job - I did indeed stop just now and smell the rose on my desk. It was lovely. I think that these commercial long-stem roses have less scent than the "garden variety" ones.
I had some back-and-forth messages with the lady who runs the bake shop. I had joked about having my bubble-bath today and sent her a picture of the tub full of bubbles with the fresh jam tart I got from her waiting beside. PS - flaky pastries and bubble baths are not an ideal combination but as the lady mentioned to me if the jam spills it's an easy clean-up.
I was just thinking as I wrote this that one thing that this journey has done for me is to better connect me with the world around me. I may not be a GAL poster child but my life is pretty darned good. Now to finish the absolutely necessary ironing, get my lunch made for tomorrow and see what dishes I can clear off. For some reason I have a feeling that W will stop by tomorrow while I'm out to pick up her coats (a lovely fluffy snow started falling just as the parade ended) and I want the house to look good - if not for her - definitely for me.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Just so Im clear, you went out of your way to send an email to W to say you are changing the accounting structure, And now that you had coffee with her once, youre going to not do that?
Just so Im clear, you went out of your way to send an email to W to say you are changing the accounting structure, And now that you had coffee with her once, youre going to not do that?
Nope - Still changing the accounting structure. Two changes in my own plans though that she had no knowledge of. I'm going to allow her to see the new books (if she wants to) and I'm not starting the divorce proceedings in January.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Stealing this from another thread - I hope nobody minds but it explains something that was confusing the heck out of me on why W seems to have been watching me so very closely all this time. I'm pasting it here so that I can find it again.
Originally Posted By: job
MLCers do not like to lose the string that binds them to you. They like to know that you are right where they left you pre crisis. In your wife's case, she's not happy w/the changes that are happening in her life and yes, she's having to face some of those consequences now, especially w/the holidays right around the corner.
As for her questioning a friend about you, it could be that she's curious because you aren't begging, pleading, etc., but going on w/your life the best way that you can. It also could be that she's trying to find out if you are seeing someone even though you're not. She feels guilty and ashamed of what she's done and continues to do and if you were dating, this would alleviate some of her guilt.
I would remain hopeful, but keep those expectations very, very low. The holiday season tends to bring some of them closer to their families and once the holiday is over...back out there once again.
It's going to take some time for her to wake up, so leave her in the MLC oven for a while longer. You'll know when she's baked because she'll do everything humanly possible to prove to you that she wants to reconcile. She's got a lot of heavy, hard work to do before that happens.
Continue moving forward and keep the focus on you.
I think this will do for a nice log for the fire that will hopefully burn for a while. Time for a break from worrying about W for now I think. Let's see how I do.
Thanks A.P.! two good reads. My guess is you are too worried about W in the sense you don't want her to crash and burn, to see her suffer needlessly. But in all of the advice/readings, it seems you have to let her do just that. And if you rush in to help, it's exactly the job baking analogy-- your W won't be baked.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Altair - Thanks for the visit. Yes - the last thing either of us needs is a "half-baked" spouse
A lot of what I've been re-reading is making more and more sense. This is, I believe "needed" suffering. If "I" save her then she won't have built the tool-set she needs to cope with her future life - which may indeed not lead back to me. Even more now I believe that I am indeed her "one best choice" although I freely admit between the two of us that up until last Wednesday that my preferred outcome was for her to marry OM and have things end that way. Don't tell anyone though - I've got lots of 2X4s stacked up behind the shed already
One big concern that I have though is the well known "researcher's bias" - Am I only taking in those messages which I agree with? I can see many people nodding their heads quite vigorously.
So - as job would write (how I wish that I could have an evening with her to just chat and get my thoughts properly sorted out - perhaps MWD has a billing rate for her?), dig deep for patience, make sure the the log pile is well stacked with some cords of wood and live my life as best as I can.
A radio program that I used to quite enjoy - The Dead Dog Comedy Hour - had a closing tag line that I think I had in my signature for a while that is perhaps apt - Stay Calm. Be Brave. Wait For The Signs.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I know for a fact, I would have NEVER changed if I was not confronted with this MLC tornado that ripped through my life. I started changing ... sure at first it was things she complained about (in order to save the M), then it simply became more about changes I felt I needed ... over time everything became less and less about her, and more and more about me.
The one thing I learned not only in my case, my MLCrs, but in others is no true change happens until that person has suffered enough, enough to the point they no longer want to hurt in the way they are hurting and rather than focus externally (which was simply a quick fix/distraction) they begin to focus internally and make the necessary changes required.
This little blip from a Rabi on you tube I stumbled across put it nicely, and I thought you may want to add it to your collection of musings
What I wrote was in her context - like the lobster in your link, she has had to go to a safe place and grow.
Has my own suffering been "needed"? The jury is still out on that. I certainly have changed in some ways as I've blundered around the woods bumping into random trees. I've learned and perhaps unlearned as well. Would I have been "fine" if W had never gone into a MLC and torn us apart? I think so, but I would have been a different man than the one that is taking shape under my own rock. I am indeed still a work in progress and probably will always be because none of us are a finished work. I do look at the man in the mirror and quite like him though and to me, that's the most important thing. I like to believe that W will like him as well when she gets a chance to meet him.
Just as an aside - and a minor LOL to me - when we met for coffee W had also purchased a cookie. Oatmeal and raisin - "your favourite" she said when she offered to share. I declined and never bothered to mention that she was wrong and that I had always adored the peanut butter cookies she used to make. Never really been a fan of oatmeal cookies.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Spinning a bit today. Forgive me and ignore as appropriate please. No real content of consequence - just rambling.
Yesterday I was picking up a gift for S22 and browsed a bit through the card section. A card with this quote on it jumped out at me but I left it on the shelf.
Originally Posted By: AA Milne
Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
Both W and I are big fans - me perhaps more than her though. I'm thinking I may get it as a Christmas card for her but not send it. Just to have it in case we meet again before Christmas and write in it "I believe in you". Perhaps too much pursuit? I've always believed in her and her strength even when she has doubted it herself and have been her biggest cheerleader in any of the challenges she's undertaken whether it was cross-country endurance races or arranging her budget to move away from me.
I'm getting worried about S22 - he's been blowing me off for the last couple of weeks, not responding to my messages and when I called him yesterday afternoon he said "not a good time" - he did sound out of breath though so perhaps I interrupted something. W did mention that she hadn't told him about OM, perhaps wondering if I had (?) - which I haven't. He does however have a lot of friends from high-school who are still in the area and rumours could have reached him. I'm figuring if he asks directly that I will say that it's his Mother's story to tell, not mine and that I still love her very much regardless of what may have gone on. I'd asked him a while ago to dinner this coming Friday. I'm going to give him a couple of more days to respond without pushing him. He does generally live like a hermit (always has) observing the world from his cave, rarely emerging. According to the Life360 app he's not left his apartment for a while either. He does have 2 room-mates that he is good friends with so he's got a close support structure. I checked with D24 and she's not heard from him recently either but again that's not unusual. I didn't press when W and I were talking last week but it seemed that she's not been hearing from him either. She said that she texts him now each morning and evening and then nags if he doesn't respond. Given how closely she watches me as well, she could perhaps use a few lessons about detaching and pursuit / distancing. S22 will absolutely duck back into his cave whenever he's pursued - it's a trait that both he and W have always had. I'm reluctant to bother W about this to see if perhaps she's heard from him - I can deal with this on my own at this point.
A running joke here at work is that I will often ignore the first frantic message from some people and then when 20 minutes later they solve their own problems I will jokingly write back that my "if I ignore problems that they tend to sort themselves out" system continues to work quite well. Somewhat of a life lesson here. There's an apple on the tree just by our driveway too that has refused to fall. I take a SnapChat picture of it every few days or if it is looking particularly photogenic and caption it "still hanging on". I may have to stop that now that W knows that I know that she's watching those (too much meta there ...)
Since Wednesday W has gone even more quiet on social media. She "liked and shared" a post that I had already liked posted by one of my cousins about believing in yourself a day or so ago and that was pretty much the last activity she's done. She seems to only be interacting with my relatives these days and occasionally our neighbours. I've not seen much activity with most of her old enabling friends for many months and the few that hung on for a while don't seem to be around either now. Could just be a coincidence. Other than a big bump up when W was at the height of the "everything is wonderful" loop she historically rarely interacted with her own relatives on Facebook and then it was only with her sister and niece both of whom are very proud of their own infidelities and I expect were some of the fire-starters of W's own.
She's also not shown up to get any of her stuff still. I put some Christmas decorations that she likes that were from her grandmother in the front porch. We would never put them up becase the cats found them too interesting. Her dog has short stumpy legs so as long as they are more than 2 feet off the ground they should be safe Even though she knows my schedule she may be waiting until her day off on Thursday to come by. Or she may not come by at all. There's no way to tell. My mind-reading turban came apart in the wash quite some time ago. Not my monkeys. I feel more the geographer than the explorer in that land these days (Hi CT1118 if you are still here!).
I also heard today that I didn't the job that I had interviewed for in summer - right on move-out day in fact. It would have meant a much improved quality of life, slightly more money but fewer professional challenges. Feeling a bit down about that. It's a big place though and opportunities come up regularly so I'll just keep my eyes open. In the mean-time I'm doing "much" better at work, starting to produce quality results in a more timely fashion. The company, while struggling should be OK. We just had a purge of a number of our people in a couple of the different business units. I believe myself to be safe - but you never know.
I checked the number of posts on this thread and am just about to pop over to the "please start a new thread" limit. I think this is a good way to end off this thread. Sad, tired, worried but moving forward into the unknown.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
