I just wrote out a long depressing post. And I erased it.
What's the point? Life it what it is. D9 and I are decorated for Christmas, I did a whole ton of Christmas shopping this weekend, I am broke. I can't wait for next weekend when D9 and I do our fudge making extravaganza next weekend. I realize she is my favorite person to spend time with. It's so pure. I can't quite explain it.
Is it a good thing these guys I am not interested want a second date? I dunno. I just pray my lovin' feelin' comes back sometime soon. I can't believe there is one person in this world who had the power to take that away and it pisses me off.
Anyways, I am off to yoga. It's a charity even for dress for success. In a addition tot he $10 donation for the class, you can bring in work clothes. I have a bunch of stuff that doesn't fit, some with tags that I am going to bring.
Then I left my debit card where I lunched yesterday which is kind of far. SO I decided I am going to dine there again and have dinner with myself and a good book after yoga.
Last edited by job; 12/11/1602:44 PM. Reason: Added the link to the previous thread
Ginger, just look at each new contact as a chance to connect with another human being. We each have intriguing stories to tell and can enjoy each others company for an hour or two and if it results in something bigger (sorry, that sounded like the plumber) and better so be it. Personally, I have very much enjoyed each coffee meet and dinner date I've had ( maybe I'm just lucky, who knows) and only one has ever resulted in a relationship. Yes, Christmas is a difficult time. I was just out walking in the park (trying to knock off 20 lbs!) and even in the sub zero weather conditions I still saw couples walking along the path laughing and chatting...and I was alone. It is what it is and won't always be that way but you still notice and feel that empty spot inside. I feel for ya!
I know you already know, but I so get what you are feeling and saying. Really too bad we live half the united states away or I'm betting we'd have a fun friendship - while serving as each other's wing person.
It really just is a matter of time. I know I've still not updated my thread but I've had some changes in attitude and a bit in life and it's amazing how both really help. It's all so much about timing and clearly that part is not up to us. Just as someone came into your life a year ago and "those feelings" were there in an instant, it will happen again - when you least expect it, just like the first time.
So from a plumber to a priest huh? See you just can't make this stuff up. OLD - the land of misfit toys. I'm still a little surprised the plumber never contacted you again. Hey at least you enjoyed some nice kisses, so it's not all bad. Amazing how that can help - yes, also related to my updates, that I really need to post.
For the first time in a while, I think both of us are on the right course. This really is progress, even if it doesn't always feel like it. Just keep at it Ginger.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Wii, I wish I enjoyed these coffee dates. I mean, they aren't bad, but weird when a priest tries to slip you the tongue! It is really tough this time of the year watching couples and for me, especially, families with little kids. It's always been a huge trigger for me. I think for the first 2 years after bomb drop, I couldn't go in a store or the mall around Chritsmas, because a mom and a dad and a baby in a stroller would trigger automatic tears in public. I never got to experience the whole family experience at Christmastime. I will admit, I watch everyone on FB with their family adventures this time of the year, and I cry.
DonH, I know you are one of the people who totally understand what I am going through as you are living it. We have gone on the longest without a new real long term relationship or remarriage. Too bad we don't live closer, I am sure we would have a blast! I truly have no idea what course I am on. I swear, my theme song is "Here I go again on my own, going down the only road I've ever known. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone"
I wish there someone I wanted to kiss and snuggle with, even if it's just to ease the pain right now. But nope.
While I made a very conscious decision to no longer give my energy to or care about a particular person who doesn't give a crap about me, my mind can't really help but go back there this time of year. It was the roughtest for us. One day he was telling his daughter that he loved me (I'll never forget it). A week later, he just stopped talking to me. I kept thinking maybe I was so happy, but really, only in when y feelings weren't being jerked around.
ANyways, I can't wait to tell my priest story at work tomorrow. It makes very good lunch talk. I was thinking about it last night. He probably hasn't had sex in 10 years. OMG! I'm sure he anxious to do so.
Is it possible to be happy and sad? I think that's what I am. Both happy and sad. A sadness has been lingering and is a part of me, but I am not unhappy. My job has been taking a toll on me too. I am miserably bored, my days are sooooooo slow. I miss human interaction, patient interaction, we got in trouble for talking at work, so now we basically put our heads down and work a very repetitive job. Not what I became a nurse for. But my family comes first. Nothing I can do about it.
Yup, I am happy but sad.
And DOn, will you please update? I am sitting here on the edge of my seat!
Is it a good thing these guys I am not interested want a second date? I dunno. I just pray my lovin' feelin' comes back sometime soon. I can't believe there is one person in this world who had the power to take that away and it pisses me off.
Ginger...I think you know that someone can not take away that feeling from you...I believe that you know that the feeling is a choice, and no one can take away your choices...at some point you will decide to take the leap again...at some point you will decide to believe you can love another...
Perhaps looking inward to see if you have made the choice to love yourself in the manner that you are seeking it from without will be the first step to "feeling" it again.
I know you know what I am saying here...and I know that you know that I understand what you are saying here...and I challenge you to look deeper...seek within...and know...you hold all of the power, that you indicate another had over you...you alone will always hold it.
Enjoy this time with you D9...perhaps the universe wants you to stay focused on her for now and that is why you have not found...that lovin' feelin' for another.
(((((Ginger)))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
So Ginger, you've given the priest the last rites and he ain't gettin' Nun! OK, I'm done...that's all I got for now (but I'm sure it's more than enough lol).
Can't help but think that the ending of your last relationship was a blessing in disguise....none of us want to deal with another BD 10 to 15 years down the line. And a guy that loves you 1 week, but stops talking to you the next was showing his true colors relatively early. This was a nice sign from the universe before you reinvested. I feel bad for the woman he ended up with.
Enjoy the wealth of experiences and stories you collect. You are an exciting and enriched woman for them!
I am experimenting with the though that life does not have to be a white picket fence with a partner? We know most people in those situations end up miserable. There is fun to freedom too.
SH- I do know that no one else had the power to take anything away from me. I just felt like blaming something, lol. I am afraid I will not get my loving feeling back, but most likely because I haven't found the right one yet. No one had any power over me. I've done so much deep digging into myself, I can't stand anymore. My majority of my frustration comes from so much inner work, finally loving myself, and it still ain't happening. I feel like the universe just keeps giving me the finger.
JuJu- it's funny, I think that my ex leaving me was probably a blessing in disguise. Which sounds so weird. My last relationship ending was probably a blessing in disguise too, because I was ready to pick up my life to move in if he wanted me too. Which he didn't, and that was probably a blessing in disguise. I am at the point where I need someone fully committed and not so wishy washy and MLCy. I sure am collecting a wealth of experiences and stories. Some stories make really good party stories too....
I will tell you, there is a real fun to freedom. I answer to no one except a 9 year old girl. There are no expectations of anyone in my life, and there is a real sense of freedom to that. No one can let me down.
Wii, that was a good one!!!
Ex and I took D9 to see santa tonight. He took the day off because of a delayed school opening because she was at his house. So I went to the gym and he picked her up from aftercare and brought her to my house to get ready. I had to feed D9 and myself so I told him I made sausage and peppers last night for tonight and he was free to have some. Of course he asked "what color are the peppers?" He said it was delicious.
Before he came, I realized never in my life did I experience him picking up our child, brining her home, and having dinner together like those families with white picket fences do. Of course it was absolutely nothing like that. We took her, it was dog night and I saw him take a picture of a bulldog and I called him a dog creeper too (because I took a pic of a pug) He said he took the picture because OWW likes bulldogs. He doesn't not share anything about them as a couple together and while I just smile and I have nothing for him, but its feels like he flaunts his betrayal in my face. Probably not intentionally, but it's just not a big deal at all to him. For me, I will never ever forget what their marriage signifies.
As you can tell, I am sort of kind of down and emotional right now.
Juju- I don't like the holidays. Hence my title. This wasn't always me, but for the past 9 years of my life it has been, even though they are supposed to be the best when you have kids.
SH- I do know that no one else had the power to take anything away from me. I just felt like blaming something, lol. I am afraid I will not get my loving feeling back, but most likely because I haven't found the right one yet. No one had any power over me. I've done so much deep digging into myself, I can't stand anymore. My majority of my frustration comes from so much inner work, finally loving myself, and it still ain't happening. I feel like the universe just keeps giving me the finger.
Well darn it Ginger...The universe wants to give it to ya...maybe if you put down the finger on your hand... LOL
Maybe it's not so much about digging anymore, perhaps it's about just relaxing and truly enjoying what you have become and have now? Maybe then the universe can give it to you when you cut that final string... I believe that you will reach a point that you will attract that which you are and want...
I do hope you can see what you have and how much you have to offer... White picket fences...is not all that...and it is a way to compare yourself to others...please my friend let that go... Trust me, the more I dig, one really should question the "perfect" family that is marketed to us as well as the "American dream" etc... No use in making oneself crazy comparing to that stuff...more fluff than stuff if you ask me.
You are already all that and a bag of chips... You just gotta believe that. Then you will attract that which you have worked for.
“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.” Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.” Marcel Pagnol
True Happiness come from within yourself, not from someone else. don't make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy.
PS, I have always been a bah-humbug kinda guy...and this year I have learned why... STBXW was so involved with the commercialism of the season I lost the joy I had with the holidays...I was raised to enjoy it through service to others. I am going to go back to that which provided joy and happiness...in giving...not a person and white picket stuff...
Just an idea to get out of the funk of the season and stir up a little inner peace and joy.
You are a wonderful person and you can be happy as you choose so
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
The last few months of my life has been enjoying what I have become. I had actually told my therapist I am going to just stop and appreciate all the work I have done. I am happy with myself. perhaps not happy with what's externally going on around me (job, singledom, ect.), but I am happy with myself.
To speak to happiness, My thoughts have changed often on that subject, heavily discussed with my therapist. DB teaches happiness comes from within. Which I believe is true to a point. I believe we are responsible for seeking our own happiness. No other person can provide what makes us happy. However, when there is something that is a part of who you are that makes you happy and you are missing it, then it's something you need. A part of my soul and my inner core is human connection. Connecting with a partner on a deep and loving level. It's a part of my soul and who I am. So when that's missing, it makes me sad, but doesn't necessarily take away my happiness. If that makes sense. This is what my therapist deducted and I think she was spot on.
I know the white picket fence thing is not so real. I am watching people that are close to me have their white picket fence crumble. it makes me so sad. But take my ex and his W. I don't really know what goes on there. I know my ex still nasty. I know he is obsessed with playing this phone game and doesn't pay much attention to the people around him. I do however, think whatever him and OWW's relationship is, it works for them. The nastiness never worked for me. She, I think is fine with it.
I love the idea to service for others for the holiday season. I take a part in doing whatever I can to help out those less fortunate any opportunity that comes up. And if we didn't split the holiday, I would probably spend my day in a homeless shelter or at a children's hospital spreading some cheer. I used to like to work the Christmas eve shift into Christmas morning at the hospital. These poor people were critically ill and caring for them was paying it forward in such a time.
I love that you are making this holiday about giving to those who have less. That is often lost this time of the year.
LOL