Slowly losing my wife

[Lex23]

I am going to confront the wife. I am setting a deadline for myself. I already promised her December so I will keep my promise. January is my deadline. It will be more than 10 months at this point. I admit that more waiting will not change anything and will just let us go further into estrangement. I think I need this deadline because otherwise I will let time slip by and do nothing. I'm doing this in January even if I'm not "ready" because I will use readiness as an excuse to not do it. I will keep working hard on myself during this month as I have already been doing.

Asking for help now to do this with a much love as I possibly can.

[doodler]

Asking for help now to do this with a much love as I possibly can.

Lex23,

The doodler approach is to buy a bunch of boxes and packing tape and drop them in front of the WW. Then you say, "Pretty please with sugar on top; you've got three days to pack your sh*t and get out of my house."

Disclaimer: I'm terrible at the DB stuff. But, I was a doormat for a long time; never again!

[Lex23]

Asking for help now to do this with a much love as I possibly can.

Lex23,

The doodler approach is to buy a bunch of boxes and packing tape and drop them in front of the WW. Then you say, "Pretty please with sugar on top; you've got three days to pack your sh*t and get out of my house."

Disclaimer: I'm terrible at the DB stuff. But, I was a doormat for a long time; never again!

I think this is too extreme for a first step.

[ForGump]

She doesn't feel loved so I have failed her.

Is it really all your fault?

It seems you don't hold her to any standard as a mature, loving partner, except to have sex with you. Maybe that's too harsh but you seem quite happy to act like a parent in the relationship -- she doesn't have to do anything that most normal, mature adults have to do. If she sees you as a parent figure, someone who takes care of her rather than someone who is a partner, that is sure to kill her sex drive for you.

I think you do have to deal w/ her infatuation with the celebrity, but you have to think about whether that's a symptom or a cause. I would guess that even if you confronted her and she was sorry, the problems in your marriage will remain. She's looking for something that your marriage is not giving her.

[Lex23]

She doesn't feel loved so I have failed her.

what I meant by this is that I aknowledge that my ways of loving her have been ineffective. I am working on discovering how to love her in a way that she can receive. That doesn't really change the task at hand. The OM might be a symptom but I am starting to be pretty sure that he occupies her heart and I don't. So if I am going to triage the problem then I think terminating OM is more important than the impossible task of giving her what she needs right now. I have been working on myself for 8 months now and will continue to do so.

[MoveFrwd]

I think I need this deadline because otherwise I will let time slip by and do nothing.

So what exactly are you thinking of doing?

I'll tell you how the conversation will go:
Lex - I know about all of the messaging with celebrity. You have to stop this.
W - I hate you. There is no marriage. I'm going to do what I want.

Now what?

[Lex23]

I think I need this deadline because otherwise I will let time slip by and do nothing.

So what exactly are you thinking of doing?

I'll tell you how the conversation will go:
Lex - I know about all of the messaging with celebrity. You have to stop this.
W - I hate you. There is no marriage. I'm going to do what I want.

Now what?

read my post above. that is what I am preparing myself for. the 2 main problems are

-she will use my accidentally getting her pregnant to dismiss any complaint

-I'm not sure what to threaten

If I had to do it today then I think if she refused to stop I could have her leave our bedroom. I thought this might be to harsh but then again maybe not. Another thing I am considering is that I could have her take over cleaning and cooking and washing the kids. Letting her know that if she wanted to be my roommate then she has to act like one. I will let her know that I can't accept 2nd best anymore and that I want to work on a real relationship together.

That is where I am now. Am I missing something?

[Lex23]

W has not received a reply from celeb for a few weeks now. I told myself perhaps it was cooling out and she might work on us soon. She doubled down in stead. she sent him some pretty suggestive writing and an erotic piece of art. All my doubts are erased now. He is practically a fictional character but he obviously occupies the place in her heart where I should be. Lots of things that she said over the last months make more sense now. Healing wise I may have hurt her yesterday. we have not healed at all because she is not trying to heal. I'm sticking to my plan. I don't want to ruin the holidays for my kids and I already promised her no sex no talk for December but January is my deadline. I can't let myself out of this or I will be stuck in the friend zone forever. I realize that my sadness means nothing to her right now as long as I am quiet.

I really need help with how to deal with the issue of her abortion because I'm 99% sure she will use it like a weapon when I bring everything into the open.

I think having her leave our bedroom and doing more housework is completely appropriate now because we are basically roommates while this is going on. I would still be open to any suggestions about this matter as well though.

Thank you all for your words. I don't have anyone to talk to about this and this board has been a lifeline for me. Just typing this out has lowered my stress level.

[Lex23]

"Healing wise I may as well have hurt her yesterday"

fixed typo. what I mean here is we have made zero progress because she is not trying to heal. I've been waiting for something that is never going to happen. it's time for action.

[Gordie]

How do you deal with a fantasy affair where as you said the W has given her heart away to the idea of it? I'm dealing with this too.