MLC H at age 32, maybe single mum with a toddler S

[Vanilla]

Detaching is hard to understand although I found once I had the knack it really helped.

Detachment is a body state not a feeling or a behaviour.

What do I mean by that?

The body can have only one state at a time, so we substitute the detached state for the lost, whirling confused chasing state.

You have heard of a state of mind and body. It helped me to call this my observer mode, a state of mind where I watched with interest. I detached from the outcome of anyour action of the Giggalo, good or bad.

So you detach from WH picking up kid, fine if he does, fine if he doesn't. You detach from WH coming home, fine if he does and ok if he doesn't. Live in the present and observe.

Some use mindfulness.

I always say it is like your WH being a speedboat going full peltime left, right, to sea, to shore, to rocks and round in circles. You as the water skier are no longer attached to this out of control boat being pulled in all sorts of directions. You stand watching it curiously, your emotions no longer dragged by the out of control boat of WH.

Detaching is not unataching, or moving on. It becomes attaching to you, putting you (and any dependants) first and foremost. Doing the best for you irrespentire of the outcome on R and WH.

Your sitch has attracted the wisdom of Zues and others ahead of you on the journey. Some have not repaired their R or made a new M, although they build the best R with themselves and their children.

These are my thoughts.

V

[Maybe]

Detaching, detaching, detaching, but missing him, missing him, missing him. Last night he was sulking to me about how he aren't sleeping well and fell asleep behind the wheels. When I asked what I can do for you, he said nothing, I did it to myself. The old me is telling me, fix this! The new me is arguing, he will ask for help when he wants it. We played with our son, I feel like the old him is coming back. His humour, his laugh, and how comfortable we are together all reminded me of how things used to be. The new me says, don't try to pull him towards you. He needs to want bad enough to makes it work. The new me also says, enough with this, you need to go have fun with your S, and have a great Xmas because S is only 18 months once! So we will go Christmas shopping and spend some money even tho things are a bit tight at the moment...

[Maybe]

Hi Vanilla, love your example with the boat. I shall watch him with interest. But I think it comes with practice.

Last night after cancelling his visit the night before, H picked up S from kinder for me. I was so tired from work, I got armbushed by his comments about how S is living in flirt coz I don't clean enough. I was very upset and shut down. I yelled a little I think, or so he said I did because I was acting on autopilot. He left and said he's coming back later to play with S. I had no energy to protest.

I tried to stop him from coming at around 7 coz bedtime is 8. He texted multiple times about being there soon, and said he got me a Xmas tree. Read here not for S, for me. I didn't act out of appreciation because of our previous argument. He then said he's just trying to do something nice, he wished I could be happy about it. So I shutted up and let him and S having a jolly time setting it up. When he left again, he said you looked so tired your poor thing, and Kissed S and said look after your mum for me.

I know he's gone out to drink after. I know he is confused but now he's confusing me. Anyway am being warm to his attempt but not jumping into his arms because he managed to say some kind words once in awhile.

Feel like watching a very additive soap opera staring H. Never know what's gonna happen in the next episode. Stay tune!

[Vanilla]

Observe

When you do, it is not just the boat you observe.

There is you observing the boat, known as first position.

Then there is you in the boat watching yourself on the shore, known as second position.

Then there is the seagull watching you and the boat, known as third position.

If you practice then you can just observe with detachment.

V

[Maybe]

Thanks V. I appreciate your advise. It's very easy to understand, but hard to follow. I stopped being upset last night about H's comment about how the house is filthy. But today, I found myself being very fed up by my son throwing food and tipping milk all over the carpet. I said to myself I am doing great, I am the mum, the maid, the dad, and the provider (H pays the mortgage but bills have became my responsibility). I can't be perfect, so there will be crumbs on the table, stains on the floor, toys everywhere. Yet, it really did get to me today as son was crying every half an hour (teething) and I could not get anything done. I think he's trying to get my attention as well because after the first few crys, I stopped responding coz I got too upset. Story of being a single mum. And there is really nothing I can do but grow stronger and wiser...

[Vanilla]

Maybe

It isn't advice my lovely one but an observation and a description of that which has worked for me.

Something to use as a tool perhaps a recommendation.

V

[Vanilla]

I see your gorgeous little one as doing the things that they do.

Please enjoy the mess, revel in it as ordinary life. Giggle.

Teething means your baby has teeth and will not be a toothless wonder!

Wear headphones listen to loud music and dance.

V

[Maybe]

Thanks again V. I have ups and downs. Good that I can share my down days here. Yes i complain about my son, but he keeps me busy and happy.

So tonight's episode. I asked if H can take care of S for the night so I can have some time to myself. Mind you this is just from 5 to 8. I am grateful that he said yes. It was too last minute to meet up with friends so I dined alone and did some shopping. Melbourne was so beautiful bathing in sunset with the whole city dress in Christmas decorations. I met a few nice people in good spirits, a beautiful cat and a puppy. The feeling of happiness starts to come back. I still like the things I like even H is not there to share. I finally agree that happiness is a choice, sometimes it's hard to make that choice under the circumstances, but I am determined.

Meanwhile, H found something else he was not happy about in the house so he texted me a few times. I didn't reply. He also yelled a little about how he wanted to leave on his terms coz he didn't want to upset S. I found myself getting frustrated and told him do not swear and talk to me like that you should leave. He didn't. I think he doesn't like me being out. Asked me again if I had a date. I don't want to lie and said no.

So today is my good day. I need to recharge myself with positive energy more often. Stay tune for the next episode!

[Maybe]

I start to think that LBS goes through similar things like MLCers. We are depressed, in denial, going through emotional ups and downs, going through withdrawal from our S like a drug. I feel like an addict when I miss him. I know it's bad for me, I need to stop myself from wanting closeness. MLCers are GALing as well, just by making all the wrong choices. The best way to detach is NC, just like when you are quiting smoking, you don't want to be around smokers. It really [censored] that I see him all the time. And it's hard to lower expectations when you do expect him to look after S from time to time.

Anyway, just want to share this. H's birthday tomorrow. No gift except for a packet of dried fruits as a joke (what he got me from his MLC holiday). Really want to give him a hug coz he's nice enough lately. Don't know if it's a good idea. But apparently detaching still allows us to give and receive love. Just don't expect anything. I should prepare myself from negative reactions...

Bye for now

[Maybe]

Still not detaching well, instead, I found myself losing respect and love bits by bits for him. It's too tiring. I have enough going on being a single mum. Don't need his negativity. Don't need him to come over for S and starts telling me the house smells strange and my lipstick is too red. Rather not seeing him.

Didn't voice my anger. But it's there to be seen. I will do nothing this time coz don't have energy to do anything more. Don't know what path I am on but think it's part of the process. I think I am preparing myself to move on, really.