Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Woke_Up]

I don't have this at all... yesterday I worked from home, no arguments, everything ok, just felt like a backwards step, considering WW is still wayward. I even caved and we ended up ML when she asked.

Today things praying on my mind, ended up having words as I think she is still messaging OM on her phone in the house. I don't know how to distance myself.

I'm confusing myself with what to do next.

[Woke_Up]

So, WW is still contacting EAP from within the home.

Although I only know this for certain because I chances a look at her phone. So much for not snooping.It just confirmed what I already knew in my mind. I said to her that she was still disrespecting me, the family and the family home, but she didn't respond. She just tried to be nice to me still. I realised I had slipped and tried to detach and be positive/happy appearance after that.

Anyway, back in the MBR tonight and this time I intend to hang on in there.

I've read most of DR now, well chapters 1-7 and ch 10 on infidelity. I know I am not drawing back enough, everything is so intertwined, it's still like we are in R as usual, I need to be firmer in my stances. My lack of conviction/commitment to a course of action or my worry about WW's reactions is turning me into an unwilling participant in this scenario.

[Gordie]

I don't have this at all... yesterday I worked from home, no arguments, everything ok, just felt like a backwards step, considering WW is still wayward. I even caved and we ended up ML when she asked.

Today things praying on my mind, ended up having words as I think she is still messaging OM on her phone in the house. I don't know how to distance myself.

I'm confusing myself with what to do next.

Is ML still a positive or do you feel used? I still ML to my W too despite our issues.

[Woke_Up]

Hi Gordie

I don't feel used, more that it doesn't feel quite right with the current situation. I also think it adds to her cake and eating it situation, in that our R is still rolling along, even if it's in this rut.

The other side is that I like it, it helps me feel closer, and gives me hope that we will sort things out.

[Woke_Up]

Today was difficult at times, but think I did OK.

Still sipping acid, as it was put, confirmed that WW is contacting EAP from within home. Let it go.

WW received a phone call from her dad letting her know her grandfather had died suddenly, so this affected her a bit. I was a combination of supportive and giving her space.

Kept myself fairly busy today. D had a friend staying over, so played with them, got outside to wash the car. Then W let me know that I was meant to be going with her & D to visit father christmas - I had believed it was a mother's only thing, but other H's were going as well. In the end, just I went, as W wasn't feeling too well, physically and mentally, so went & had a good time with D.

Later, saw that she had been communicating with OM fairly regularly throughout the day, and had even sent a photo of my D and her friend when they were playing yesterday. This is my usual red rag to a bull. However, I swallowed it all. Realised confrontation would not do any good. Photo was from a distance, so you couldn't really see much of the girls.

Also saw that OM was putting a bit of pressure on her, wanting to know if she was with me when they first started communicating (her answer was 'kinda'). Asking her if she would leave (initially she said no), but later in her comms she talked about selling house and leaving etc. I think this is bull as she asked me to cancel the house valuation that was planned for last week, and was given in response to OM's emotional pressure.

I just buried it all, realised that she is in the fog, realised that I am not really helping myself by snooping, even though it lets me know OM is getting frustrated and all is not rosy in the garden.

I stayed pleasant, remained calm and detached, but sociable. I talked to her a bit, asked how she was feeling about grandad etc (all the normal stuff you would do) but without smothering her. Later, as I was standing at the sink she came up and gave me a hug from behind.

Anyway, she went to bed, I came downstairs to work on GAL (I have an online course I'm working on for a new qualification, which should help me get a job closer to home). Nothing mentioned about the MBR, and I guess she knows I'm planning on staying in there - she looked a bit worried earlier, but said nothing later, and later seemed relaxed. I guess the proof in the pudding will be when I go up to bed.

So, I won't be messaging her when I'm at work, but will respond if she messages me, and when I'm home I will try and work on my conversation skills - I know these are lacking and one of the causes of friction within our R. It's a bit of a 180 for me to be more proactive in that department, and it doesn't come easy - I may need to get some self help material.

So, I may not be effectively enforcing my boundaries, but I feel I am protecting them by keep my emotions in check. Yes, I still feel disrespected, but I also know she's so much in the fog that she doesn't even consider this and that any knee jerk reactions will only push her away at this stage. On the other hand, I won't facilitate her. She wants a new phone, I won't buy it for her, she wants a new charging cable, I won't buy it for her, she wants her phone credit topping up, I won't do it. I can see some arguments arising from this, but I don't think she can accuse me of treating her like a child if I insist she takes full responsibility for communicating with her EAP.

One day at a time, as they say, but I'm feeling positive at the minute.

Thank you everyone who has given advice, shared resources, and generally helped me. You are all genuine stars.

[Vanilla]

I am pro ML if it works. Do that which works.

I stopped when the Giggalo put my health at risk. Then I am high drive and that was March 2014.

Been a long time since, so thanks for the memories,

I won't be making new ones with a wayward.

V

[Woke_Up]

Well, I was wrong. Here I am in D's room. WW is on her period, hot and bothered and decided to make an issue of my being in there. Threatened to keep me awake all night. I initially said fine, I would just take day off work and. It get paid, everyone would lose.

Then starting using her grandad's death as a weapon against me, as well as saying I was raping her by being in there (weaponised words, anyone?) and that I hadn't given her warning, that I was killing love and breeding hatred by forcing my way in there.

I said I couldn't believe she was using her bereavement as a weapon, and that it was her affair that was making her want me out of the room, not her bereavement.

Anyway, I have relented (given the fact that her granddad has just died), however, said I will move in tomorrow. She has said she will move out into the other room. I said it was her choice. She said she didn't see it that way, and she didn't think anyone else would either.

I am serious though, I will be in there tomorrow night. If I am not? Feel free to slap me with a very large, very wet fish.

The reactive part of me wants to block her damn phone off our internet connection. The thinking part says don't.

Should've seen this coming

[Vanilla]

She is really using every weapon to guilt you.

Please record her saying that she will accuse you of rape. This is very important indeed. Do not under estimate the importance of it.

Listen to V very carefully indeed, download a recorder app and do not under any circumstances let her know you have this. E-mail to yourself elsewhere and your L.

Also advise your L of this conversation immediately and you may wish to have this documented officially somewhere as well as here.

This is out of order completely. I suggest you blow it wide open in a conversation with a third party if you can.

I can not emphasise the seriousness of this.

Do not drink anywhere near her at all.

Keep posting

V

[Woke_Up]

Abuse continues this morning via text message. Blaming me for leaving 2nd car seat in from D's friend, that she can't get out. Blaming me for lack of sleep, saying I don't want to mess with her, and that I won't mess with her tonight. Ended with the C-word. Nice.

I replied with a message explaining how to remove the car seat. Nothing more.

[Woke_Up]

She is really using every weapon to guilt you.

Please record her saying that she will accuse you of rape. This is very important indeed. Do not under estimate the importance of it.
V

Well, she didn't actually say she would accuse me of rape, she was calling me a rapist for being in the bed/MBR. That I was forcing my way in there. That I was raping her by being in there when she didn't want me in there.

However, I get what you mean. I already have a voice activated recorder, looks like a USB stick, thought it may be useful. Looks like I'll have to carry that at all times, even bed time.

It saddens me when it gets like this. I need to find a trusted 3rd party to speak to. I don't really have anyone. I told 1 person at work about the EA when it first came to light and I was all over the place mentally, but that's it.

I don't even have a L at the moment. Guess I need to find one.

Thanks V