I’m moving from my house today into a rented one br apartment. I spent yesterday packing and throwing out stuff around the house. It was a sad and surreal experience, throwing out toys my kids left behind, old letters and some pictures. Felt like I was really clearing out the remnants of my old life. Movers are coming at 1, and I’m spending a ton of money right now just to move - security deposit, rent, movers fees, various building move out fees. I’m still out of work right now, so this is pretty stressful for me.
The job search continues, I’ve had a lot of interviews over the past month, one crappy job offer that I wound up not taking, and a lot of rejections and blow offs. I had a final interview last week, which I thought went pretty well but I wound up not getting the job. That put me in a really bad mood yesterday. Being unemployed just escalates all the stress, and financial and emotional problems right now by 100%. I’ve been thinking about the interviews I’ve had - it’s frustrating because I walk out thinking I did well - meaning, I answered all of their technical questions correctly, for the most part, and ‘kept it together’. But I’m thinking that a number of things are not working in my favor - your body language and demeanor say a lot, I’m basically trying to ‘keep it together’, hold in all of the sad and depressed emotions I’m having. I’m not exactly projecting an eager and positive demeanor. I probably come off as - someone inexplicably sad or nervous, I can’t help it. But it’s not exactly someone you’d immediately hire, however brilliant they are. I have some in person/final interviews coming up. Two on Friday, one early next week. I’m grateful that I still seem to be getting a lot of interviews, despite the time of the year. I also think I’m interviewing better lately.
I sent my wife a couple of text messages in the past week:
I know you probably despise me and that we will be divorced soon. I just wanted to apologize again if I was mean or insensitive. Please understand I never meant to hurt anyone. And if I was ever grumpy or antisocial it was because of all of the stress I had trying to maintain a job to support our family's lifestyle. I'm sorry again. I hope one day we can be at a better place in our relationship. I will always be here to help with the kids and my first priority is trying to be an honest and better and sober person for them.
And a few days later…
Please don’t do this. I love you and the kids so much, this is just breaking my heart i’m just a wreck. I don’t want to lose my family
Even at this late stage I’m trying to get her back, although I really have no hope for a response. I either feel like I need to keep trying until this is all over.
But I also took a lot of what Zues wrote to heart. I can either face my life right now and stop this free fall that I’m in, or I can continue down this dark path. I can’t let this despair consume me, because I have kids I have to keep living for. Even if I don’t know what the future holds or feel like I don’t have any strength left.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Your words show that you have a sound awareness and understanding of your current situation... Please take action on what you know and understand...
Seek out and study the Stockdale paradox... Knowledge is not enough...decisions to maintain a sound mind, and realistic mindset is paramount...action is key.
"It is always darkest before the dawn"
My prayers are with you.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Hey QT - Im sorry life is throwing you a bunch of lemons all at once. I can only imagine the stresses of job searching and moving on top of all of the relationship stuff.
With that said, I wanted to give some comments on your text. My thoughts are in blue.
I know you probably despise me and that we will be divorced soon. why are you saying you 'know' that she despises you? I dont see any benefit in reinforcing this in her mind. I just wanted to apologize again if I was mean or insensitive. Do you see the problem with this? You're apologizing, but you dont even know what for. Youre saying 'if I was mean or insensitive' which implies that you dont believe that you were. So how can you actually be sorry? Please understand I never meant to hurt anyone. And if I was ever grumpy or antisocial it was because of all of the stress I had trying to maintain a job to support our family's lifestyle. So if you were grumpy, then it wasnt your fault. This implies that it was HER fault. Also, those stressors arent going to go away if you were to get back together, right? So, what have you learned? how have you changed? I'm sorry again. I hope one day we can be at a better place in our relationship. I will always be here to help with the kids and my first priority is trying to be an honest and better and sober person for them.
Just my thoughts. Take them for what theyre worth.
Thanks guys. Darknes- I know, those texts were not a good idea.
I've definitely gone through many dark days lately when I was just despairing and not in my right mind. It is anyways pretty late in the game and I don't think any of those things makes a difference at this point anyways. I'm mainly still trying for the kids.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Thanks guys. Darknes- I know, those texts were not a good idea.
I know they werent a good idea. You know they werent a good idea. You didnt need me to tell you that they werent a good idea (and if you read my post, I didnt even mention my opinion of sending the texts).
The point that I wanted to discuss was the content. Im sure that somewhere in your brain, there must have been a thought that it was a good idea to send them, and my guess is that at some point in the future, you are going to decide to give it "one more chance" because "who even cares at this point" or something. When you do, my hope is that you can read some of the things I pointed out and consider them. To me, your first text shows that you still arent really listening to her. Thats like throwing a hail mary, but only getting it to the 30 yard line...it doesnt even matter if you catch it at that point, you arent going to get a touchdown anyway!
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
I've definitely gone through many dark days lately when I was just despairing and not in my right mind.
Im very worried about you, QT. Youve said this same line several times since youve been on this board as an excuse for your behaviors. Please really look into your health. Theres no shame in asking for or receiving help.
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
It is anyways pretty late in the game and I don't think any of those things makes a difference at this point anyways. I'm mainly still trying for the kids.
What does 'trying' even mean to you? If you mean trying to reconcile your marriage, then you sure arent doing yourselves any favors. In my mind, one of the core DB principles is setting goals and moving towards them. How does sending texts that get you farther from your goals constitute "trying"?
This might seem a bit cheesy, but I actually talked to my best friend, and I would type up the text or email I wanted to send, and send it to him first. ALWAYS. And I had to wait until he responded before I could send it to XW. And about 99 out of 100 never got sent to her, and pretty soon, I started to learn when it needed to be said, and when it was just my thoughts churning.
Also, I would say if I could sum up this battle: taking captive of every single thought. And I know that sounds massively overwhelming in a swirling head, but I would practice picking out a thought like "I wonder if XW is with OM?" and making myself stop and focus on that ONE thought. And say, "Ok, so what if she is? What can I do? How does thinking about it and worrying about it move me forward?"
Of course, I already knew the answer, but that practice of forcing myself to stop the swirling and focus on something allowed me to then discard it. And then I would capture the next thought, and do the same. And eventually, the ping-pong tournament in my head slowed down.
I received a job offer yesterday. I have not formally accepted yet because I think there is a good chance for competing offers next week. Whichever job I wind up taking should pay more, maybe significantly more, than my previous salary. I'm so grateful about this, it is a huge weight off my shoulders.
I have also moved into my new apartment. It is not the greatest neighborhood, definitely worse than my previous neighborhood - but it's ... cozy. My place itself is comfortable - I'm going to have fun setting the place up just the way I want to. I actually like being here, I can see that it could be a place where I buckle down, take care of myself and get healthy here, work hard and get my job and business in order.
Out of my 3 big problems - losing my job, stress and anxiety about moving into a new apartment and selling our old house, and the stress of the divorce - 2 are now pretty much out of the way. I just have to face the divorce. So my problems are not over, but for the first time in many weeks, many months, I feel a little bit better. I feel like things are beginning to stabilize and a path is beginning to appear to me.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
