her actions. Did you say that the OM is your son's coach? Would it be possible to move your son to another team?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Last79, how old is your wife? How long have you two been together and married? (I'd put this stuff in your signature. Go to My Stuff -> Edit Profile. It helps people remember each other's situations).
How was your marriage before things appeared to go wrong? Was she unhappy with you or the marriage for a while? Did she have serious complaints about you? Also, did you wife have a career before you guys had kids?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I added a signature. She is 39 and we have been married 15 years together for 17. Seems like forever. The last kid put a strain on our marriage for about the last 2 years. We really don't have a good support system to help with the kids so we haven't made our marriage a priority and stopped going out alone because we couldn't afford a babysitter and didn't trust or have family to watch the baby. Now he is 4 and not as needy, but kinda too late damage has been done. We are very typical, she would complain about things and then stop nagging about them for awhile, and then bring it up again. She would say things like I don't support her and I made her stay at home with the kids and she wanted to get a job because she was tired of staying st home. I always said I would rather u stay st home but if you want a job go get one. She was a teacher for 6 years before we had kids. I don't think she has any serious complaints in my mind, basically I don't talk to her enoughnand she feels unsupported and it's always been about me and my career while she stays at home. Like many say, I think she is unhappy with her life and takes it out on me. I know there are things I can do to show my appreciation more, etc, but it really goes both ways . I could never do enough and even though I support the entire family she never shows appreciation either of what I do for the family. We need to have more respect and gratitude for each other .
Me:39 WW: 39 Kids: 11,8,4 Married: 15 years Together 17 years PA discovered November 2016 Separated living in same house - ended 1/2017 Separated, kids in house, taking turns staying in house
I don't think she has any serious complaints in my mind, basically I don't talk to her enoughnand she feels unsupported and it's always been about me and my career while she stays at home.
Like many say, I think she is unhappy with her life and takes it out on me. I know there are things I can do to show my appreciation more, etc, but it really goes both ways . I could never do enough and even though I support the entire family she never shows appreciation either of what I do for the family. We need to have more respect and gratitude for each other .
Last79,
Your wife is having an affair and she'll find any reason possible to make it your fault that she's having the affair. You can't expect her to change anything or show appreciation and respect. You just have to focus on yourself and your children as you move forward.
